Life: Between the lines:

Okay, here I thought I was the crazy woman with issues or what men who have done me wrong call a bitter, hurt, broken woman. But I am not. There are other women like me seeing and living the reality that men treat women like toys, that men behave as if their dick inside a woman spells relationship, that men feel entitled to a woman’s body. AMEN to this article, it is time women demand more from men. We need to take away the cookie, raise our standards so men can shape up, grow up. And even if they don’t, at least we will never be treated like an object ever again. And that is what women mean when they say we don’t need a man, because men lately offer up only ONE thing: SEX. And if that is ALL a man is bringing to my life, I don’t need you. I don’t need a man. I need more than sex, more than your dick. Tell me, what are you bringing into my life for me to open it up to you?

Originally posted on I Put The Ass in Sassy:

Listen, I know that love is out there and it is real. But let me say, I don’t know what happened to this generation of men. Their idea of “courting” is a text saying “I’m Horny.”

The amount of men I have turned down in the past week is astounding…and their reactions are even worse! Below are three situation I encountered from three different men…

Situation #1:

A Facebook message from a boy named John. Who, by the way, is a self proclaimed strong Christian man who teaches at a local private Christian school as their choir teacher.



“So I’m out and about. And I’m really horny.”

I used this as my first opportunity to unleash my personal values on a horny man. Normally I would just put them down gently and say, “Oh I’m busy tonight.” But I have GOT to say, as a woman I am…

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Sex, sex, you and I


What does it cost to have sex!

It is almost 6 am and I’m getting ready to head to the gymn. Like the addict I am, I grab my headset and phone so I can tune out the world when I’m lifting or running. And I see the blinkers that I have text messages. They came in after my bedtime. So, I quickly check them out. No surprise there. They are mostly from men who couldn’t sleep and thought they’d hit me up with the typical “was thinking about you, wish I could crawl inside you right now” or “wish you were here to make me fall asleep”. You’d assume I was sleeping with all these men or in a relationship with them.

I am not.

If you’ve been single awhile, you’d realize that there aren’t many men willing to be in a steady relationship, who have nothing or are unwilling to offer you much but readily and greedily seek sex from you. Many don’t even bother with a date or basic conversations where they will have to pretend they want to get to know you. But, ask them what they want from you, they will confirm they want a relationship. As if, you are blind to the fact that they almost never have time for you, except for sex, or willing to fix anything around your house for you or take you to their house or even introduce you to their friends. Just so you can give them the benefit of the doubt, enough to leave a hole where they can crawl in, at any moment of weakness you may have, where you may want to be held, or want companionship or feel loved or just want an orgasmic night. Yes, they really lie you and want a relationship. Seriously!! (Insert sarcasm, dumb ass stupid look here) If that ever happens, he wants to be there.

It still surprises me that I’m continuously surprised that men really have yet to get a clue, how sex isn’t the ultimate physical need for most women as it appears to be for men. Really!!! We may love or enjoy it, but we won’t dupe anyone to get it. Let me put it this way, would you men enjoy waking up to texts from multiple women stating: “Was thinking about you. Wished you could be here to pay my mortgage this week”? (Please insert, feelings of ecstasy at being wanted and loved here gentlemen.). This is how many women feel when we wake up to your texts about sex, outside of a concrete relationship (unless specified it is a sexship): used, like an object, insulted, disrespected.

So, how much does sex cost you guys? One condom? A few texts, calls, maybe a couple of drinks at a bar or sometimes God forbid, a date where you split the bill?

This is what sex costs many women:
1) a gynecological exam to make sure everything is in tip-top shape (insert co-pay, time to and from the office etc.)

2) birth control (for two reasons, if we trust you, we may not use a condom, or even if we do use one, well, better be safe than sorry) (insert having to put hormones in one’s body, look up the side effects, check co-pay amounts depending on insurance plans. Do not forget daily reminder to take them on time. Is that time-consuming enough yet?)

