This much is true: love never dies!


image
Every love song has your name inscribed.

Every sad song, heartbreak song brings you to mind.
There’s such a thing as forever love. You showed me how.

No matter how angry I get when I think about the things you did, or how hurt I was by your Machiavellian ways, I smile every time in my heart. Because it is you.

I could read your words over and over, the manipulations. Yet, I will smile.

There is this mean little child in you that comes to play, even when your mind knows you’re being bad. It is as if you can’t even stop yourself. You thrive on the power at making people do things for you and make them like it, even when they don’t even understand why they do so.

You’re badass and you know it.

I cry, but I love you. No matter the impact or destruction you leave behind I will always love you. When I hear them, I smile and think “that’s my baby, he’s at it again.” Gosh! How many times I wises you weren’t so contrived. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be you, would you?

It is those smarts of yours, the confidence blended with s hint of child-like mannerisms that define you. But you are more than that too. You know it. Everyone who has met you knows it. You could be so much more than stuck in potential. And when that sweetness of yours peeps!!! By God! We are in awe and ravaged by it. So, today, I hear another love song and think: “Man, I love this kid.” No matter where you are, what trouble you get yourself into, I understand it is the journey you chose. I wish you’re happy, today, always, and forever.

I don’t think you would ever comprehend the depth of my love, or what I’ve given not once, but twice just because of you. Ou se neg mwen an vre! If I could have wished you on a star, you would have never come out half as perfect.

BB U.R.

Your crush is single now!!


image

I heard you were single again. And for a moment, my heart skipped a bit. I had forgotten the pulsations of expectancy. It felt like tingling ecstasy flowing through me.

She was still there after all, thaimaget romantic! Though I prayed she had learned, that she had stopped wanting. She was there, hiding, believing that one day she could come out and play.

It won’t be with you. I won’t allow it. It is nice to know when our eyes met, there was a sense of recognition in our gazes. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Maybe it was the look of a man drowning when he was trying to breathe at the same time. I know that feeling too well.

You are single! That’s something I did not want to happen. Losing isn’t easy and new beginnings aren’t as pleasant as poets make them sound. You are shedding skin. You’re bleeding dead-end, as you knock your head into “why me? Why now?”. It doesn’t matter the reason; saying goodbye means stepping alone into the unknown. You’re not saying goodbye to someone else alone, but to who you were, to possibilities and a future that took time to plan as well.

Here you are, a smile on your face. All I see are questions dangling in space. So, I pray. I pray you find your way. And that someday, it will lead you to where you are meant to be.

With me!!! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜„

Cause darling I will not play the rebound chick, no matter who tried to turn me into one without my knowledge. That macdaddy!! πŸ˜œπŸ˜πŸ˜› Now I can see that net from miles away. :-)

Happy fun week dear readers!!! Smooches wherever you are!!!

TMI: I used to be with this guy who would tell the whole world how he hated the fact that his baby mama said she did not need a man and that she was, is, an independent woman and can take care of herself. Lo and behold, I made certain to tell him that I needed him. Though independent, I am fully aware that a man adds to my life and I am not threatened by a man wanting to take care of me. Hell no! It accentuates my femininity. Yes, I can do a lot on my own and I am the provider, caregiver and everything in my household, but having MY man handle shit is woah!!! Just saying! Β In any case, he couldn’t give a damn what I thought. And I learned a lesson. It isn’t what people say they want that matters, it is who they want it from. I could have told that man or be the model woman of his dreams, but he was hooked on a certain woman. What would matter is what she brings to the table. And that is why we should never trust emotions. They blind us to what is. Lol. Emotions change like the weather, how can one trust that, right!!!!? Lol.

yes, yes, yes, I’m on my stupid pills today. Muchos besos a todosπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜šπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜Š

The men who build are keepers


image

Single for ever and a day?

Where are those men?

You know, the men who want to be in a relationship, the men who are actively looking to build with one woman, not in the next ten years but right now. Where are the men who are ready to invest in love?

I know many single women wanting to be in a committed relationship but few menimage who want to be in a monogamous, no holds-barred, woman I’m yours type of relationship.

