I happen to work in one of the worst environments, where no matter what I do, it is an issue. My field is so specialized that finding another position is difficult, unless I move. Again. Four years ago, I made a decision for my children’s sakes. Since my divorce, I had them move across country about four times and they were so young. I hated all the changes, but I couldn’t provide the life I needed or feel I must provide.
When you divorce a man, you know that he usually will look for everything wrong that may occur with the children and blame you. If they have a pimple, it is your fault, if they get poor grades it is your fault and so on…thank goodness so far, my babies are the most amazing gift from God and have not given me much trouble. This, since they had to be latchkey kids so early. I feel even more torn when I have to make life changing decisions. I seek to protect them from the pain, from the consequences of my choices. They didn’t ask to be born. They did not tell me to leave their dad and have them grow up so fast and take on responsibilities that they may not have had to had they been raised in a two-parent home.
The guilt tears me into pieces. I decided to cushion the fall out as much as possible and settle in one State, no matter what! Once you make a commitment, you’ll find out soon enough how many hurdles would come your way, testing your resolve. I’m a strong believer in being happy where I work. I love what I do and have never had any issues at any of my places of employment, except this one. That one where I decided to bend and carry that cross, settle, hold on tight, not run away as I usually do from anyone or any situation that does not bring me peace or joy. But leaving will mean moving. Again. My babies have developed
close bonds. They finally feel secure. They love the house, the neighborhood, their schools, their church family and most of all their dad found the only available woman across the country, one damn hour away from us and married her. So now, he is nearby. They love their dad. He loves having them every other weekend. Another decision that wouldn’t affect just my life!!!
I am dying. I am in pain. I am stuck. I am in a horrible situation where I am not respected or appreciated and where every decision I make or care plan is questioned. People are second guessing my every move. I don’t know why. I have never had these problems before. Every employer I left loved me. Heck! I keep in touch with all of them. Why this one? Why this place where I committed to stay and do my darndest to stick it out. I’m having the worst time, experience of my career!!!
Every other week, I feel like slitting my wrist because of some nonsense. It is the south. Yes! I’m the only black one. Racism exists but I don’t want to use that as an excuse. But I am damn good at what I do. All my patients adore me. I passed my review. I work days others won’t. I stay late. I go early. I bend and I bend and I bend. I pray and I pray and I fast and I fast. Mostly I cry. I cry almost everyday. My co-workers love me and can’t understand either. Yet, here I am. The nit-picking.
Worse is that no one can do much. It is all up to me. Do I leave without a job to fall back on? There is not one any closer than 70 miles from where we live!! I can’t leave my babies for so long! I would hardly see them. I bought a house. I’m committed. They are settled.
It is one thing to have so many worries as a single parent, in addition to the guilt. It is even worse when you have an angry bitter ex waiting for you to fail. It is excruciatingly painful feeling you’re failing at what you’ve always been great at and doing for so long. Failing how, you know not really!! It drives you insane. So I stay. I carry the pain, the burden, the abuse, being second-guessed and questioned as if I don’t have nearly two decades of experience. I do it all for them.
I go home and repeat. I cross out each day, counting how many left until the baby leaves High school. I want to run away. I want to die. I want a glimmer of hope, a change. I want better. I want the abuse to stop. Where from? I don’t know. I don’t have anyone but me, no friends here to help me forget even for a moment or the luxury of a second income to fall back on until something better comes along. My family isn’t near either. It sucks. Single parenting is horrible. I would never wish it on anyone if you don’t have a support network.
I’m in that crazed, hopeless mood in my office and in comes one of my co-workers who knows everything that’s happening at work. She questions management, the way I’m treated as well but everyone knows they’re either trying to push me out of my own free will (so I won’t sue. They have no legal grounds.) or they’re hoping I get so upset, I’ll lose my cool, snap at them so they could fire me for insubordination.
She walks to me, understanding my frustration and says: “it is going to be okay.”
Just one sentence and she took me out of my slump. I wanted to share this because of the impact it had on me. She has no way of knowing it will. But for some reason, she said it and I believed her. My day took a turn for the better. I remembered who I was, how far I came these past seven years and ended my day on a more peaceful note. It feels good having someone by your side, someone cheering you on. Somehow it weight, that burden seems easier to handle,
Dear readers, you just never know how kind words can impact someone’s day or state of mind. I hope you have now learned and would gift them to those around you. I don’t know what the future holds. But yeah, I do agree with her, no matter, it will be okay.
Happy hump day!!!!
Commitment is a voluntary sentence taken for a greater good/benefit. May it be worth it, dear God, may it be worth it!!!