What your doctor wishes she could tell you!

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What your provider wishes he could tell you!

This has been on my mind for so long and I gave it much thought before publishing it. Despite the doubt in posting it, I felt I must. The reason is that it is really good information that everyone should be aware of but most people won’t learn anywhere else.

As a provider hi the healthcare, a practitioner for over a decade, my job is important to me. I love what I do. Most of us go into healthcare because we want to help people. Helping people makes us feel good. If you have been keeping up with the system, you will learn that many of us spend years in school, leave with so much debt that the lifestyle you imagine we are having is practically non-existent. Many of us after more than 8 years of schooling will not start out with a six figure salary. It may take close to a five more years before we get there. And when we do, if we do, depending on our specialty, between loan repayment and insurance coverage that is mandatory as providers, we don’t have that much compared to someone who did not spend all these years in school.

Many of us are held to several codes of ethics. The first is written by the governing body of our field, usually an association or governing body that we have to pay to belong to yearly, then another from the State where we are licensed and one written by the powers that be at the facility we work at as well as the moral/legal codes that we hope every decent human being possesses or was raised to follow.

All of these in addition to the patient’s bill of rights have been written to protect you, the patient. So, you are mostly safe under your provider’ scare. Have there been exceptions when people will make mistake or forget the codes? Yes. Have there been times when people voluntarily do the wrong thing at your expense or out of greed or need for recognition? Yes. These, are far and few. From the general practitioner to the sub-specialist, there are fewer who do harm. Why? Because our healthcare system, your healthcare is regulated, overseen by so many people who don’t wish to either lose their license, the insurance contracts and your business.

It is great that you are protected but there are other things that you, the patient needs to learn to make certain you will get the best care possible, especially as an out-patient. I am referring to out-patient services here.

What do you need to learn? The best clinic visit starts from the moment you have your first symptom. It does not start in our office. You the patient have an issue. What do you do? Let me list the ways you could make it easier for us to diagnose or help you as well as make your visit more pleasant and informative.

1- You are having a persistent issue. Please write the date, the time, how long it lasted, what you were doing, what you think may have triggered it. If this is the umpteenth time, try to remember the very first episode.

2- Get on your insurance company’s side and find the list of doctors you are allowed to see. Too many patients come to my office unknowing about their plan. You need to know if your insurance will pay for the visit or not. Research your provider online or with the insurance company about complaints or past issues if any.

3- Call the provider’s office. Inquire about their specialty. Make the appointment on a day and time that best suits your schedule. Write the name of the person you spoke with and the time. If possible, ask them to mail or email registration forms to your house. You can then have plenty of time to read them, review them, call the office for answers if you don’t understand the questions or ask for assistance at home.

4- Most offices will call you to confirm the appointment. Once you confirm, please show up. And show up on time. If you are taking the day off for that appointment, don’t attend to other things that infringe on that appointment. Late patients mess up our schedules. Patients who do not show up, especially after confirming the day before are even worst. Someone else could have had that slot. If we don’t see patients, we can’t pay our bills. Time is money, even in healthcare. Do not show up an hour or two in advance expecting to be seen. It is at the provider’s discretion whether that may occur or not. Understand that. If we squeeze you in between other patients, do not linger in the room. Make it as expedient as possible. Courtesy demands courtesy.

If you are going to be late (a dire emergency), please call the office ASAP. DO NOT say you’re 5 minutes away when you have NOT left your house yet. Give the exact location so we can work you into the schedule. Most appointments have their own set time. Lateness, any lateness messes up the schedule and we are left with angry people who will blame none other than the provider when the patients are 99.98% the cause of a lengthy schedule. Many providers do overbook (mostly due to high rate of no-show patients or simply because they want to keep their “best, aka, nicest or the really sick ones happy” known as good patient care). In some specialties, we can’t do that, especially if we must run some tests on our patients. Certain tests take minutes and others hours.