I do know and have dated a few who say they want a woman in their lives. Hardly do they say, they want a relationship. Relationships tend to scare men away. Too many think that would be the end of their self-centered, no responsibility, free lifestyle. And it really is. Relationships are too hard for many men, because the good one involves work, lots of hard work. A man must be able to put himself second. He must be open to answering questions about his whereabouts, his future, his plans. He must be dependable, where a woman can look up to him to meet her needs, and not just in the bedroom. Relationships involve giving, of self, of time, of money, of skills and really not just in the bedroom. Too many men aren’t trained or haven’t learned how to give. Most men are good at taking, a woman’s smile, her time, her love, her adoration, her caring, her body. In turn, they behave as if being physically there” is enough. The fact that they are on that phone answering you or emailing or texting you back is enough. And if she is sexually satisfied they think they’re a great catch, a good man and they are doing their part. Their job is done. Many men don’t want to grow up or attend to anyone else’s needs, especially that of another adult. They leave the bulk of building and caring for the relationship to the woman.

image

Men will tell you how hard it is for them to get over a broken heart. They will get hurt from one relationship and allow the pain to simmer into eternity. They are now fully justified in not investing in another woman. Because they got hurt. Once. Once was too many times, though it occurred often more than a decade or several decades ago. They are fragile and fragile beings protect themselves by giving you pieces of them and not all of them. They will give you “enough”, to reel you in, to get you to fall for them and everything else belongs to the ghost in their past who dared to hurt them or disappoint the king. After all, only women get hurt and get back on the saddle fully believing. They make a woman feel bad for wanting to do the same thing they do. They need us to meet their needs but they don’t want us to ask for more, whatever it may be, attention, presents, caring, time. You are too needy if you do.

I know this one guy who continuously prays and tells whomever wants to listen that he wants to be in a relationship. I admire him for being that open. But dude does not work at it as women do. A woman will read books, she will listen to others’ experiences. She will make lists. She will learn what is good about herself and what is wrong. She will prepare. She will study the guy she likes. She is ready. She is open to love. She will deal with her baggage. She will put every part of her being into the guy she likes. She will do so, over and over and over and over again until her friends get tired and start to pity her. And she will again, will until many call her stupid. Some will call her desperate. Others will say she is needy. What she is, is a woman who knows what she wants. At the end of the day, none of that will matter until she meets a man who wants the same thing she does.

image

Men have yet to learn that relationships are about interdependence. Women have spoiled them into believing this I have to admit. We give because we love. So, they don’t learn that giving without replenishing leaves a woman dry, exhausted. Men must learn that when they come or invite themselves into a woman’s life they must be ready to provide what she needs as well. His focus should be in what exactly she needs from him, no one else that would make her feel loved, cherished and appreciated. We are all empty vessels when we come to love. We need it. We go to each other to fill our cup. A man’s cup can’t run over, a woman pouring her all into him and he does nothing for her. That is need but a need we all have. For love. When a woman says “you don’t love me.” She’s basically saying you’re not meeting what I need to feel loved. Your job is to find out what it is and meet those needs. Hers, is to tell you what they are. If either of you comes short, it will not last. That’s what life is about and relationships too. It is about what we bring to the table as much as what others bring to us.

Why are many women still single? Simple! There aren’t many men who want the same thing that women want: a committed, monogamous relationship into forever after.

“Women don’t often forget to fall in love. They don’t often forget to have children. Sure, time passes faster than we’d all prefer, but if someone wants to be in a relationship, and most women do, then we find a way to do that when a man who wants the same thing is present in our lives,”

Where are these men?!!!

Where are the men who are ready to build?

I am done! Over and out!


image

Do you keep old emails, letters, notes, cards?

I do.

imageI have this fire-proof keepsake box and several places online where I store notes gifted to me by friends and lovers. I cherish every word, comma and periods. Sometimes, I am going through certain issues and feel the need to revisit these past exchanges. Often, I find a new lesson, some tidbit I couldn’t understand or maybe that I needed for that moment.

One of my most cherished are card from G. Imagine that! In this day and age, someone travels abroad, takes the time to send lil olde me a souvenir. Just fabulous!