3) the pack of condom most independent, responsible women would carry (child care is expensive and not too many of us want a child with a man who doesn’t know where he stands or we barely know, neither do we want to fight/argue over child support and visitation rights over 11 minutes of release)

I recall the few occasions I went through all these steps for a man who kept on coming in and out of my life, when I had to keep taking these darn pills and pay the monthly costs when we barely saw each other. He was in it for sex at his convenience and I thought we were building something.

Maybe these issues don’t come to men’s minds! Maybe men were not taught to value their bodies as much as women do! Maybe men really could care less about anything than an orgasm and if that is the case, it is sad to see human beings controlled so much by something that involves someone else, to the point that they can’t even take the other’s feelings and need into consideration!!!

Quite the shameful state!!!


For the demon of my dream, the ecstasy of my days. I remember! #sadism

Signs he only wants sex from you

1. He only texts you after 1 a.m.

2. He gets frustrated when you invite him over to watch a movie and actually just want to watch a movie.

3. You never meet his friends. The less information you have about him, the easier it is for him to ghost you. If you don’t know who he hangs out with, or where he lives, or what his last name is, he can disappear like a phantom into the night. A phantom who banged you a bunch of times and then stopped answering texts, which would make for a shittier Broadway play than the kind of phantom that hangs out in operas. But a phantom nonetheless.

4. He makes it really hard for you to sleep over.

5. He always hands you everything before you leave. Did you forget your bra? Some lipstick? Your purse? A single bobby pin?

6. You’ve never been on a real date. Dates are for men who consider themselves boyfriends, not men who consider themselves fuck buddies.

7. He always insists on splitting the cost of the post-coital pizza you ordered. If one of you doesn’t pay for the pizza, it can’t be considered a date. He will follow #6 if it kills him.

8. He’s “busy” whenever you text him about something personal or emotional. Who has time to pause his game of Madden to talk to you about things like how you feel? If your text about your grandma passing away isn’t attached to a sexy picture, he won’t even bother opening it. Guys who just want you for sex aren’t going to spend time playing the boyfriend.

9. He always tries to initiate sex when you hang out. An easy way to tell the difference between guys who like having sex with you a lot and guys who only like having sex with you is this: Think back to a time when the two of you were together but weren’t having sex for more than an hour. If you can’t do that, he only wants you for sex.

10. The only thing he’s ever bought you that could be considered romantic is a vibrating cock ring. (No tokens of affection. Aka he’s never bought you anything at all)

11. Every conversation turns flirty/sexual. Every time you talk or text, it immediately turns into a conversation about having sex. He’s stopped even trying to be witty about it. “Oh, you’re at the grocery store right now? I sure would like to have sex with you … at the grocery store ;-)”

12. He texts you to meet up with a group, but wants to go back to your place/his place as soon as you get there. You might think you’re about to meet all of his friends at some bar, but when you get there, he’s already waiting outside with his coat and some condoms.

13. He only compliments your looks. He loves your ass but not your sense of humor. You always look “hot” but never “gorgeous.”

14. When he comes over, he heads straight for the bedroom. There’s no loitering in the kitchen or hanging out in the living room with this guy. He has streamlined the process of sex-having by eliminating or minimizing the chitchat or talk about your day.

15. He never asked what you are looking for in a mate, in a relationship, what makes you happy. Everyone has needs and wants in life, whether in their professional or personal life. And if a man doesn’t ask, it is because he is not interested, has nothing he wishes to provide to you, doesn’t want to stick around to fill those needs, wants. He is into the getting and not the giving.

Modified from the original article that can be found here:

Not relationship material


There’s nothing more disheartening than continuously finding yourself in sinking “ships”. I say ship and not relationships as sometimes what we think is a relationship truly isn’t. The reasons are multifold which I have analyzed and covered at length already. This time, it isn’t about that but more so on how to wean out a poor candidate from the beginning.

First, as you get older, you’d find yourself appreciating the gift of time that the universe bestowed upon you. Thus, there’s nothing more annoying and upsetting than wasting the time you have on a ship that will not sail, anchored on cement.

Many would lie to get what they want from you but if you teach yourself how to know when someone is true, taking notes, studying them and not relying solely on emotions, you’d save yourself some pain and headache along the way.