5- Be courteous with our staff, from the front staff to the back, including your provider. We all deserve to be treated with respect. Just because your insurance (usually a measly amount, trust me on that one) is paying or you are paying gives you no right to be rude or overly demanding. As in everything, the nicest patients will be taken care of in the best way. Most people will go out of their way to help a nice person. Being nasty and demanding may get things done but notes are written in your chart and everyone knows you are a time bomb. No one will try to accommodate you sooner or earlier if you are known to be nasty and rude. That includes cursing. I have had to see patients, per company guidelines who have cursed at me, used foul language and it is not a good situation for anyone involve.

Make sure you use the restroom before you enter the exam room. I’m often left standing waiting on the next patient who is using the restroom (or with a child who is NOt being seen that day) the exact time that I am ready to see them.

6- Take time to clean up. We have spray in every office due to how unclean people can be. Wipe your hands. Do not bring food to the waiting area. Do not be overly loud. Clean up after yourselves. If you bring children who need to be changed, leave with the diaper. Do not leave it in the small restroom we all will share after you leave.

Clean the area that will be examined by your physician. Sometimes I have to wipe and clean them myself before I am able to examine the patient.

If you have an appointment, do not bring more than one person with you. Some people are known to come with their entire family, with greasy food, soda and sit in the waiting area (usually not enough chairs for them all) and scaring the other patients.

7- Do bring a legal piece of identification. Medicaid fraud has occurred where people come under other people’s names for care. Protect yourself. Bring your insurance card with you, an updated one. Make sure the numbers and address match on the card to the one in the system. Co-pays are a MUST. It is illegal for us to see a patient and waive the co-pay. Each visit has its own set of guidelines. Some warrant a co-pay and others don’t.

8- When you enter my office, I MUST go over many questions with you that are MANDATED by any and all these corporations I mentioned earlier. Give your practitioner a chance to ask them all. At certain companies, we are given hell if these questions are left unanswered. They help with your diagnosis.

As an aside, a sign of a good, well-trained provider is one who does go over the questionnaire with you (if a nurse hasn’t) in depth, to cover the timeline of the issue etc. The provider should also inquire whether you had other things to add that were not on the questionnaire (that is when your notes come into play). Once your examination is done, she should explain the findings, tell you what the next step is and why. She must give you a chance to ask questions. If she doesn’t have the answer at least tell you where you can find them.

Every provider does not know everything. Just because someone is a physician doesn’t make him a know-it-all. If you’re there to see your dentist, don’t ask about the pain in your gut. Know the specialty, what the provider can or can’t do in advance.

9 – Do not expect copies of your results the same day. It is at the provider’s discretion or possibly some company’s guidelines as to how and when you cN expect copies of your chart or reports. This is why you must take notes when the provider is reviewing the findings with you. Most offices have a 48 hour turn-around time.

One of THE most time consuming part of my day is having patients come without a family member and wanting for me to call their children or mother or spouse to explain everything I just told them. Sometimes, they stay in the waiting room, calling that person and have me take time from another patient to attend to the phone.

If a family member’s opinion is important in your care, please make sure to have them come to the visit with you. If they can’t, please tell us in advance so we can add extra time to call them for you. This is why many providers are starting to charge for phone and email consultations. Time is money and this for EVERYONE.

Also, YOU are our patient, not the third party. If they are going to be rude and disrespectful, we can deny them access to our staff.

10- Do not bring cookies or whatever goods you want to give. We are left at a loss as to what to do. Most companies don’t want us to accept anything from our patients. Many will end up throwing them away. Many may feel that you are bribing them as well and you may expect preferential treatment.

There are probably more, but these are the key points that my co-workers and I experience often at the office. You want a great visit and to be treated with care. So do we. We want you to leave our office and rave about the care you receive from us and hope you’d send more referrals our way as well. But, as in many relationships, each side has to play their part.

Be patient. Be understanding, your provider, the front staff, they are people just like you. And if you can’t remember any of this, remember what my mother told me when I decided to “help” people. “Honey, whenever a patient is getting to you, look at them and think that I could be them. Treat all your patients as you would treat me,”

Toodles!!! And happy hump day!

