What men taught me!
If every bad experience is meant as a lesson I’ve managed to pick up quite a few from the men in my life. Many were lessons on who I am, what I want and who I want to become. They’ve also shown me where I wish to go, what kind of a person I want to be. Women couldn’t teach me these lessons as most of us are nurturers. As such, we are too in touch with our emotions causing us to second guess ourselves, a lot.
The most important lessons were:
1- My needs come first and are non negotiable
Women are taught to compromise. In our attempt to please, we forget about our own needs. We know how to bend and do so willingly, at the expense of our mental and emotional states. We come across as if we don’t matter, that we don’t have needs and that our focus should be on pleasuring others. We spend time learning what to do and how to do them so we can please those in our lives. Men don’t do that. They come in the way they are, take it or leave. They will parlay, tease, insinuate or demand until you adapt to them, their ways. Men don’t have any idea what compromise entails. Few, very few do or willingly want to.
2- Don’t apologize for who you are
Whatever it is that you are, whether good or bad, don’t ever let anyone tell you it is not acceptable. Have you ever heard a man speak ill of his beer belly or the horrible goatee that makes him look like a goat or his funny bushy eyebrows or nose hair or hairy ears that make anyone want to puke? No way. Not at all. Ever. Men don’t listen to ideas from magazines or radio, tv hosts telling them what is acceptable. They define what is acceptable.
3- When you walk away, don’t look back
When a man tells you he is done. He is done. He will not cry over letters. He will not save emails or text messages. He will not look back because it is over (maybe for sex, if that was good, if he is in between chicks. Sex is air to a man, nothing personal I assure you). He is done, just like the day he never knew your name, he is right back to that day. He probably will not even show up at your funeral. He doesn’t know you. Done. Nonexistent. End of story. I’ve embraced that lesson. The same way it is easy for a man to walk off into the sunset, uncaring how the break up will affect me, that’s the same way I handle closure. We are done. Who are you?
4- Women are replaceable. In my case, men are replaceable.
A man loves you as far as you are useful. But, let you walk away, he will not have you believe that is the end of his world. He may ask you to reconsider, but is not sitting around waiting for you to make up your mind. Basically, you are not all that and a bag of chips. There are plenty of other fish. A fish is a fish is a fish. They do the same thing, which is to provide. Happiness isn’t tied to one person, you leave and someone else will come around and I’ll be happy. Actually, that may occur the same night, right in front of you, on his twitter, Facebook or Instagram, busily hooking up with someone else. You are replaceable.
With us ladies, he walks away and we are holding on to God knows what. We are living in the memories instead of accepting the reality that he took your money to learn French for the Canadian girl he met online, while he is courting the girl in New York that he used your money to buy the ticket to go visit. We bury ourselves in tears, then anger, and regret. We fear every other guy that comes along and allow the bastardly dog to ruin us for years to come.
5- Love is the one who puts up with all your shit
We call it “settling” ladies. Women hate that word. We feel it means getting less than we deserve. Men interpret it as emotions don’t have to matter “much” as long as she fits the bill. Usually that includes: “no baggage, hot in bed, decent job, decent body, can keep house, not annoying, allows me to do what I want when it matters to me”. Many men settle more than they fall in love. But, you would never know it. You would have to be so close to them (rare) for them to admit it to you. And because they are not that emotionally vested, their marriages will work. They will stay there and never leave. It is a sort of an arranged marriage. They search for certain characteristics. Once they find the one who meets them, they lock her in. They will make the best of it until death.
The male specie is indeed a weird one. Much as my male friends wish me to understand that they are like women, I can’t see it at all. Men are too calculating to be like women. They are full of confidence bordering on cockiness. They live on ego, uncaring who it hurts in the process, a trait not approved in women by society. Some would even believe that women have no ego. And we do. They breathe and live ego. If you can manage a man’s ego, then you’ll be in his life forever. Don’t criticize him, make him believe he is God and you’re friends for life. Women tend to be filled with insecurities, in need of connection, thus dependent on relationships forged on “likability”. Wanting to be liked is dependent on others’ opinions. That is one of women’s greatest shortfall. A man knows he is God and isn’t waiting for you to confirm it.
I’m not saying these are the answers for everyone or to everything but it sure gives me a whole new perspective for the future!
