The disappearing man: an epidemic


This was originally posted here: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html#comment-form

I have been thinking about this form of mental and emotional abuse that is rampant in my community. Naively, I thought it was only within certain circles. After much research, I have found many dealing with this issue. As usual, it is to counsel the “survivors”, mainly women teaching us how to deal with the wounds, how to heal. So of course, I share for those who like me are still healing. Un besito! I just wonder though when will we, society, mature men included start to hold these abusers accountable for their actions!!! Why should the changes the shifting, the be better message fall on women, constantly, continuously??? When will we start asking better from men, that they teach women with respect and not just disposable receptacles? When!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dating a disappearing man that reappears periodically without notice, and after rudely disappearing on you without explanation, is certainly an experience that many modern-day females can relate to.

This can be seen in the discussion of the topic on this piece titled “Disappearing/Reappearing Man: What to Do” which is no longer able to accept any further comments on the site as it’s reached the 5,000 limit.

Yep, I’d say a lot of you have been dating a disappearing man and have reached your limit. I’d go even further and say it’s a modern-day dating epidemic. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, I won’t repeat the suggestions I’ve shared on that piece because you’re free to go there and study up on it. However, I will say that after a couple of years’ worth of discussion on dating a disappearing man, and after many thousands of personal stories shared there, it has become apparent to me that the best way to deal with a disappearing man who reappears periodically to dredge things up (before disappearing again) is to focus on yourself – and try your best to forget about him.

Probably not what you were expecting to hear, I understand that. There are very detailed suggestions listed in that article referenced above if you’d like to give it a try. But after a couple of years of observation and lots of discussion with women dating a disappearing man, it has become clear to me that when these types disappear on you, even if they circle back, it generally leads nowhere. And that’s not because there’s something wrong with you – it’s because there’s most likely something wrong with them.

Men who display this pattern of behavior generally do not correct it. I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And the reality here is that we’re dealing with old dogs, ladies. Plain and simple – and they’re not learning any new tricks. They’re simply repeating the old ones over and over and over again for as long as they’re permitted to get away with it, which brings me to my next point.

People Can Only Treat You as Poorly as You LET Them

When we permit these patterns of behavior to play out in our lives over and over and over again, it should come as no surprise that the same outcome is simply repeated again as well. Yet it perplexes us. If he didn’t like me, why did he bother to come back? If he wanted nothing to do with me back then, why is he ringing my phone again now? It must mean he likes me. It must mean he’s at least slightly interested, right?

Yes, no, and maybe – for all the wrong reasons.

Is he interested in sex? Yes. Is he ready for a committed relationship? No. Has he hit a dry spell? Maybe. Either way you slice it, after a couple of years listening to stories from women out in the trenches dating a disappearing man, I can honestly tell you – I can’t think of one time, not one time, that it’s ever ended with “and they lived happily ever after.” I’ve read a ton of stories about women outgrowing their disappearing man (DM), or boring of him, or tiring of him, or meeting someone else in the 3 months it took him to make his 3rd reappearance. But no, in the 5,000 comments and stories shared, I’ve never heard a story that concluded with a “happily ever after” ending.

What I do hear is a lot of women beating themselves up, blaming themselves, wondering what’s wrong with them, questioning why he hasn’t called and asking when he will. And after a couple of years of researching this topic, I can stand here today and tell you – it’s definitely not you – it’s a modern-day epidemic.

Behavior that was once considered abnormal is now slowly becoming the accepted norm. Hiding behind devices in texts and emails is making it even easier to transition society as a whole into the acceptance of this – accepting sociopathic behavior that displays no sense of remorse, guilt or empathy for the individual on the other end of the line. It’s easy to just disappear these days, because half the communication that existed in the first place existed in the virtual world, on a device screen, and not in real life. Gone are the days when you’d have to hold these discussions face to face. Nowadays, don’t like someone; don’t want to see them anymore? Hey, no problem, you’ll never have to speak to them again – just don’t answer any calls, emails or texts from them and voila’ – problem solved.