Dear atheist friend,

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I call you friend because of all that you are. I love you, not solely because the God I serve that you don’t believe in tells me I must but because I know the power of love and how important it is to each and everyone of us.

I don’t see you as an atheist which you make sure to tell me each time we talk, but as the sum of who you are. I sat at your table and we ate together. We shared stories about our children, and spoke for the past couple of years about life and everything it covers.

However, in the past few months you have defined me by one thing, “your hatred” of religious beliefs and your strong disregard for those who believe in God.” You stopped seeing me as a person but have made me responsible for every vile thing, from slavery, to the war in Gaza, for anti-gay sentiments, to women’s rights for abortions. You have taken every headline about Christians and have me carry the cross. I don’t even know these people nor do I embrace every so called religious tenet, but you’ve never asked me about my faith, have you? Isn’t that discrimination? Not one did you ask me why I believe in God, how my faith fulfills me! In one breath you’ll call me one of the smartest women you have known and the next, the stupidest for believing in God. You have on so many occasions wanted to talk “logically” about the existence of God and humanity’s need for “religious” beliefs. Maybe, maybe if my faith in God wasn’t what holds me together I could philosophize with you. Maybe, maybe if the personal experiences I have had through practicing my faith, had not molded me into that “kind, sweet, giving and loving woman” you claimed I am, I could go ad nauseam about my faith with you. If you can’t see how my faith makes me a better person, a different person, you are blinded by hatred. That’s the only testimony I have; the way I am. I have nothing else to say and will not, because there is one answer that logic dictates which is that faith is in things hoped for, yet unseen, that faith, God changes every fiber for the better and the common good of humanity. How can I explain when you can’t comprehend the worldly definition? How can I discuss soul and spirit with you when you live in the physical/material world? Our worlds have different languages and expressions. Until you are able to speak a soul language, we will be lost in translation.

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You may not respect my religious affiliation or belief, you may not respect God as you feel he doesn’t exist, but respecting me enough to not insult me by calling me: stupid, white people lover (because Christianity is white people’s religion), or stating that raising my kids to believe in God is child abuse and that religious people should be sent to mental facilities) is inexcusable. Don’t you think?

You are exactly what you hate. The way you feel Christians, religious folks try to impose their beliefs on others, you are doing the same thing to each of your Christian friends. So my dear, you proved my point. This isn’t about God but about people. We embody the good and bad in this world. Don’t blame God, start with self. In so doing, you will see everyone like yourself. You are no different than the ones you resent. Look into the actions of others, love is what changes things. You want to know if God exists, look where love resides, that is where God lives. God is love! There is one biblical definition of religion and that I follow (if you cared enough to ask) which is to be there for children and widows, visit them and care for them. If you are against that and think it a white man’s religion, I want no part of the black man’s religion and stick with love, kindness.

Your issues aren’t with me but with the concepts you hold about others’ concepts. We are all humans and bound to disagree. You are now a bully, tormenting every single Christian friend you have, insulting them on social media, calling them names and trying to browbeat us all into silence.

I stand in hope that you will learn to treat others the same way that you claim you want to be treated and allow me as well as others (same way you fight for gay rights) to live and believe however suits us and take your issues to the voting booth. We are all entitled to define that one life we do have.

Sincerely and with love,

Your Christian friend!

Shalom!

In turpitude, stand your ground!

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There are dark days and dark nights, what blinds is the darkest plight. There are many, near are far, whether you wish to listen to the stories or not, terror reigns. Children are killed. Atrocities as of days of yore, abound.

First came the pictures from Palestine, bombs that crashed into homes and burned dreams. Parents are crying. Everyone is in the right. Not many are leaving. People point fingers left and right. Who is wrong? What is right? So many years, the same thing. There is no peace, never will there be. That’s the way it’s been and the way it will always be. Humans want to win. People fight to be on top, no matter how many they leave weeping.