Felix fin de semana!!!
How can you be certain of what you don’t know?
You are of value.
It isn’t about how smart or rich or educated. It is not about where you live, what you do or who you know. You are of value. Take away all that you know and there is you. It isn’t about what you do or don’t do. It is about that breath in you.
But then I wonder, if you had not a mind to think and the ability to do, would you still be of value? Is value in relation to others or things, the environment or is it inherent to our “being”? Am I even making sense? Yes? No?
So, that breath in you, whether you are brain dead, comatose, in a vegetative state makes you of value I would think, right? But, then again, that value is imputed, you do not, in its simplest form determine value for yourself. It is this idea that was passed on through humanity, whether by osmosis or from some realm unbeknownst to us that existence has value.
It is in that same light that many protect animals, and some adore plants or attribute a certain living power to plants, right?
We want to know we matter. Or, something wishes to teach us that we matter. Maybe. We just want to make existence meaningful, give life meaning. Afterall, what is the point of being when no one chose to be here! Some believe that we, breath, body and soul through certain chemical interactions came to be, thus by accident. I’m discussing humanity, life as we know it, the earth and everything around us. Here by accident. If we are here by accident, why do we hold so dear to being? Why are we obsessed with meaning, purpose, defining self and self-realization? Why do we want to make this, the accident matter?
So, many choose to believe, we were created. If we were, there’s a reason for that, a purpose. Be it, that the gods or a God was cruel to give us this “present”. Is it a gift, if it lacks value?
And others, in their discomfort with the issue of breath, spirit choose to focus on depth. They make their existence about purpose, a passion, giving back. Breath becomes about a presence for others.
Why are we here?
Why are you here?
Why do we matter?
Does life really matter?
Do we really matter?
Some choose to leave this place, on their own terms. We think they are cowards. But are they? Is it cowardly to run towards the unknown? It is scary to think of it. You may choose to end it all in hope of finding peace unknowing where you’ll end up. It’s the unknown scarier? At least the devils here you can battle them, fight them out but what of the devils beyond? What do they look like? What are the rules there? Can we truly end it? When we choose when to go, is it really the end of it all? As in sleep, where our mind disappears, gone the pain, the turmoil, the questions, the shame, the worries, the fear. Are they?
We don’t know, do we? We imagine and build these beliefs on hearsay and witnesses we have never met, until we convict ourselves of them into whatever after.
In the end, what is clear is we are here, wrapped in a cloud of mystery through which we will have to walk through. The journey won’t be the same, we are forced to be here. We are not gods at all, much as many seem to believe. We have a limited will, why we are truly nothing in the big picture, just god in the prism of this decrepit vessel.
So it be.
You want me to tell you a story
Speak of a woman I never met
Draw on kismet
Sing the glorious experiences in dalliances past
You want me
Call on memory, color it happy
Say “joy, joy, was he!”
As the pain
Buries, buries me
Without a veil, no tears in sight
I write my story
Not as fantasy, but a plea
For those who will be, like me
Before the years’ sorrow
Dawns on the ‘morrow
What of me, the wind of fate,
Proclaimed in fierce embrace!
And if ever chance did await
I ran, I ran apace!
Hear not such liberties!
Hollering am I to the breeze
I, exempt of all species
The lessons of them to seize
But just a girl
Sunrise upon my face
Grown in a twirl
Faith ever erased
Vile, Unkind, Eros was to me
His bows kept striking free
Joy and peace
And left me on my knees!
L. 06/16/14 13:51
“Tell me, do you want to be my afterthought?”
In all my nice ways, yes I have many. Really! In all the ways I knew how, yesterday morning found me reaching out to all the fathers in my circle. I then went online to the sites I visit and wished those I barely knew a joyous day of celebration. Finally, I went to the site where my roots are anchored, to where many brothers gather to laugh and shoot the breeze to acknowledge such a special day.
I enjoy a good celebration and one about men being recognized, well, not that there are many to begin with tickles me busy. In light of them often stating how women are more recognized during the major holidays, I wanted to shout the many wishes my heart begged me to share.
I observed a few things and learned a little bit more than I knew a day ago. Many I knew who are fathers did not even acknowledge the thread with a “thank you”. They were online. They posted, logged I n, chatted and visited, discussing anything, music, sports but could not take one minute to show gratitude.