Throw in online dating and the endless buffet of easy opportunities there and what you end up with is a bunch of kids in a candy store, running around experiencing a fantastic sugar high that they never want to come down from. It builds the ego, it gives them something to brag to their buddies about, and they rarely, if ever, have to face any consequences for it. Hence, the birth of the disappearing man.

Ahh, utopia does exist after all, no?

The Mind Trip a Disappearing Man is Running on You

Many of these bad boy “players” are using a psychological tactic that they’re not even aware of (although some are VERY aware and well-educated on the matter). They think they’ve got some magic sauce about them that women just can’t get enough of. But really, all they’ve done is stumbled onto a very real fact about the human psyche:

I just watched two men, both mid 30’s, on a reality television show the other night talking about women and dating – the issue at hand? One man had two great women on his hands. Sigh . . . problems, problems. Yet, he was patting himself on the back proudly about the fact that it was only two – which apparently is down from his usual norm of 8. Yea, you heard me, I said 8. And the other guy he was talking to didn’t blink an eye at that number.

So I think it’s safe to say – rotating 8 women at one time, misleading them all to think you’re “relationship ready”, talking about having babies and a future with them, and using them for sex until it’s time to move onto the next gal in your rotation – is apparently “the norm” in the lifestyle of many young modern males these days.

Should you hold your ground and level the playing field when dating a disappearing man that you sense has you locked into a rotation that he hasn’t exactly been honest about? Absolutely.

Should you hold your breath waiting for him to circle back around again? Don’t bother; it’ll be your turn again before you know it.

Should you pick up that phone or respond to that text when he does circle back around? Probably not – unless you want the first outcome to repeat itself a second time.

So What SHOULD You Do?

Forget having a “talk” with him and instead, do something constructive that will actually benefit YOU – and have that hard talk with yourself.

Ask yourself what it is that causes you to keep taking this man back. What is it that causes you to want to continue dating a disappearing man, despite already knowing that he’s not capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs. Dig deep, because the answers don’t lie with him – they actually lie WITHIN you.

I repeat – people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them. If you do not permit people to act upon you, then you don’t get hurt, you don’t get used and you don’t let other people make you feel like crap over their shortcomings in life. You check their baggage at their door and you walk away into your future.

I’m not an overly religious individual, although I do consider myself spiritual – but when someone says something that is so very powerful it sends vibrations to your very core . . . then the message must be shared. Having said that, I’ll let Bishop T.D. Jakes take over from here:

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t care how wonderful they are, I don’t care how attracted you are to them, I don’t care what they did for you 20 years ago, I don’t care what the situation is. When people can walk away from you, let them walk – because your destiny is not tied to the person who left.”

Can I get an AMEN, ladies!

Dating In The Hook-Up Culture: 10 Weird And Confusing Stages Of The Modern Relationship


Note: this is not my write. Thank you! Source: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dating-in-the-hook-up-culture-10-weird-and-confusing-stages-of-the-modern-relationship-grgs/comment-page-1/#comment-1917777

Here’s a Millennial writer’s dark observation and opinion of his generation’s way of ‘dating’.

Dating these days is a joke. And not a very funny one at that. I don’t know if it’s because our generation started dating before we hit puberty or whether the Kardashians of the world have ruined what was once a beautiful thing, but the truth is that dating these days is horrible.

Half the damn time you won’t even know if you’re actually dating or not. What was once explainable using a single digit binary code now requires the decimal system.
It’s no longer “Are you dating?” or “Are you not dating?” There are now different stages, one hardly distinguishable from the other – at least while on the inside.
Looking from the outside in, on the other hand, gives shape to the confusing and convoluted dating culture that we have created for ourselves. Here are the more easily recognizable stages:

1. The One-Night Stand.
Regardless of whether you met on the street, in a coffee shop, at your yoga class or in the park, the first date tallies up to one thing: either a successful or failed one-night stand.
It doesn’t matter what the initial intentions are – not as if you know what the other person’s intentions are anyway – on the first date you’re either sleeping together or not. Depending on the results of this stage, you’ll move on to stage 2.