But what if it was you? What if you signed into this war because you wanted to serve your country or you must, as the law states, what would you do?

Look, water, water everywhere. Iced water on brown skin, white skin, young and old, rich and poor. This for a good cause. Many are smiling. They are giving. The sick has hope. Then they came, the naysayers, the angry ones arguing, pointing those fingers. What waste!!! Pictures of children in Third world countries are brandished on social media. They need water. Don’t waste water! You are inconsiderate! This from people who probably never donated a dime for clean water. They are upset. Things shouldn’t go that way, only their way.

But, who needs healing? Who gets to be saved? ALS is a white man’s disease, they say. This challenge is to take attention from more important issues, like Ferguson. It is to distract the black community. Who needs saving? ALS patients, about 30000 in this US of A, don’t they matter? Who matters the most? Black people or sick people? Thirsty children or those being bombed? Who, what takes precedence? The ALS challenge started mid July and they had no clue. Kid is shot early August. No one keeps track of facts. It is all about them, their way, their needs, their issues. Self! Self! Self!

But what if it was you? What if you had ALS and no hope? ALS, once diagnosed is usually a death sentence. Your life expectancy averages two to five years. Some are lucky and may last to ten years. But in what state! They are totally incapacitated. Few are even luckier where the disease reverses. ALS has however no racial, ethnic or socioeconomic boundaries, a fact unknown to the naysayers. ALS is a wasting disease where you slowly become imprisoned in your body and aren’t able to do anything for yourself, what some at the hospital used to refer to as “vegetable”. You are fully aware but unable to do or communicate. What if it was you?

But, what if it was you in Africa or wherever, needing clean water. Every 21 seconds, a child, in a third world country dies from water related illnesses, not necessarily a lack thereof as so many were obfuscated on.

And around August 9, right after a teenager was shot, unharmed, his hands up in the air, a city imploded. People were taking sides. Enough was enough! Years of slights and injustices that left brown skin, black skin angered citizens steaming exploded. And years of resentment and hatred by brown skin, white skin spewed out. People lining up, not looking for facts, right or wrong, only feeding on bottled up emotions. The media buying witnesses, lighting the fire of hatred. People, black people stopped trusting the system, a system that hardly gave them justice, where a brown, black person is more likely, more readily and harshly judged despite the facts. No one is listening. No one cares to listen but everyone wants to be heard.

What if it was you? Young teen, shot or if it were your child, what would you do? Is death ever justified? And what if you were that cop, transferred from a horrible district where crimes against the citizens, black citizens, by officers were so rampant that they shut down the department and here you are, your name on the internet all over the world, with people filled with so much hatred they want you dead. What would you do? What if it were you?

Palestine is on fire, people are dying. Sick people are looking for hope and others for justice. Everyone wants to be seen. No one is looking. And there, in a desert land, a man, a journalist, who believed in offering the facts no matter the cost. He had water. Circumstance set him on a course where he wouldn’t suffer many of the injustices of the world. He had a passion for truth and justice. He reportedly always felt that people living through atrocities needed a voice. He wanted to be the voice for the voiceless and give hope to the hopeless. Year, 2011 he gets captured and spends 44 days unknowing if he would be free. He was. He gave glory to God, one who seemed absent in these times of troubled waters. But he was troubled. He had to go back, if not the same place but somewhere else, to serve. He gets captured and lost his voice. He was brought forth before the world and had his throat cut off.

According to reports, the beheading took nine minutes.

9 minutes.

I can run more than one mile in 9 minutes. I can cook scrambled eggs, tie my laces, start my car or walk to the mailbox in 9 minutes.

Imagine a knife slicing you raw. If you’ve ever been cut you know how painful that is. Can you imagine having a knife piercing your throat for nine minutes?! What if that was you? I don’t know if it is due to shock but people aren’t saying much about that. What if that was you? He did not shed one tear even though he knew that was his last day. Sheol came calling and God was nowhere near. He followed his passion through the end. He had a look of defiance. I’m unsure whether I should respect the fact he read the statements or be upset that he did. Did he believe what he was saying? One could not tell. What if that was you?

