A resting place


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A house is where you sleep
A home is where you rest

I am weary
More so restless

I have this homeless friend
He lives on a corner’s bend

There’s no place to go
I ask why it has to be so

He stands asking for meat
I bow my head in defeat

Day after day, cardboard in hand
Begging, begging for an end

There’s no reason
We seek a beacon

Beckoning for tomorrow
No more, no more sorrow!

I sit aside
You think me blind

I see, I see you friend
Together, until the end

I lay my head inside this house
Feeling blue, quiet as a mouse

Thinking of you
What I must do

Beneath the open sky, north, south, east to west
All we want is a place, to rest

L. 10/28/14 0708
For the man with the cardboard at the corner of once upon a time!!!

Aimless wanderer


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Et bien alors tout a change. Je ne pourrais vous dire si c’est pour le meilleur ou pour le pire. Je le ressens et des fois cela m’attriste.

I’m living the life of observer. I’m here but really I’m not. Things are happening around me but I can’t say I’m experiencing them. Does that make sense? I’m living outside of myself. I can’t describe it and wish I could.

I look at people and wonder why they are so bothered or so busy doing nothing. They think it is something, that all this has meaning when nothing really matters.

I see them discussing Ebola. Why? You get it, you may live or die. But that was always a given. Life is if and or, may or may not. The predictability or fate of an occurrence weighs heavily on hindsight.

I read this entire essay recently on why Claire Huxtable must die on the drunk feminist site and why we, African Americans should embrace Liv, Analise and Mary Jane. The writer was in a tizzy, obsfucated. These people are fictitious characters!!! Do our lives, our existence really come to characterizations based on television penned from the imagination!

So, I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed by it all. We are busy doing nothing that will ultimately change the outcome of existence. We believe we are contributing something to society, that we matter but then what? What else! A legacy? And then you’re forgotten. So, maybe we decide to take, take of whatever we can, because we realize it doesn’t matter, does it? And if it does, who do we trust to tell us?

I spent over an hour talking with someone. Truth is, she talked I listened. And my few interjections were thwarted. She was busy, busy repeating the same things I had heard millions of time before. She had no time for anything or anyone else. I was the slate upon which she will spew her distaste, her pain. I played the role. I listened. She needed that.

But what did I need!? She could have asked how I was. How was I? How am I?

Changed.

I’m changed.

I remember the last time I felt that life had meaning or purpose, that giving her my two cents will get her out of her rut. I remember the last time I laughed and really truly believed that life is worth something you know.

Last day it felt good to be alive.

Last day it felt good to be alive.

That’s the illusion we all live, daily. We wake up and think oh I’m alive and I’ll make the best of it. We keep repeating the motions of living, over and over and over again with only one end in sight. We were at the end before we even started. In the end, it ends and not one thing will last as you knew it.

And I sit, within my skin. I take it all in, I nod my head and laugh. I laugh at the automatons that we are.

Mais la vie, c’est un risque extraordinaire!

This much is true: love never dies!


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Every love song has your name inscribed.

Every sad song, heartbreak song brings you to mind.
There’s such a thing as forever love. You showed me how.

No matter how angry I get when I think about the things you did, or how hurt I was by your Machiavellian ways, I smile every time in my heart. Because it is you.

I could read your words over and over, the manipulations. Yet, I will smile.

There is this mean little child in you that comes to play, even when your mind knows you’re being bad. It is as if you can’t even stop yourself. You thrive on the power at making people do things for you and make them like it, even when they don’t even understand why they do so.

You’re badass and you know it.

I cry, but I love you. No matter the impact or destruction you leave behind I will always love you. When I hear them, I smile and think “that’s my baby, he’s at it again.” Gosh! How many times I wises you weren’t so contrived. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be you, would you?

It is those smarts of yours, the confidence blended with s hint of child-like mannerisms that define you. But you are more than that too. You know it. Everyone who has met you knows it. You could be so much more than stuck in potential. And when that sweetness of yours peeps!!! By God! We are in awe and ravaged by it. So, today, I hear another love song and think: “Man, I love this kid.” No matter where you are, what trouble you get yourself into, I understand it is the journey you chose. I wish you’re happy, today, always, and forever.

I don’t think you would ever comprehend the depth of my love, or what I’ve given not once, but twice just because of you. Ou se neg mwen an vre! If I could have wished you on a star, you would have never come out half as perfect.

BB U.R.

It’s gonna be okay!!


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I happen to work in one of the worst environments, where no matter what I do, it is an issue. My field is so specialized that finding another position is difficult, unless I move. Again. Four years ago, I made a decision for my children’s sakes. Since my divorce, I had them move across country about four times and they were so young. I hated all the changes, but I couldn’t provide the life I needed or feel I must provide.