Being the mental case that I am, by the mere fact that I live in my mind and think too damn much, that behavior left me with such a grand “aha moment” filled with lessons. Primarily I hought that:
1-maybe they could care not for me and didn’t bother (it happens dear ones that people dislike you based on nothing, surprising to many of us but it does)
2- maybe they did not see the thread (duh, it was in the top three for more than 12 hours)
3- men are self-centered and don’t give two bits about what you do for them (the whole I didn’t ask you so why should you expect anything from me)
4- sports are so important that they don’t even pick up on people around them or what nice things you do for them (their team lost or won and the team is more important than the people around them)
5- men are unappreciative with people they don’t know (I don’t have to be nice, I don’t know you. They lack manners)
6- men are uncaring, thoughtless beings (they just didn’t get it and may think “what’s the big deal?”
7- men are secretive (the less they reveal the more they feel they are protecting themselves and their family members) the whole idea that the less you know about me, the better it is for me but they have no issue with asking others all types of pertinent, personal information, usually of women who, unknowingly and mostly openly will share (usually to their regret). Never open yourself to people who won’t do the same. Primarily, however it is because the men who tend to be so secretive to the point they won’t mention they have children (by acknowledging Father’s Day) are up to no good and are scared that doing so, being open will come and bite them in the tail.
And I wondered why they have issues why many holidays are not centered about them! You live in secrecy, duh!! They don’t know how to receive or be nice or vulnerable. To read the one person who did not celebrate be the one to acknowledge such a gesture also confirmed that to every rule there is always an exception.
It doesn’t hurt you to be nice gents and it is okay to be open about your children, about having them and loving them no matter the situa-ship you are in. Children give the best love and on that day, it is to celebrate the miracle, the gift of life that you took part in.
Or maybe, I think too much and am crazy, that’s the line men often use to dismiss almost everything issue, right?!
To all the exceptional men and fathers out there, I hope your day was amazing!!! Happy belated Father’s Day! This is where I should have spent my positive energy, right? :)
Thank you for all that you do!!
Smooches wherever you are!
And I smiled. I have heard that before and even asked myself that same question after reading statements like “when you know your worth, you won’t mind eating alone or being alone.”
Well, if I’m that “worthy”, why aren’t I valued? Am I valuing myself too much? Am I too “expensive” that many can’t afford me? Is knowing a reason to be alone?
There is a shade of truth and reality dripping from each thought. And yes, I do. I have learned how worthy I am. And it isn’t based on beauty, or money or even intelligence. It is based on how hard I worked on building my self-esteem, on how long it took me to mend my broken heart, on how difficult it is to learn to trust when you’ve been lied to and used.
It never fails that many of my personal experiences differ from the norm. When others state and you shall receive, the energy you put out, is what will come back to you, that I, “Ms. anomaly” as I’ve come to perceive myself have never experienced such nonsense. Not that I mean to offend, because logically I understand that we are the sum of our experiences and what I find to be untrue, unproved is someone or so many others’ “truth”. I’m not disregarding the apotheosis of their existence but can certainly attest that it has not worked for me, not from lack of trying mind you. Somewhere within me is this little mad scientist who tests everything to assess the validity of things. I’ll blame it on my dad who always taught us that we should try to learn about everything, try almost everything so we can find our “truth”.
I’m not any more “worthy” than the next woman or prettier, heck! maybe smarter I’ve heard that enough times that it may be true, and cocky I’m certain. That has come with old age or as end result to self-esteem building. Possibly! Maybe I’m joking, I’m not sure, but it matters not certainly. The world is great at belittling us and a little pat on the back for myself won’t hurt anyone else, certainly!
I digress as I often do. So, I’m sitting at home and this man, yes, another married one. Have I told y’all how lucky or is it unlucky I am at having more married men pursuing me than single ones? Well, many pretend to be single but are shacked up somewhere with some woman or baby mama they don’t want to let go of while playing footsie with me and many others I’m sure. The man sends me that text.