2. The Second Glance.
Seeing as how you were probably highly intoxicated the first time around, you decide to see this person one more time. This decision is most likely the result of you not being certain whether or not the person was good in bed.
You managed to black out sometime in the middle of it all and can’t figure out whether the person was the best or worst sex of your life. Round 2 it is.

3. The Booty Call.
You have officially dubbed him/her, or have been dubbed, worthy of sexual pursuit. Congratulations! You can now move on to phase 3: the booty call. Now it is acceptable for you to text this person at odd hours, preferably when you’re intoxicated or about to be intoxicated, to come over.
In this stage, it isn’t recommended that you refrain from calling the person or see him/her without drinking heavily or taking drugs – it may be awkward. I mean, you’ve only been intimate a dozen times or so… slow down already.

4. The Friend With Benefits.
This is the first stage when you actually matter to the person more than any other slab of meat would. You put in the time and effort, your liver has certainly paid for it and it is now time to finally get to know the person you’ve been having sex with all this time.
Talking is recommended, but beware of throwing any romance into the mix. You’re friends. Not lovers. Keep all the lovey-dovey romance stuff to yourself and, whatever you do, do not look him/her in the eyes when in the midst of coitus. When you’re done, finish with a firm handshake or a high five.

5. The Date.
Not sure how you did it – most never make it this far – but you did it… you are now going on your first official date. You’re not yet “dating” in the traditional sense, but you are going on dates.
I understand this can be confusing, but what about this process isn’t? The first couple of dates are crucial as they will decide whether or not you will be moving forward to the following stages or if the two of you will be “too busy” to see each other in coming weeks.
This is one of the trickiest stages as often it can lead to being bumped up a few stages ahead of schedule. Or, as I have already mentioned, it could be the end of the road.

6. The Fling.
After a couple of dates, it turns out that you aren’t really interested in each other. You enjoy sleeping with each other and even enjoy each other’s company, but you can’t see yourself together in the long run.
The feeling is mutual – you both know that whatever it is that the two of you have going on won’t last very long, but you decide that you want to have fun while it does. Flings are fun and usually harmless. However, this stage can look a lot like stage seven: the stepping-stone.

7. The Stepping-Stone.
This stage is like the fling stage with one critical difference: Only one of you knows that the relationship won’t last. While you might be beginning to consider the other a real partner, the other thinks of you as a means of getting into someone else’s pants.
Well, maybe not exactly a means of getting there, but a comfortable resting area while you look for a better watering hole. You like the sex and you even like the person you’re having sex with… you just don’t want to be with him/her for the long haul.
You consider this person a necessary stepping-stone before you can settle with the right person – or he/she considers you as such. One of you is going to get hurt after this process… but you may have skipped it entirely and moved on to stage 8.

8. The Backup.
You have now been dubbed – or vice versa – good enough to be with. Unfortunately, you’re not good enough to be with right now. You’re good enough to keep around in case things don’t work out with anyone else, but to date you, really date you, at the moment would be silly.
These sorts of relationships get incredibly complicated, neither party really knowing what is going on as neither wants to completely let go.
The good news is, you have a safety net to fall on in case nothing else works out. Or at least you do at the moment. No one wants to be a backup indefinitely.

9. The Boyfriend/Girlfriend.
Wow. I mean, seriously. You should be proud of yourself. Making it all the way to official status in our day and age is impressive – well done. You can now throw on the romance and allow yourself to finally have feelings for the individual.
You can start to be yourself and begin to actually care for the person you have been “intimate” with for oh-so very long. The only thing that you should keep in mind is that getting here doesn’t guarantee that you graduate from the dating scene to marital status.
In fact, most relationships of such caliber fail miserably. But cheer up! You can at least update your Facebook status and make all your friends jealous!

10. Lost In Translation.
This isn’t so much a stage as it is the platform holding all these stages. In this day and age just about everything gets lost in translation, but mostly because there is very little communication to actually translate.