Another one is a letter from a guy I was logically into. What does that mean? Well, it wasn’t about lust or love. The logistics were right: divorced, one child, doesn’t want any more kids, owned a home, loved cars, shared taste in music, poetry, wrote poetry, smart, respectful and had an excellent job. It didn’t hurt that he was six feet five, could lift me up two flights of stairs either. It was all logic. We were perfect on paper. And in person, he was even more lovely. He was one of the sweetest, kindest, most accepting being I had ever had the pleasure of dating. He sang beautifully too.

And we broke up. He wasn’t like the others where we just strayed away from each other without a word. They would disappear or I would stop answering their calls. No. This man was different. He was a man who knew what he wanted which I loved. Just as well, he knew what he didn’t want. His last letter to me was very specific, and ended with “I’m not the man for you.”

Every time I read it, I admire him even more. I hold him in high regards. I do, because I don’t know many men who are decisive, who know how to say goodbye and mean it. Needless to say that this man did not break my heart. I don’t hate or resent him. He spoke to my analytical side. He was just like me, a person of intentions.

I don’t play with people’s emotions. I don’t, as I believe those who do deserve death. Those who play with others’ emotions are the worst beings on earth, causing psychological damage so far-reaching, it pains to witness. In any case, I always know what I want, from whom, how and why? When people choose me or not, and have the decency to tell me so, that is a gift I treasure.

image

Why, oh why then do people who presume to know me insist on calling or texting me when I say I’m done? I don’t lie nor do I stutter! When I walk away from people, I do so after investing my time in our relationship. I find it beyond insulting, disrespectful when people with whom I had multiple discussions with about their behavior, how it impacted our relationship would suddenly, once they realized I am really done, have time to invest in me, in our relationship that they neglected for years!!!! It doesn’t flatter me. Heck! I feel like I wasted my time with a child who has no clue what his life was about, who had yet to define himself. Jeez!!!

What pisses me off the most is the fact that they come across as dogs like many refer to them. Men are not dogs. Stop running after bone. You’re a man, a thinking being, when something matters you’ll find time, make time and come correct. Why on earth do most men love to struggle and work hard for a woman after she’s walked away from you?!! Why? Is it really all about that chase, the ego, trying to get over, proving you can and always win?

So for years you were busy, had no time, promised to change, confirmed your behavior was painful, accepted the fact it wasn’t helping in strengthening the bond and now, my bags are packed, my phone number has changed. I am not answering your calls, emails or texts you are finally ready to make good, to do good, to spend more time together, to be sweet, to listen more, to be more giving, to remember what is important to me!!!

Do men see everything as a game? I’m not a yo-yo. I hear many women play hide and seek and you guys love that, always the hunter,trying to lay catch. I’m not one of them. I don’t play games. I don’t make decisions and take things back, when I am done, I am done, really truly done. It means I gave you more time in my life that I will NEVER get back, time that you were too inconsiderate to take into account. And there isn’t anything I this world that would make me change my mind.

With me, you get only one chance. One person got one too many and proved that do-overs don’t work. You’re either all in from the get, stick it out or go. And when I go,if you really love me, let me go. You may know what you wanted or how important I was, but by the time you figured it out, you had chipped away every caring, patient feeling in every fiber of my being. It isn’t as if you lost me unexpectedly. You lost me piece by piece, each time my cries and discussions went unheard, until there was nothing I. Me left for you to walk all over. When you all aren’t ready for a committed relationship, stop wasting people’s time!!!

Done is done.

It’s gonna be okay!!


image

I happen to work in one of the worst environments, where no matter what I do, it is an issue. My field is so specialized that finding another position is difficult, unless I move. Again. Four years ago, I made a decision for my children’s sakes. Since my divorce, I had them move across country about four times and they were so young. I hated all the changes, but I couldn’t provide the life I needed or feel I must provide.