I accept the compliment but lack a succinct answer to that question. It is not complicated but too lengthy for a text and I hate texting as you know. I’m alone by choice and the consequence could be depressive at times but the alternative is much worse. I’ve tried too many times and have had to build trust in myself, in others for me to allow people so easily in my life. I’m much more conscious who I allow in my life. Too many whether friends or wanna be lovers play pretend and have no issue hurting me in the process of getting whatever they want out of our relationship whether it is sex or money, ego boosting and so on…People lie. I hate liars. I hate it so much that I fear I might kill someone if one other idiot comes into my life to use me or lie to me. I’m alone because I love my peace of mind. I want to be happy and despite all the research stating that having people in your life bring joy, I haven’t had that experience much. If your presence does not contribute to my joy but leaves me empty, confused, angry, crazed, apathetic, you’re a liability to my sanity. Do not make me feel less than I am!
I like my anonymity. I enjoy the not so intimate online encounters or the few at bookstores, the gymn or bars with positive, fun people who challenge my thought process, who are spiritual, who love to find their own paths. I love the misfits, the weirdos, the brilliant minds but online is where they stay. I can “visit” as I please and then hide in my corner. Having people around demands that I become emotionally attached. Many don’t deserve such attachment. That is who I am however. If we are friends, I’m attached and I care. I care if you call, come see me, how much time you spend with me, what we talk about, how close we are, how open you are with me. I can’t do half ass, fake ass, drive by anything. I love hard and I love deep, friends and lovers alike. Because I feel so deeply, because I get attached so honestly naively, I stay away.
I’m scared of people because in my experience, closeness brings more harm than good. They are mean and unmindful. The majority of course. I don’t fear relationships. I fear fake ones.
I’ve worked too hard on forgiveness and letting go to open myself up to people so readily or maybe ever. The few, I have a total of maybe two live far from me and I’m good with that. That’s all the risk I’m willing to take.
Wow! I’m hot! I’ve been hearing that more often as well. I guess I age well! That should be next to smart from now on. :-)
Peace, joy and love my darlings, wherever you are! Smooches!!!
The toughest time in my life is when my kids are away. I’m not talking about the weekends away at their dad’s or when they go camping. Those, I often can survive. It is the long summer vacation that I fear the most.
Logically, I can understand the benefits to us being away from each other, to their having a very loving and involved father who wants them in his life as much as I do. Emotionally, I am a wreck. The older they get, the harder the separation is on me. They are growing so fast. When I started on the single parenting journey seven years ago, it was easier.m They were younger, more restless so time away afforded me a physical and mental respite. Those ten weeks were enough to make me recuperate from picking them up at child care, the homework to survive, the cooking, more cleaning etc that were needed to care for them. As they grew, becoming more independent, time together is more about bonding, getting to know each other, the shared stories, the laughter. I don’t need time to recuperate from that. What I need is more of that, often and hopefully for a longer period than the predicted four before my oldest goes away to college and the extra two before my baby plans on moving back to New York as she often discusses.
Today finds me in tears as in the past few years as I had to say goodbye for the summer. I’m sure they will return taller, more mature, filled with new experiences I wasn’t a part of that I can’t wait to hear about. The meantime is what hurts. What do I do now? What do I do with myself? My babies are my life. They are my everything. During the school year, it is work, my babies and their activities. Eighty percent of my life has come to a standstill. And it hurts. The breakup is real as I am being torn apart. The emptiness filling the 2000 square feet purchased so they can have their own breathing space. I feel empty. Aloneness isn’t the issue, it is the lack of purpose that rests heavily upon my heart. Its weight strangling me.
Every summer, the same questions: “how will I survive this one? How will I go on when they move away from me?” And they will. I don’t want to be one of those parents who guilts them into staying, making them pity me, being so needy that they will despise me for my weakness. How I love them so!
This summer will be another awakening as in the past. I’m back in school, taking some classes, if only to bat away boredom, but at least it will be a productive one. I’m working on my spartan race, joining a runner’s club, picking up salsa lessons again, maybe?! One thing the past summers have taught me however is to save when they are away. I used to go wild earlier on, traveling, going to concerts, eating out, going to meetup events that were not so cheap when I tallied them altogether. The kids will be back and the back to school fees await as well as shopping for clothes and fees for activities. One must be wise.
If you too, find yourself with an empty house, crying like a baby as I am right this moment, remember that this too shall pass. One day, they will go away for good, you may barely get a phone call once a week. Save. Save. Save. There are so many things to do at the library, the park and taking classes online, at universities or even adult continuing ed classes at the middle schools and high school can fill up the time giving you a sense of purpose again.