And what if, you were on the other side of that knife? What do you believe in so strongly that you would kill for it, to promote or protect it? What if that was you? Could it be you?

We are living such harsh days but they happened before. The question isn’t why is the world so cruel and filled with injustice but what if these things happened to you or were about you?

We are here to make our mark on this world. Will we leave it better? How far will we go for our beliefs or passion? Would we traipse on others’ rights just because we believe we are right?

I really don’t know. Some may think I’m crazy, but of all these events, my soul is shaken most by James Foley. My mind is in splinters. Racism isn’t going anywhere. I live with it daily and maybe that is why I’m not bothered by it. Somehow, I do understand it. Many blacks are as racists. Given the chance, many may do the same as was done to them. That is human nature. We tend not to respect and appreciate what we don’t understand or resent. I am saddened more than angry by racism. And with Palestine, whether one wants to agree or not, it is written. Atheists may disagree but read the account and you shall see. It is written.

What is becoming clearer through all these events is how strong the impact of one’s beliefs, convictions have on us and those around us. And that can be far reaching. A city is close to civil war due to one man’s act. A president is being blamed due to another man’s convictions and things can get even worse from then on because of them. And from one lone guy on youtube, more than 60 million of dollars was raised in close to one month! We are powerful beyond measure, our choices matter, each and everyone of them and they will affect not only ourselves but many more.

We are the sum of our beliefs. They define us and how we relate to others. They help us float on the waves of troubled waters or at times, they lead us to the mouth of the current. The irony though, inside each one of us, there lives: a perpetrator, a martyr and a hero.

RIP JAMES FOLEY, I hope when time comes for me to stand for what I believe in, I will not bow down, that I would stand my ground and suffer the consequences of my convictions!

Happy Tuesday y’all!

Are you a good catch?

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Are you?

Throughout the years, I had many responses to that question. And that is the thing about living, life; change occurs. For now, my answer has shifted. I used to think the inquisitive person was referring to me and what I had to offer. When really, that is not the case.

Every single person has something to offer. As such, everyone is a good catch. It is about the offering but more so the value of the offering and the needs of the person, the offer is being presented to.

Value is related to need as well as attainment as well as the road the seeker took to it and so on. So, no matter what I or you have to offer, it has to be worth something to the receiver for them to attribute value to it. This, as much as it pertains to relationships.

I’ve learned a few things about relationships. One of which is that the one you’re with must have something to offer that is valuable to you. This is why relationships aren’t truly about love as much as they are about complementing one another. No matter how beautiful or smart or sweet or kind or how in love you are with someone, if they are not getting from you something they value, they won’t appreciate you enough to work hard at keeping you around or the relationship going.

No. It is not selfish to ask and look for someone who gives to us. Maybe it is, but life is about being selfish. Without self in it, living as we know it is nothing. Many of us say we want or are seeking “love”. You know, that one person to love and love us, that “soulmate” (don’t believe in those either if you care to know).

That is not true.

We are not seeking love. We are searching for someone to meet our needs. It is therefore, an imperative to define what they are. Sometimes, we may end up with something that never crossed our minds, either due to unknowing but mainly due to a lack of self-analysis. To have amazing, good, solid working relationships, we must know ourselves, what we want. No. We can’t demand that others give them to us, but we can and should be completely honest with them as to what they are. That will prevent time wasting on both sides. It will also lower the chance of someone getting hurt, feeling unwanted and unloved.

It is really not about me or you. Are you a good catch? Am I? Yes, yes, yes. I can also be a bad catch if you follow my train of thought. But, I am a good catch indeed, for the one who knows what he wants, what he is looking for and can value it when he finds it, in little old me.

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Shabbat shalom!!

Muchos besos a todos!

Sex with me

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Into my womb they wish to rest but within their homes, I lay no steps.