Most people keep themselves closed off and sheltered, regardless of how intimate they’ve become with another person. Everybody is afraid to get hurt and afraid of possibly, inadvertently, giving up the opportunity to get into someone better’s pants.
Most of the time you won’t know what stage you’re in, were in or are headed to. You won’t be sure if the person cares about you or is only using you for amusement. The theory is that, with time, you’ll either find someone who won’t take you down this road.

Maybe it will come with maturity. Maybe you won’t be alone forever. Or maybe you’ll get to run through these stages for the rest of your life. No one knows! That’s half the fun!

Originally appeared at Elite Daily

Trick or Treat? (Part I)


Life: Between the lines:

No better way to put it. Well done!

“Finally, I understood—
It didn’t matter if he tricked me.
It didn’t matter if he never wanted to taste a single treat. What mattered,
was my love for him was my own, it was the treat he couldn’t trick or taint.
Whether he received, or gave it back, was of no matter,
because the only one who could taste its worth, was me.”

Originally posted on Coco J. Ginger Says:

Once upon a time, I knew a boy who thought every night was Halloween, and yet, had never been given or even tasted a treat.
One night near midnight, he knocked on my door, “Trick or Trick?
I laughed, “How about a treat?
Nervously, he looked at my treats, then closed his eyes. He had never been offered a treat. He didn’t understand—he thought I was tricking him. 

View original 266 more words

How I became a trick, a joke, his clown!


image

Most tricks won’t admit they were tricked or are tricks. Most tricks are usually played by hoes, whether male or female who study human behavior, read books on how to make people do whatever they want, without giving much in turn. They are not necessarily the hottest one on the block but they believe they are. They act like they are the most prized possession you wish to own. And you believe them.

Hoes/players are usually people on the come up who ride on insecurities and the power of pussy, dick and promises. They ride on your hopes darling. Maybe you would not admit to it, or maybe you have yet to be tricked, played for a fool, but I have.

I was a willing trick because I was picked at the right time. A player is usually smart. He invests time in the game. He studies you, learns what you are into so he can get close to you. He dangles what you want most like the forbidden fruit so you can give him what he needs. Usually, that is material goods or pussy. The basic player does it for the thrill of the catch, but the smart player does it for the cash, for lifestyle enhancement.

There are books out there that will tell you more, even train you on how to get tricks and sponsors. But, this is about looking at the woman in the mirror, how I became a trick.

The guy I would give the world to on a platter hit me at the right time, when I was feeling vulnerable and ending my marriage. We bonded over pain about our recent breakups. We spent hours in the beginning, in long conversations. He made himself vulnerable to me by opening up about his past, issues with his mother, and sharing his future goals with me. All that is game that the smart player has in his arsenal to make you care. He is pulling you in so you can look at him like someone you wish to protect, care for or help in achieving his goals.

image

I was new to this dating world and unaware of all the games out there. Most of all, I identified with the man’s struggles. He managed to make me feel the impact his family life had on him, and how the wretched ex-fiancée had hurt him. She hurt him to the point that he lost all heart and hope in relationships. I felt for him. Ah! The agony! Despite going through my own issues, or being a newly divorced mother with two kids, I cared more about his pain than my own.

My road to being tricked started when I was at my most vulnerable. I needed to escape my reality, to run from my losses. I was losing my marriage. I lost my friends. I was filled with uncertainties, but he was skilled at picking up on these things. I wasn’t his first and probably not the last. I immersed myself in his pain to run away from my own. I gave him what I wished someone would give me: time, care, love and what he needed from me the most, money. I was projecting like crazy and he was reaping the benefits.