I have learned that many men are emotionally scarred, either from psychological childhood trauma they never dealt with or are busy building a legacy, a future that they truly aren’t ready for a committed relationship but want to use you to meet their sexual needs as they drag your heart through the fire. It is inexcusable but it happens. Often times, they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child or someone they truly loved. It still doesn’t excuse the harm they will do to you. Only you can protect yourself. Don’t ever believe anyone else will protect you, especially from your own choices.

People to avoid if you are looking for a close, supportive and committed relationship:

1. People who Live out of state (let’s be real, someone must move within a year or it won’t last) or are married or in a relationship with someone else. (They promise they’ll leave but seem to not be able to)

2. People who have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.

3. People who are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.(those who always cry that you’re the one starting drama when you ask them pointed questions about where you stand or discuss the poor ways they treat you)

4. People who are mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.

5. People who are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers

6. People who prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family. (Look at the history on past relationships)

7. People who are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods. They’re evasive, make excuses, or just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship.

8. People who are seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match.

9. People who are narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs. They never think about what you want or try to meet you half way. They are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.

10. People who throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw. (They pull and let go, sweet one day to keep you then very nasty, sometimes behave as if they are bipolar)

11. People who hint or even admit that they aren’t good at relationships or don’t believe in or aren’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them.


Many of these people are emotional abusers. Emotional abusers are needy. They need you more than you need them so they won’t sink into depression or substance abuse. Most can’t let you go even when they aren’t treating you well or not doing right by you. That is not love. You are their lifeline to what it means to feel, to experience love and they resent you, actually hate you for it at times as well. That is why they pull and push. They want and reject you equally, an endless bait and switch. They may not even be aware that they are hurting you and some may even believe they love you but they don’t know what love really means, busy as they are protecting themselves from pain, reeling from their past as well. They may accuse you of exactly the vile acts they commit (PRIMARY sign of an abuser). After being with them, you will be left feeling: unworthy, alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected. I’d you want love peace and joy, stay away. Be aware and listen as people will show you early on whether they are emotionally available for a relationship. If you don’t, be ready for endless misery.

Excerpted from:

How to stop the pain!


Have you found yourself in situations, sometimes repeatedly, where you are constantly being hurt, where you feel this person made you feel bad, that you are not worth much or that you’ve been lied to or used? If you have, allow me to share how you can lower the chance of that happening.

I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I can tell you what has worked for me, how I came to have peace of mind, how I’ve stopped the pain. I’m sure you’ve read the articles, seen the quotes, listened to everyone’s point of views on why you get hurt. If you’re like me, you probably heard but could not relate and that is why you kept on repeating the same pattern. Nothing clicked.

They did not register because you weren’t hurt enough. You did not reach the point of feeling so bereft that you could feel yourself sinking. There is such a pain when you know you’ve tried it all, you’ve done everything, you kept the faith, remained opened to possibilities, raised the banner of hope, was honest and yet, no matter what, this person, this relationship wasn’t making you happy. You loved this person, or these guys, you saw potential. They promised the world. Some days they were good to you, a nice conversation, if you’re lucky a couple of hours of intimacy and not just in bed.  And then you started to second-guess yourself, believing it was all in your head, that you were imagining trouble, that they were right, you were the reason why things would be good today and they’ll disappear tomorrow. You were asking for too much, too many questions, too many requests. You were needy or clingy or too demanding or going too fast. You were everything they were planting in your head. Basically, you were the source of all that was bad in the relationship and they were the good guys, the good ones. They were trying their best (even when that wasn’t what you knew was the best for you, or enough for you or what you stated you needed to feel loved). Basically, they were molding you to do what was good for them. They were training you to accept crumbs for food.

Your heart wasn’t  having it. You felt empty. Deep down you knew that seeing each other every three months wasn’t it, never being invited to their house wasn’t a relationship, discussing his ex or being compared to her wasn’t respectful, paying his bills when he couldn’t babysit your child wasn’t support. You knew. He left you more drained than fulfilled. You could sense that many things were missing and the situation ship was wrong.
That was your intuition. It is that part of you that sustains you, that little voice that leads you to happiness. Don’t bury it. Each time you took a road against its counsel, was the time when the pain was sharpest. Yet, you kept on, sometimes out of loneliness, or boredom or need or love. There is this kind of love where you want this person so much, that you stop loving yourself and place your needs on the back burner, that is “vampiric love”. And it always leaves you, bleeding, empty and weak.