I’ve been telling my friends, well because they know me and all, about my upcoming anniversary. Those who know me understand how liberal I am when it comes to sex. They know that sex to me is a physical need like stretching to stay flexible. I am able and have separated sex from love. Sex is physical and love is more than beads of sweat a few times a week.

My friends are amazed. I’m sure a few are even doubtful. I am celebrating my one year of celibacy since my divorce. When I first got divorced about seven years ago, I read and heard about the “going wild” period. The time when you stay open literally and figuratively, but I didn’t think it applied to me. Whoever does! Most of us often think ourselves to be different and above the rest. From that time hence, I dated and had sex. Some lovely, others not so lovely with a few but not so many and never more than one at a time. The initial years were about meeting new people, learning about intimate differences. Then, it became about learning what I liked. I didn’t marry young but married straight out of a Christian home, a Haitian one at that! It meant: lack of experiences and knowledge, particularly self-knowledge. I followed the path. It was school, church, get married, have kids, buy the house. The end. We didn’t know anyone who was divorced, at least in our close circle. We knew people who had kids by accident, meaning out of wedlock but never a divorcee. What do you do with those? If there were, it wasn’t a topic of conversation.

And now I get divorced! You know, always the weird one, doing some crazy thing. My mother spells the end of me. I am going to hell and my sister says I’m a whore. This translates into having sex with more than one person in a lifetime. What do you do when you’ve been told you’re dead and done with, and are nothing? Well, f you’re me, you live it up. Those years taught me more than I cared to learn about myself, why I got married, why my marriage failed, who he was, what I wanted and how horrible the male specie truly is. I swear, if someone has a good decent man, you better put him in a fort and lock that key. Don’t let anyone near him! A decent guy with decent values, has integrity, is kind, giving, open, honest, supportive, faithful and loyal is nearly inexistent.

There is no better way to know a lot about the male specie than when he knows you’re not looking to tie him down. He is not tip-toeing around you. He tells you the truth.

There are some men, the truth they know not, breathe not and speak not. I was with two men with narcissistic personality disorders. I had no idea this existed and suffered greatly, especially with the first one. By the second one, I had learned the signs. I watched for the way he treated me; hw he never followed up on promises, how he would disappear and keep me at bay, how he made me feel bad about myself, how he would never be there for me, emotionally, physically unless in some way he could benefit from it.

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In all these years, I learned the most important lesson, which is to give of myself to those who show appreciation, who do not only say they appreciate me, but can show signs of affection. They must reliably and consistently be there for me. I was too gullible. Hey! That Christian background again. I was naive. I was honest, too honest and too open, giving intimacy when their doors were locked, opening my home and myself to people who did not know or weren’t willing to give in kind. They had no sense of reciprocity. They were takers. They took of me,  my peace, y heart and my life. They had not a present to invest, but kept on promising tomorrow, which wasn’t theirs to give. They rode on hope and wrung it around my neck ’till it drained the air that I breathed. Yes, I offered but they pleaded and promised. It took two for the lessons to be taught. Credit goes to both, the abusers as well as the abused. I won’t say victim. I’m uncomfortable with that term of late.

Yes, one year! One full year when I said enough of the lies and the games and the tormenting! One full year of peace where I wasn’t being treated by some user like I’m stupid, or foolish, constantly being taken in by some outlandish, made up story with someone who had nothing to give, jumping between the ex, and a few others at once. If you’ve been reading my blog these past few years, you can also attest that it is less sad and less angry than before. Sex can do that, knock you out. Sex is great I assure you but be careful who you share it with. There are emotional vultures out there, not just physical abusers.  Make sure they cherish the gift that you are. They don’t have to love you but they must at least respect, cherish and honor you! It is not for me to change others. I can only change me. And this new me is extremely guarded, with everyone and everything. Maybe it is a bad thing, but I’m better for it. Now, I’m more at peace and happy. Life is after all about happiness and celibacy has given me that and so much more.

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Here’s to once upon a moment!!

Shalom!