I was ordering food for him and his boys. I would deposit money on his account when he asked and would shell out what he said he needed to fulfill his dream. I would be paying for airplane tickets, hotel rooms all the while he was taking other women out with my money, feeding his addiction as If I didn’t know. I saw him clearly and loved him just the same. I was asked to pay phone bills for business, though it was to pay long distance calls to the next trick. The man had passion that I bought into. I remembered those times when I used to walk 10 miles to University because I had no money to take the bus, but I had a dream, a goal. I remembered spending days at school, hungry and no money to eat, no one to turn to. So, when my player whom I cared about would tell me about his hardship, I had no problem helping him. I could relate to the brother. And I wanted to help a brother improve his state in life. I was that ride and die chick without a theme song to the rescue. Or maybe I had a song “(move bitch, get out-of-the-way, get out the way), insert Luda here. I was standing by my man. After all, he did proclaim he loved me. I still have the emails to remind me that I didn’t make all that up.
image

The irony however is that I knew about his other tricks too. I knew he mainly went for older women, single, presumably lonely, single mothers with self-esteem issues. Some paid the rent, others bought furniture but many, like me deposited money in his account, we were sponsors and tricks for dick?, attention?, Love?, Commitment?!!! On the surface, possibly! Every trick has a reason, a weakness that a smart player picked up and uses to his advantage. Most of all, tricks can’t be cheapskates. Cheap people can’t be tricked easily as they make players work too hard, so the player moves on to an easier target. See, there can be positives to being cheap. But if you look deep enough, it was a combination of insecurity, vulnerability, need, wants combined with a cold, heartless man who kept his eyes on the prize, to get paid or laid, how gets turned into a trick.

His game was tight. He didn’t sleep with most of us either. Some, he would straight up call them sluts, yet would still keep on giving. He rationed the dick. I recall him jokingly stating that he doesn’t sleep with women more than three times, then he’s out. That is why he mostly tricked people who lived out-of-state. It is easier to get more for less when she has limited access. He built on enticement, the promises of commitment, of a future, of having him to call your own, of being that one woman who would help him heal from his past. We want to be saviors. Women eat that up like Popsicle on a summer day.

I believed in him. I believed that this man could make anything happen. I loved his passion, his drive and I wanted him to succeed. He was just going through some tough time and needed help, that’s all. So I gave, of my time, of my heart, of my children’s money. At the time, I did not see it that way, how I was wasting my children’s monies. A player sometimes may not even be the best you’ve had, but he makes you feel that you matter, to him, that you’re important, that without you, he can’t be that better man or reach where he wants to get to. That’s part of the game plan my dear!

Most players fall sometimes or maybe tricks wake up when they’re ready or are meant to learn their lesson though. In helping him, I was helping myself. I used to cry when I had nothing to eat, no money and couldn’t ask anyone for help. And I made a promise then, that when I made it, when I could help someone else, I would. I was a trick, not because of dick or his game. I saw myself, my struggle in this man. I could relate to him. I relived my issues with never having someone who had my back, the many men I slept with who never gave me much, or stood by me. I didn’t want to be like those men, aware things were hard for me but never helping me. So I cared and loved with my money but my money was all there was to me. He showed his cards when he went against his own words. See, a player has his own motto and standards. He will tell you, so you best listen. My player lives by one mighty code, his only code of honor. When he broke that code, I knew the purse strings would close. It wasn’t even about the money for me. There were times I was with other people and I would still send money to the homie. I could have kept on doing so even if we hadn’t been sleeping together. Because I believed in him. I loved him lock, stock and barrel even with all his games. But dude broke his code.

If a man can break his own code of honor, he stands for nothing at all.

I was never a trick before then. He made me though, got me at the right time. I still give to those I love and believe in. That’s a promise I made to myself but not the way I spoiled the kid. A giver knows what it feels like not to have much, so we give, to lighten others’ load, the most we can.

Though I always knew homie made me one of his tricks, I really loved that kid. And true love, gives. I spent years hoping he would change. He would grow out of the lifestyle and be like me. Laughable right? Here I was, not getting much from no one, yet wanting him to be like me, when all his bills were getting paid!! Players, hoes are heartless people and don’t respect you. That is why they can do what they do without remorse. After all, they didn’t force you did they? You’re grown, you should know how you want to be treated and what you expect from a man, right?