When you reach that point and have to heal, sometimes over and over and over again, becoming a ghost of your former self, living in darkness, that is when you will learn how to stop the hurt and learn to let go.

If you’re there at this moment, here are some steps to make sure it won’t happen again:

- Acknowledge the pain. Sink into it. Cover yourself in it so you will know what it tastes like, feels like, smells like. You want to remember every ache and imprint them on your emotional psyche. You know why, because you don’t EVER want to experience it again. And since that moment will be the last, let it overpower you and penetrate your every being. Taste the pain.

- Do NOT point fingers at him. I’ve found that when you do, it leads nowhere to improvement. And yes I agree, he hurt you. He did you wrong. He used you. He made you feel like you were the worst woman he’s ever been with even when he told you he loved you. He made promises and pulled your strings. Do NOT blame him. I’ve learned that when you spend time blaming him, recalling every dirty trick and abuse, every lie and misdeed, you can’t learn what you did wrong and where you went wrong. I’m not saying it is your fault at all, which in part it may have been, because dear if you weren’t on the dance floor, the two of you could not tango; what I want is for you to realize you were dancing. Once you do that, now you can learn the tricky steps that will make you shine, not just your partner.

- Define what you want in a relationship that makes you happy. Do you like long conversations, time together weekly, reciprocity, openness, a man who follows through etc? What do you want? What do you need to be happy? If it helps, write them down so you can remember. There will come a time when that right-looking dude comes along and the chemistry is on point, when your senses mask that weak, newly built inner voice and you will need that list. Do NOT move away from it. What I have learned from men is they will play with almost anyone, but won’t settle just on chemistry. Women, we make that mistake too many times. “I love him. Or, he’s so good in bed and we go googoo, gaga, then proceed to throw away the requirements. We compromise our needs just to have him, to be with him and become the person he wants, doing the things that makes him happy when he doesn’t even bother much with what we need.

Don’t allow any man to tell you that what you need to be happy is too much, or too demanding, or the list is too long (it can be, be cautious as well). That is another trick to turn you into who they want without trying at all. It may be too much indeed, but for him. He’s not the one. He’s just not the one for you. For example, I’ve adopted the “no text rule” with almost everyone. So, if a man wants to date me, I tell him from the beginning that I don’t accept text conversations. They have caused more hassle in my romantic life than bring intimacy. I have met suitable, smart, sexy men (the type I enjoy) who tell me that is their preferred mode of communication. What do I do? I walk away. This is one of my non-negotiables. I need real life conversations, by phone or in person. No sexy lips, or amazing pair of hands or brilliant mind will change that. Do not minimize that inner voice and keep your list of needs close.

- This leads us to the most important one: consistency. You must look for consistent, repeated behaviors that don’t sit well with what you need to be happy. Ex: if he makes promises and does not follow through, if he doesn’t make an effort, if he is unwilling to admit when he is wrong or has done things that hurt you. As Maya Angelou stated, “If a man shows you who he is, believe him”. Watch him, his actions or lack thereof will tell you a lot. If you keep having the same conversations over and over and over agin, he is not listening to you. I know you may like him, are into him and could already picture a future together although you’ve known him less than a month, but that man is a stranger. Question him. Follow him. Watch him. Look for consistency and inconsistency. He’s trying to get into your life either for good or bad. And that pain you tasted that you don’t wish to swallow again should be a reminder to make sure it would be for good or in the least, make it extremely difficult for it to be bad once more.

- Finally: learn what love feels like. When you’ve been in relationships that left you more hurt, broken than happy, you tend to forget what love feels like. The best way to do so is by treating yourself the way that makes you happy. Love yourself girl. Love yourself in such a way that the next guy, if he comes would have a really high bar to jump over.

No one’s gonna save you or protect you baby girl, but you! Too many come to take and not give.Save yourself.

And I promise, you will not only be happier, most importantly you will find peace.image