When you divorce a man, you know that he usually will look for everything wrong that may occur with the children and blame you. If they have a pimple, it is your fault, if they get poor grades it is your fault and so on…thank goodness so far, my babies are the most amazing gift from God and have not given me much trouble. This, since they had to be latchkey kids so early. I feel even more torn when I have to make life changing decisions. I seek to protect them from the pain, from the consequences of my choices. They didn’t ask to be born. They did not tell me to leave their dad and have them grow up so fast and take on responsibilities that they may not have had to had they been raised in aimage two-parent home.

The guilt tears me into pieces. I decided to cushion the fall out as much as possible and settle in one State, no matter what! Once you make a commitment, you’ll find out soon enough how many hurdles would come your way, testing your resolve. I’m a strong believer in being happy where I work. I love what I do and have never had any issues at any of my places of employment, except this one. That one where I decided to bend and carry that cross, settle, hold on tight, not run away as I usually do from anyone or any situation that does not bring me peace or joy. But leaving will mean moving. Again. My babies have developed

close bonds. They finally feel secure. They love the house, the neighborhood, their schools, their church family and most of all their dad found the only available woman across the country, one damn hour away from us and married her. So now, he is nearby. They love their dad. He loves having them every other weekend. Another decision that wouldn’t affect just my life!!!

I am dying. I am in pain. I am stuck. I am in a horrible situation where I am not respected or appreciated and where every decision I make or care plan is questioned. People are second guessing my every move. I don’t know why. I have never had these problems before. Every employer I left loved me. Heck! I keep in touch with all of them. Why this one? Why this place where I committed to stay and do my darndest to stick it out. I’m having the worst time, experience of my career!!!

Every other week, I feel like slitting my wrist because of some nonsense. It is the south. Yes! I’m the only black one. Racism exists but I don’t want to use that as an excuse. But I am damn good at what I do. All my patients adore me. I passed my review. I work days others won’t. I stay late. I go early. I bend and I bend and I bend. I pray and I pray and I fast and I fast. Mostly I cry. I cry almost everyday. My co-workers love me and can’t understand either. Yet, here I am. The nit-picking.

 

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Worse is that no one can do much. It is all up to me. Do I leave without a job to fall back on? There is not one any closer than 70 miles from where we live!! I can’t leave my babies for so long! I would hardly see them. I bought a house. I’m committed. They are settled.

It is one thing to have so many worries as a single parent, in addition to the guilt. It is even worse when you have an angry bitter ex waiting for you to fail. It is excruciatingly painful feeling you’re failing at what you’ve always been great at and doing for so long. Failing how, you know not really!! It drives you insane. So I stay. I carry the pain, the burden, the abuse, being second-guessed and questioned as if I don’t have nearly two decades of experience. I do it all for them.

I go home and repeat. I cross out each day, counting how many left until the baby leaves High school. I want to run away. I want to die. I want a glimmer of hope, a change. I want better. I want the abuse to stop. Where from? I don’t know. I don’t have anyone but me, no friends here to help me forget even for a moment or the luxury of a second income to fall back on until something better comes along. My family isn’t near either. It sucks. Single parenting is horrible. I would never wish it on anyone if you don’t have a support network.

I’m in that crazed, hopeless mood in my office and in comes one of my co-workers who knows everything that’s happening at work. She questions management, the way I’m treated as well but everyone knows they’re either trying to push me out of my own free will (so I won’t sue. They have no legal grounds.) or they’re hoping I get so upset, I’ll lose my cool, snap at them so they could fire me for insubordination.

She walks to me, understanding my frustration and says: “it is going to be okay.”

Just one sentence and she took me out of my slump. I wanted to share this because of the impact it had on me. She has no way of knowing it will. But for some reason, she said it and I believed her. My day took a turn for the better. I remembered who I was, how far I came these past seven years and ended my day on a more peaceful note. It feels good having someone by your side, someone cheering you on. Somehow it weight, that burden seems easier to handle,

Dear readers, you just never know how kind words can impact someone’s day or state of mind. I hope you have now learned and would gift them to those around you. I don’t know what the future holds. But yeah, I do agree with her, no matter, it will be okay.

Happy hump day!!!!

Commitment is a voluntary sentence taken for a greater good/benefit. May it be worth it, dear God, may it be worth it!!!

 

 

Tell me


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You want me to tell you a story
Speak of a woman I never met
Draw on kismet
Sing the glorious experiences in dalliances past

You want me
Call on memory, color it happy
Say “joy, joy, was he!”

As the pain
Buries, buries me
Without a veil, no tears in sight
I write my story

Not as fantasy, but a plea
For those who will be, like me
Before the years’ sorrow
Dawns on the ‘morrow

What of me, the wind of fate,
Proclaimed in fierce embrace!
And if ever chance did await
I ran, I ran apace!

Hear not such liberties!
Hollering am I to the breeze
I, exempt of all species
The lessons of them to seize

But just a girl
Sunrise upon my face
Grown in a twirl
Faith ever erased

Vile, Unkind, Eros was to me
His bows kept striking free
Joy and peace
And left me on my knees!

L. 06/16/14 13:51

“Tell me, do you want to be my afterthought?”