I never asked a man for money. My daddy taught me better. Pride will kill me someday. Pride, honor, integrity, self-respect matter to me. Some of us still respect those and hold them dear. But that’s why men don’t give me anything. I don’t and will never ask. Those who love will naturally give. Money matters, it is very important but I respect how hard people work for their money more. I have been with a few men with money, cheap as hell usually. Most people with money are cheap. That’s how they keep it, unless you make them feel they’re getting their money’s worth. Most tricks don’t. You’re made to believe you will but never really do. I could have used ho tactics to get paid. It isn’t as if I didn’t read the books like most players have. I just love myself too much, in a different way. I am proud to say I made it on my own, that I did not use any man to get to where I am, that my degree, my house, my car aren’t covered by a man’s tears and pain or his children’s college tuition. We can use each other, but I will not use people to get ahead. Every day, I face that woman in the mirror and am proud of her.

I couldn’t be a player. I hate games. Most of all, I respect humanity. I respect people and cherish a heart that cares. Men hurt me so badly that I wanted to literally kill a few of them. I could be a murderer and probably in jail by now. I know what feeling used and being used feels like. It is not in me. Only cold-hearted people play with others’emotions to get what they want. Demons do that. Filled with poison, they spread venom into people’s lives. Cruel isn’t it? And yes, there are those out there waiting for you to be at your weakest to ride you bare. They don’t give a damn about you!

And I’m not cold. I’m hot stuff. I am fire, I’m furnace and inferno. ;-)

Yeah! Don’t be like me. Don’t be a trick for love. Face yourself. Face your issues. Know your weaknesses. Embrace them. Learn from them and remember, men are after you for one reason: to get. Just make sure you get something out of it too. Otherwise, you’re just a trick or a treat or a joke or a clown or a sponsor.

Ha! Don’t listen to me. Who am I? Just a trick right? Nobody but a trick. You know that will never be you, cause you’re better than me, RIGHT? Do you, aight!?!😜😝

Happy Thursday y’all. Des baisers, partout!

High standards: fast road to lonely


image

I’ll tell you what no one, or book will tell you. Maybe there’s a book somewhere discussing one of the side effects of high standards, but I haven’t heard about it. Or possibly, it does exist but women won’t read it because we want to stay in lala land.

You will find books or come across blogs like mine trying to help you protect yourself from heartbreak, trying to teach you how to handle the users who come your way or how to get over someone you loved but saw you as “pussy” or his “bottom bitch”. Hardly will you come across the end result of raising your standards.

We know. After the few months of him falling over himself to get us in bed, we know when the sun has set. We start to feel all that is missing and start asking for what we want. That’s the revelation phase, when we start to realize we are just “pussy”. All the time he spent so he could get to “pussy.” We are nothing more than a hole he wants to get into. He may send flowers or not. He may spend time in conversations or not but treating us consistently as the woman he loves and admires, giving you real girlfriend benefits? Hardly! We also know and that may take a while, because it took me years to realize, when we are his bottom bitch. That’s his ride or die kinda woman, the one he runs to when he can’t pay his phone bills, when he needs financial backing for his dreams, when he needs arms to hold him or a boost in self-confidence, when he may be missing his mother even. You’re that Oedipus complex woman. You may not be older than he is but usually either are more financially stable, or nurturing or very giving with your time and money, after you bought into the idea that being a ride and die chick shows you’re wifey material, a good woman.

image

But let me tell you, raising your standards, or getting some, loving yourself to the point where you will do everything to stop any man from leading you to heartbreak land will not suddenly bring you the man you deserve. What you will find most often is you, sitting at a table with lonely, more often than you can say, “hope”. We are not prepared for lonely. We aren’t told to expect lonely so how do we deal with lonely?