When you divorce a man, you know that he usually will look for everything wrong that may occur with the children and blame you. If they have a pimple, it is your fault, if they get poor grades it is your fault and so on…thank goodness so far, my babies are the most amazing gift from God and have not given me much trouble. This, since they had to be latchkey kids so early. I feel even more torn when I have to make life changing decisions. I seek to protect them from the pain, from the consequences of my choices. They didn’t ask to be born. They did not tell me to leave their dad and have them grow up so fast and take on responsibilities that they may not have had to had they been raised in aimage two-parent home.

The guilt tears me into pieces. I decided to cushion the fall out as much as possible and settle in one State, no matter what! Once you make a commitment, you’ll find out soon enough how many hurdles would come your way, testing your resolve. I’m a strong believer in being happy where I work. I love what I do and have never had any issues at any of my places of employment, except this one. That one where I decided to bend and carry that cross, settle, hold on tight, not run away as I usually do from anyone or any situation that does not bring me peace or joy. But leaving will mean moving. Again. My babies have developed

close bonds. They finally feel secure. They love the house, the neighborhood, their schools, their church family and most of all their dad found the only available woman across the country, one damn hour away from us and married her. So now, he is nearby. They love their dad. He loves having them every other weekend. Another decision that wouldn’t affect just my life!!!

I am dying. I am in pain. I am stuck. I am in a horrible situation where I am not respected or appreciated and where every decision I make or care plan is questioned. People are second guessing my every move. I don’t know why. I have never had these problems before. Every employer I left loved me. Heck! I keep in touch with all of them. Why this one? Why this place where I committed to stay and do my darndest to stick it out. I’m having the worst time, experience of my career!!!

Every other week, I feel like slitting my wrist because of some nonsense. It is the south. Yes! I’m the only black one. Racism exists but I don’t want to use that as an excuse. But I am damn good at what I do. All my patients adore me. I passed my review. I work days others won’t. I stay late. I go early. I bend and I bend and I bend. I pray and I pray and I fast and I fast. Mostly I cry. I cry almost everyday. My co-workers love me and can’t understand either. Yet, here I am. The nit-picking.

 

image

Worse is that no one can do much. It is all up to me. Do I leave without a job to fall back on? There is not one any closer than 70 miles from where we live!! I can’t leave my babies for so long! I would hardly see them. I bought a house. I’m committed. They are settled.

It is one thing to have so many worries as a single parent, in addition to the guilt. It is even worse when you have an angry bitter ex waiting for you to fail. It is excruciatingly painful feeling you’re failing at what you’ve always been great at and doing for so long. Failing how, you know not really!! It drives you insane. So I stay. I carry the pain, the burden, the abuse, being second-guessed and questioned as if I don’t have nearly two decades of experience. I do it all for them.

I go home and repeat. I cross out each day, counting how many left until the baby leaves High school. I want to run away. I want to die. I want a glimmer of hope, a change. I want better. I want the abuse to stop. Where from? I don’t know. I don’t have anyone but me, no friends here to help me forget even for a moment or the luxury of a second income to fall back on until something better comes along. My family isn’t near either. It sucks. Single parenting is horrible. I would never wish it on anyone if you don’t have a support network.

I’m in that crazed, hopeless mood in my office and in comes one of my co-workers who knows everything that’s happening at work. She questions management, the way I’m treated as well but everyone knows they’re either trying to push me out of my own free will (so I won’t sue. They have no legal grounds.) or they’re hoping I get so upset, I’ll lose my cool, snap at them so they could fire me for insubordination.

She walks to me, understanding my frustration and says: “it is going to be okay.”

Just one sentence and she took me out of my slump. I wanted to share this because of the impact it had on me. She has no way of knowing it will. But for some reason, she said it and I believed her. My day took a turn for the better. I remembered who I was, how far I came these past seven years and ended my day on a more peaceful note. It feels good having someone by your side, someone cheering you on. Somehow it weight, that burden seems easier to handle,

Dear readers, you just never know how kind words can impact someone’s day or state of mind. I hope you have now learned and would gift them to those around you. I don’t know what the future holds. But yeah, I do agree with her, no matter, it will be okay.

Happy hump day!!!!

Commitment is a voluntary sentence taken for a greater good/benefit. May it be worth it, dear God, may it be worth it!!!