It is not a good thing to make people the center of your joy, your life. The world awaits. Our babies believe we are strong and wise right? We can do this. Here’s to a summer to remember!
Why I am anonymous?
Call me weird. Some surely do. Call me stalker, troll, hater. I have been called these and possibly worst, indeed.
Let me tell you why.
People all around us live in fear, fear of being ousted, being criticized, being called on their bullshit or disagreed with. Yet, many pretend to be open, you know, like so many with a public profile. But, let you comment on any of their updates suddenly, you are crossing certain boundaries. They want to be seen, read, vaunted but don’t you dare disagree or call them out or offer them a different perspective. Suddenly, you are wrong. You don’t know your limits. Please tell me what are the limits on a public profile? They want to be applauded and liked. See me, but don’t come near me. Admiration for their intellect, their quirkiness or assault upon the public arena to you as they are busy promoting their goods to you, the goals. They want you, but they don’t want to hear from you. Unless, it is about everything that they agree with or promote. Just, like the saying , if you have nothing good to say, don’t go on their updates. Leave them be. Don’t challenge their statements, don’t correct their “your, you’re” and so on, despite the fact that daily they are calling others coons, ignorant, idiots, etc. They can criticize at will, putting negative energy into the universe, but don’t critique them in order to help them. They know it all. They are not here to learn or be open to others. They are happy putting everyone else in the world on blast!! Your role is to applaud, bow, embrace, enjoy their public platform.
You haven’t fully seen people until you try to reach their spirit, their soul. Many don’t have any or it is so deeply buried that they have stopped using it or see into others. It appears that many can’t handle discourse without certain preconceived notions. People need the physical, the image, to communicate with the mental. Ironic isn’t it?
I have always had a Facebook profile for my poetry. I ditched my personal profile because it wasn’t meeting my needs, that is a topic for another blog. On the profile, I do not have my picture or when I do post one, I don’t make it clear whether it is me or not. Never. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. I am there to promote my blog, my poetry and to read from others, learn from them, follow the pages that inspire as well as support the artists I like. In so doing, I’ve added a few “friends” and many have added me. I have over 100s of “friends” who have no idea what I look like. I like it that way. Some would add me based on aesthetics, aka, an avatar of a famous model they assume was my picture, or based on any of my replies from other discussions that they come upon.
Needless to say, many times, it doesn’t stay that way. After a bit, curiosity pushes them to inquire about a picture. I used to be shocked how quickly they would “unfriend” me when I denied such a request. Mind you, these people’s pages most often were public, my updates are non-controversial or offensive to say the least. Basically, they could not “connect” with my mind. They needed a picture to be able to “understand” where I was coming from. Really!!! Isn’t this the most ludicrous idea ever???!!!!! Some guy even blasted me on his page telling people I am the devil when I asked him certain questions regarding an update on Osiris. He removed me, blasted me and then blocked me. At the time, I had my other profile and could read on his “public” profile every nasty, devilish thing he was saying about me to his 4000+ followers. Mind you, this occurred after I repeatedly denied his request for a picture. Mr. Spiritual leader wanted to get my personal information, when he couldn’t, he shamed my profile.
Dear readers, a word of caution, please make sure who you allow on your friends’ list, how public you wish to be with your updates as well as your pictures online. I could imagine what he could have done with my picture had I sent it to him!
These are but a few reasons why I like being “anonymous”. I like my peace of mind. I love to engage in discussions where the reader reads my thoughts, unknowing if I am black, yellow, white or green. I want to learn from him and have him communicate with my mind. It is so easy for people to end a discussion with: “oh, you’re European, it’s because you’re not American or you’re a woman that’s why.” They refute logical propositions based on their narrow minded-ness. How can we evolve into more than the physical realm when our thoughts are so constrained?
And a few, the egotists, narcissists will convince themselves that I’m either an ex or a hater (paranoid much?). The funny ones would even write updates about people with no pictures replying to their “public updates”. Really!!!
Anonymity isn’t threatening unless you’re fearful. A public profile is accessible to the public, thus has weak boundaries. Unless someone insults you, there’s nothing to fear or question when a poster you don’t know, have never met, that you added on your list replies on your updates.
Anonymity is freedom! :-)