I forgot how to be soft

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I had this “aha” moment today. It hit me hard, so hard that I was crying like a baby.

No man is going to fix you. No man is going to love a broken woman or spend time finding out why you are so broken. You need time to heal, discard the bad memories. They may not hurt you anymore but they changed you. They didn’t change you for the better either. You forgot who you used to be. You forgot the young woman who used to smile at silly jokes, who was able to take a joke as a joke. Your guards are up so high and the railings, in flames. You are not just guarded, but hard.

You are a hard woman, tough as nails, scraping knuckles that come knocking. Yes, you were hurt and the pain you carry inside comes as far as your childhood, from taunts by others who were mean and cruel to you. You learned to stand up for yourself, how to take a paunch and roll with a smile on your face. That was good, it protected the child that you were.

And love found you, with this one and that one who didn’t understand and so many who pulled the wool over your eyes, who stole your innocence, erased the tidbit of naïveté and good heart you were trying to hold on to. They used you. They played you. They blamed you. They made you feel small and stupid. They used you for your body and for your money as they lied, telling you they love you or worse, they blamed you for not being what they weren’t either or even tried to be.

You are a hard woman, so hard that you sense danger at every turn, always ready to defend your honor, integrity, pride, achievements, motherhood, children, work, decisions. You constantly play defense.

Why? Yes, no one ever stood up for you. No one ever fought for you or loved you enough to stand by you or stay to hold you. They just came to take and they took. They took everything you willingly gave because you cared, you loved too hard, too soon, too much, too deeply. They drained you of every inch of peace, and self-love. They took your trust away. They took your heart and your mind. Don’t let them take more and for longer than they stayed.

You stopped laughing from your toes, stopped managing your words, your tone. Is that the woman you want to be? Is this how you want your kids to remember you? You are filled with anger. The abuse that went too long because you were looking for feelings that did not exist, or could not comprehend that you were being used and played and mistreated and not appreciated, has left you so angry. At yourself. At the world. At these men. For your losses. For your innocence. For your heart. For your tears. For you. These men didn’t owe you protection. No one owes you protection.

But darling, don’t confuse strength with being hard. You have a heart encased in stone and do not mind how you speak. You speak truth like bullets and they do more harm than heal.

Don’t let those who hurt you win in the end! You may never be that woman again who took everyone at face value. You may never be the woman who could laugh from her toes to the tip of her hair but don’t be hard on those who open themselves to you, who show you their vulnerable selves. Be soft. Be feminine. Be kind. Be good, to everyone, even those who don’t do great things, who are unkind. Those things will happen sometimes. Not everyone is out to get you or harm you. Sometimes people make honest mistakes.

Be strong but flexible. Be wise but kind. Mind your tone. Mind your words. Everyone isn’t out to get you. Yes, you may know so many things but intent will always escape you. What shouldn’t, is the depth of who you are that should shine through in your interactions, in everything you do.

Remember today. Remember this moment. You hurt someone with your words. You may have been right but you didn’t have to do it this way. Others may have hurt you in the past and done things that crushed you wide shut, still, be soft. Don’t be a tool for pain as your abusers were, as those who cared not for you, for your heart were towards you. Don’t let them steal that side of you.

Please, be soft.

No one will care enough to help you mend, that’s your job, to patch your wounds as you heal. Don’t penalize them for it either. They don’t owe you that. And until you are fully healed and whole, you may hurt others in so doing. Don’t be that bundle of hurt.

Don’t lose yourself to someone who’s already gone! Mend!

“Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth.”
― Caitlyn Siehl

Irony is: this stands true whether they were good or bad to you if you’re an empath that is. Shalom!

What men taught me

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What men taught me!

If every bad experience is meant as a lesson I’ve managed to pick up quite a few from the men in my life. Many were lessons on who I am, what I want and who I want to become. They’ve also shown me where I wish to go, what kind of a person I want to be. Women couldn’t teach me these lessons as most of us are nurturers. As such, we are too in touch with our emotions causing us to second guess ourselves, a lot.

