What I miss the most!


Hmmmm

Hmmmm

I’m facing an abrupt reality. It hadn’t occurred to me in the past. A long time ago someone asked me whether I was leaving in fear, fear of another relationship. He questioned the fact that I stopped going out, meeting men, dating. No profile on match, or POF or Tinder, nothing. In all honesty, I am not scared of relationships, never was and still aren’t. And because I am quite particular, my devils live In wording, I did not realize that the fear that moves me or more so nails me is: man. I fear man, the man. I like some of them. I respect a few even, but turn them into potential for intimacy, I really fear them.

I don’t trust men with my emotions, with love, with time, my body. One would first have to value these things to do so in others. I see them as callous beings who don’t give a shit about anything or anyone but themselves, their wants, their needs, and on their own terms. They are takers that pull and withdraw. They are puppeteers with people, their emotions and not inanimate objects. They lack compassion, kindness. They come with purpose, none to my benefit. They use and abuse then turn around and blame me, telling me I should have known better that they came with vile intentions despite their words of love. They get off knowing how many lies they can get over, and how crazy they can make you. They love and trash you at the same time.

A loving relationship is that beautiful bright sky filled with stars, I want to get closer to. It is fascinating. I wish to draw near and hold. And each time I reach whether on a ladder, on top of buildings or wings of an airplane I keep falling. The higher I reach, the worse the fall. Then I realized, it isn’t the lack of wishing or trying it is the avenue that is subpar. Or maybe, only a few, the astronauts can get to fly into the sky, higher and higher to the point they get past it all, to many other dimensions and can look down upon that very same setting!

A man will...

A man will…

I’m not one.

I’m sitting having my lil’ drink, not thinking about romance or love or dating, just out enjoying a beautiful twilight and he interrupts my thoughts. We start speaking. We discussed everything, family, children, divorce, sports, Hilary Clinton, Obama, fishing. We spent hours talking and then he asked for my number. I’m grown right? I could use a friend or two to have drinks with, right? So, I give my number then he calls and texts. He was happy we met. I’m different and fun to talk with. He wants more. And I cower.

I can handle strangers in the night. I can enjoy repartees but an advance for more fires, cannons of uncertainty?!! Men aren’t kind. They haven’t been in the past, why would this one be any different? It isn’t him. It is me. I have given up on expectations and belief in the male specie. I can only see pain and lies, another one coming to take and take and use and use.

I miss who I used to be

I miss who I used to be

I admit. I can’t find my innocence, my naïveté, another blank page to hand over to another male who will write his own bullshit in a chapter in my life. Does that make me horrible? I’m a hopeless case. Hope is founded on positive expectations and I barely have any left, especially of the male specie. Am I blaming every man for all the bad ones I came across!! Hardly! I’m building on my experiences. Isn’t that what they teach us, Lear from your mistakes? Don’t men say we should thank them for the lessons? The men I allowed in my romantic life were mainly warnings. I cried too many tears over potential, dream, hope and chances. And I learned. Every time I tried, I failed and failure hurts. It takes years to re-build.

I choose to build. I now choose to invest. In me. In my peace of mind. In acceptance. If I could, I would want the days when I never even dated a man. If I could…or at least wished I had experienced more blameless break-ups. I gave my all At the feet of hope and taking chances.

People spend dollars every week hoping to win the lotto. Few win. Some choose not to play, choosing to invest elsewhere. But others keep at it. Sometimes out of habit,, or other times ecause they can. They have the funds, the time to spare.

I have nothing to spare.

Where you’ll find me!


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Because of love I stand

For lips that haven’t been kissed,
mouth that hasn’t lied.
For cheeks, rosy and dry,
eyes that mark me inside.
For skin, untouched,
but heart that bleeds.
For arms that stay empty,
and fingers bursting with fervor.

I stand

Even but a moment. because of love
For love. I stand firm. Alone. Healed.
Love made me. Believe.
Love had me. Say no.
Love gave me. Happiness. Peace.

Because of love. I stand.

I am here

L. 02/14/15 0954

Kindness is slowly vanishing. We are turned upside down by belief. Should we get lost in ideology over people? We fail to care for those, like us, are trying to be the best they can be with what has been gifted or cursed to us all: breath.

RIP
Hashem Shabaani
Tullie
Kayla Mueller

The docent of Hades


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they said
he died of heartbreak and sorrow
spent!
hell-bent on (repent-tense)

a stance,
anchored on mosaic-yesterdays
floating on molasses and blues

his mind, a humidor for sentences
not given, uttered, nonetheless served

in seconds

compartments of guilt and regret laced with
arsenic-remembrance
forays of absinthe-absences

none could tell when life gave him up
or when he found the way to redemption
on this journey of punches between forgetfulness, regret, freedom

Pounding. Pounding.
Pounding. Pounding.

Heart-beats.
Away!
Gone!

free indeed!
free is he!

weep no more!
lulled no more!
one thing for sure,
true to his core,
he swam ashore.
to fly above,

on the wings of heartbreak and sorrow.

L. 01/31/15 0142

 

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Unshed!


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Men tears

I collect them!

in buckets
drained over the years
from sunny days
inside their smiles

I collect them!

unshed
not even in my bed
sweet, salted wounds
bottled up monsoons

I collect them!

in solitude
wind-blown quietude
laid down liaisons
feels like a mission

I collect them!

Men tears!

parting words
never heard
salted and sweet
purged down cheeks to my feet

I collect them!

from them that can’t let go
of those who won’t say no
gifted in long embrace
wrapped in moonlight lace

Men tears!

I collect them!

L. January 18, 2015 1800

 

Those who don’t allow themselves to cry pass the hurt onto others who will!

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Hustle and consequences


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To the best part of my being here!

I want to believe that the energy we send when we think about someone and meditate on his name, does reach that person. You make me want to believe in the impossible, the unthinkable.

It has been a few weeks since you have been on my mind. I hover across time, pulling out memories you left behind. They were always sweet, kind. Man! How I appreciated you! I don’t think you’ll ever be able to comprehend how your thoughtfulness affected every particle of my being.

You are exceptional. I don’t know many people who will make time for me and my family. You did. You left business dealings, adjourned meetings to spend time with us. You were the sole person to welcome me to this state, this city. You’d say “hey, Nydsie, I’ll show you around. I’ll show you my Florida.” You took us to the places you loved, frequented. You made sure to call us and see how we were doing at least every two weeks. You understood what it meant to be alone and no family around us. You embraced us.

I miss you so much!

I miss the girls jumping all over you and you lifting them both on your shoulders together so they won’t be jealous. Do you know they still remember all the lessons you taught them about boys, dating, saving money and loving each other.

The girls miss you so much.

You were the best part to moving here although you weren’t even part of the plan. Boy! You are so giving. I know you had that savior complex I used to tease you about, but honey it is what makes you so memorable, so good. How you saved me from sad days, loneliness and the tears! I am who I am today because of you. You held me up when I was wreak and refused to take the credit.

I would give anything to know you’re okay, to know where you are, to know you’re happy.

I knew what you were up to you wished to keep us away from and one day will take you from us. I wished you believed enough and took the leap to trust. You could only be who you are. No matter how imperfect you believe yourself to be, how dirty, nasty and cruel the life you lead is, they don’t and will never take away how wonderful you truly are.

I miss you B.!

Surely, the universe will make sure you’re surrounded by the loving energy we continually send your way.

Hope you’re aight!!!

You were worth it!