Raising your standards and loving yourself will not get you a man right quick. It may take a while or not at all. Men will play on that as well. Prepare yourself. Those guys who are playing games aren’t yet men themselves. And just because you got some standards or raised them, doesn’t mean they will suddenly man up. The same way it took you years to see how your actions allowed men to use and hurt you, they too, will need to face who they are before they can own up and change. I must tell you, that is harder for many men, as there are so many of us women lying to ourselves, constantly falling over them, out of “love”. They don’t have to man up, own up or grow up to get what they want more than anything in this world besides the air they breathe: pussy and power. Nowadays, men do the least yet still get our most and best. It is our fault. Power over pussy is gasoline to the male’s ego especially if he has nothing else to show for his years.

Don’t allow men to run game on you! And the easiest way he can do that is when you lie to yourself. One of the greatest lies is that having high standards will lead you to a man, a real man, who is ready and willing to love you and settle down with you.

But if you look around, you will notice that the women with standards tend to be single for a very long time. And singleness leads to loneliness but no one will tell you that either. It is bravado. No one wants to come across weak or needy. People wish to paint happy pictures so the world wouldn’t see them at their worst. Lonely is the pits but lonely won’t kill you. Lonely is a transient.

Once you know that lonely is a yield sign and not a full stop, you can keep going. It will come, but it will also go away. I don’t know how many times I have wanted to go out with a date, do what most couples do together, like catch a movie or come home and talk with someone about my day, or ask “my” man about his opinions on weighty matters or just need someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright or I am wonderful. I don’t know how many times, I want to make love or go dance under the moonlight with a man of my own. And the many times, I wish I had a partner to fix things that I am not able to or sit across from me at a restaurant for conversations. Those moments are few but poignant. The wave of loneliness comes unexpectedly and you can drown in those sorrows if you let it overwhelm you. I must state, it is okay to want a man but a man won’t save you from you or your circumstances. Don’t yearn for a savior!

image

And then you remember the pain, the pain of being used, the dehumanizing ways men treated you in the past and you swim against that current. Loneliness isn’t the end of you, the same way that standards won’t bring forth a real good man into your life. What standards do is protect you, from pain. They make you confront your weaknesses, fight against them and hold out for more, for better, for who uplifts you and not demean you. High standards don’t guarantee happily ever after my dear!

There will be days when that fall back guy, who played push and pull with you, toying with you would come around sniffling. There will be those who call saying they can’t forget about you, when they had no time for you in the past or those who won’t let go of their present situation, placing you on the back burner will want to bring you out to play. They would seem as options to loneliness. And some fall for these men and their games, over and over again. They will come around they always do. Men are too lazy to chase new pussy when they are faced with loneliness or stress. Many won’t give up the comfort of a bottom bitch when she’s too weak to ask more for herself, so come, they will. They will roam around, pop out of the woodworks, offering nothing but hope, stringing romantic fantasies to get to “pussy”. I don’t say you, because you would start to believe you matter, that you’re something and are important to them. You’re not. You’re just a pussy like any other pussy despite believing you’re more than that.

The only way you’re not pussy to a man is when you raise your standards and ask for what you want. You don’t listen to words and promises. You don’t go on emotions. You wait for actions, for follow-through motions. You demand respect, openness, vulnerability and intimacy. You don’t accept excuses and you wait for him to man up, to his actions, to who he is, what he is doing with you, to you, daily, continuously, consistently. If a man is consistently inconsistent, that counts too. He is telling you, you are “pussy” and he’s not yet a man, the man who is ready for commitment.

It is okay to say you’re lonely. People experience loneliness, single or not. Loneliness isn’t a disease you must run out and cure, with the latest band-aid a man, who is not willing to do right by you, offers. Close your legs, don’t pick up the calls. Don’t reply to the texts, your past has nothing to say to you besides: “remember the pain.”

High standards lead to loneliness, long-lasting singleness oftentimes than not. Be prepared. Standards are there to break your fall. When you’re at your weakest and feeling lonely, when everything is dark and the predator comes with a candle, standards keep you. Having standards is about self-preservation but most of all love, self-love. After all, who else is there to protect you and carry you but you?

Happy hump day dear readers!

Bisous!

Someone once said: “until all women raise their standards, many women will get played and men won’t raise theirs.” He was right