The most important lessons were:

1- My needs come first and are non negotiable
Women are taught to compromise. In our attempt to please, we forget about our own needs. We know how to bend and do so willingly, at the expense of our mental and emotional states. We come across as if we don’t matter, that we don’t have needs and that our focus should be on pleasuring others. We spend time learning what to do and how to do them so we can please those in our lives. Men don’t do that. They come in the way they are, take it or leave. They will parlay, tease, insinuate or demand until you adapt to them, their ways. Men don’t have any idea what compromise entails. Few, very few do or willingly want to.

2- Don’t apologize for who you are
Whatever it is that you are, whether good or bad, don’t ever let anyone tell you it is not acceptable. Have you ever heard a man speak ill of his beer belly or the horrible goatee that makes him look like a goat or his funny bushy eyebrows or nose hair or hairy ears that make anyone want to puke? No way. Not at all. Ever. Men don’t listen to ideas from magazines or radio, tv hosts telling them what is acceptable. They define what is acceptable.

3- When you walk away, don’t look back
When a man tells you he is done. He is done. He will not cry over letters. He will not save emails or text messages. He will not look back because it is over (maybe for sex, if that was good, if he is in between chicks. Sex is air to a man, nothing personal I assure you). He is done, just like the day he never knew your name, he is right back to that day. He probably will not even show up at your funeral. He doesn’t know you. Done. Nonexistent. End of story. I’ve embraced that lesson. The same way it is easy for a man to walk off into the sunset, uncaring how the break up will affect me, that’s the same way I handle closure. We are done. Who are you?

4- Women are replaceable. In my case, men are replaceable.
A man loves you as far as you are useful. But, let you walk away, he will not have you believe that is the end of his world. He may ask you to reconsider, but is not sitting around waiting for you to make up your mind. Basically, you are not all that and a bag of chips. There are plenty of other fish. A fish is a fish is a fish. They do the same thing, which is to provide. Happiness isn’t tied to one person, you leave and someone else will come around and I’ll be happy. Actually, that may occur the same night, right in front of you, on his twitter, Facebook or Instagram, busily hooking up with someone else. You are replaceable.

With us ladies, he walks away and we are holding on to God knows what. We are living in the memories instead of accepting the reality that he took your money to learn French for the Canadian girl he met online, while he is courting the girl in New York that he used your money to buy the ticket to go visit. We bury ourselves in tears, then anger, and regret. We fear every other guy that comes along and allow the bastardly dog to ruin us for years to come.

5- Love is the one who puts up with all your shit
We call it “settling” ladies. Women hate that word. We feel it means getting less than we deserve. Men interpret it as emotions don’t have to matter “much” as long as she fits the bill. Usually that includes: “no baggage, hot in bed, decent job, decent body, can keep house, not annoying, allows me to do what I want when it matters to me”. Many men settle more than they fall in love. But, you would never know it. You would have to be so close to them (rare) for them to admit it to you. And because they are not that emotionally vested, their marriages will work. They will stay there and never leave. It is a sort of an arranged marriage. They search for certain characteristics. Once they find the one who meets them, they lock her in. They will make the best of it until death.

The male specie is indeed a weird one. Much as my male friends wish me to understand that they are like women, I can’t see it at all. Men are too calculating to be like women. They are full of confidence bordering on cockiness. They live on ego, uncaring who it hurts in the process, a trait not approved in women by society. Some would even believe that women have no ego. And we do. They breathe and live ego. If you can manage a man’s ego, then you’ll be in his life forever. Don’t criticize him, make him believe he is God and you’re friends for life. Women tend to be filled with insecurities, in need of connection, thus dependent on relationships forged on “likability”. Wanting to be liked is dependent on others’ opinions. That is one of women’s greatest shortfall. A man knows he is God and isn’t waiting for you to confirm it.

I’m not saying these are the answers for everyone or to everything but it sure gives me a whole new perspective for the future!

Felix fin de semana!!!

Muchos besos!

L.

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