Have you found yourself in situations, sometimes repeatedly, where you are constantly being hurt, where you feel this person made you feel bad, that you are not worth much or that you’ve been lied to or used? If you have, allow me to share how you can lower the chance of that happening.
I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I can tell you what has worked for me, how I came to have peace of mind, how I’ve stopped the pain. I’m sure you’ve read the articles, seen the quotes, listened to everyone’s point of views on why you get hurt. If you’re like me, you probably heard but could not relate and that is why you kept on repeating the same pattern. Nothing clicked.
They did not register because you weren’t hurt enough. You did not reach the point of feeling so bereft that you could feel yourself sinking. There is such a pain when you know you’ve tried it all, you’ve done everything, you kept the faith, remained opened to possibilities, raised the banner of hope, was honest and yet, no matter what, this person, this relationship wasn’t making you happy. You loved this person, or these guys, you saw potential. They promised the world. Some days they were good to you, a nice conversation, if you’re lucky a couple of hours of intimacy and not just in bed. And then you started to second-guess yourself, believing it was all in your head, that you were imagining trouble, that they were right, you were the reason why things would be good today and they’ll disappear tomorrow. You were asking for too much, too many questions, too many requests. You were needy or clingy or too demanding or going too fast. You were everything they were planting in your head. Basically, you were the source of all that was bad in the relationship and they were the good guys, the good ones. They were trying their best (even when that wasn’t what you knew was the best for you, or enough for you or what you stated you needed to feel loved). Basically, they were molding you to do what was good for them. They were training you to accept crumbs for food.
Your heart wasn’t having it. You felt empty. Deep down you knew that seeing each other every three months wasn’t it, never being invited to their house wasn’t a relationship, discussing his ex or being compared to her wasn’t respectful, paying his bills when he couldn’t babysit your child wasn’t support. You knew. He left you more drained than fulfilled. You could sense that many things were missing and the situation ship was wrong.
That was your intuition. It is that part of you that sustains you, that little voice that leads you to happiness. Don’t bury it. Each time you took a road against its counsel, was the time when the pain was sharpest. Yet, you kept on, sometimes out of loneliness, or boredom or need or love. There is this kind of love where you want this person so much, that you stop loving yourself and place your needs on the back burner, that is “vampiric love”. And it always leaves you, bleeding, empty and weak.
When you reach that point and have to heal, sometimes over and over and over again, becoming a ghost of your former self, living in darkness, that is when you will learn how to stop the hurt and learn to let go.
If you’re there at this moment, here are some steps to make sure it won’t happen again:
- Acknowledge the pain. Sink into it. Cover yourself in it so you will know what it tastes like, feels like, smells like. You want to remember every ache and imprint them on your emotional psyche. You know why, because you don’t EVER want to experience it again. And since that moment will be the last, let it overpower you and penetrate your every being. Taste the pain.
- Do NOT point fingers at him. I’ve found that when you do, it leads nowhere to improvement. And yes I agree, he hurt you. He did you wrong. He used you. He made you feel like you were the worst woman he’s ever been with even when he told you he loved you. He made promises and pulled your strings. Do NOT blame him. I’ve learned that when you spend time blaming him, recalling every dirty trick and abuse, every lie and misdeed, you can’t learn what you did wrong and where you went wrong. I’m not saying it is your fault at all, which in part it may have been, because dear if you weren’t on the dance floor, the two of you could not tango; what I want is for you to realize you were dancing. Once you do that, now you can learn the tricky steps that will make you shine, not just your partner.
- Define what you want in a relationship that makes you happy. Do you like long conversations, time together weekly, reciprocity, openness, a man who follows through etc? What do you want? What do you need to be happy? If it helps, write them down so you can remember. There will come a time when that right-looking dude comes along and the chemistry is on point, when your senses mask that weak, newly built inner voice and you will need that list. Do NOT move away from it. What I have learned from men is they will play with almost anyone, but won’t settle just on chemistry. Women, we make that mistake too many times. “I love him. Or, he’s so good in bed and we go googoo, gaga, then proceed to throw away the requirements. We compromise our needs just to have him, to be with him and become the person he wants, doing the things that makes him happy when he doesn’t even bother much with what we need.
Don’t allow any man to tell you that what you need to be happy is too much, or too demanding, or the list is too long (it can be, be cautious as well). That is another trick to turn you into who they want without trying at all. It may be too much indeed, but for him. He’s not the one. He’s just not the one for you. For example, I’ve adopted the “no text rule” with almost everyone. So, if a man wants to date me, I tell him from the beginning that I don’t accept text conversations. They have caused more hassle in my romantic life than bring intimacy. I have met suitable, smart, sexy men (the type I enjoy) who tell me that is their preferred mode of communication. What do I do? I walk away. This is one of my non-negotiables. I need real life conversations, by phone or in person. No sexy lips, or amazing pair of hands or brilliant mind will change that. Do not minimize that inner voice and keep your list of needs close.
- This leads us to the most important one: consistency. You must look for consistent, repeated behaviors that don’t sit well with what you need to be happy. Ex: if he makes promises and does not follow through, if he doesn’t make an effort, if he is unwilling to admit when he is wrong or has done things that hurt you. As Maya Angelou stated, “If a man shows you who he is, believe him”. Watch him, his actions or lack thereof will tell you a lot. If you keep having the same conversations over and over and over agin, he is not listening to you. I know you may like him, are into him and could already picture a future together although you’ve known him less than a month, but that man is a stranger. Question him. Follow him. Watch him. Look for consistency and inconsistency. He’s trying to get into your life either for good or bad. And that pain you tasted that you don’t wish to swallow again should be a reminder to make sure it would be for good or in the least, make it extremely difficult for it to be bad once more.
- Finally: learn what love feels like. When you’ve been in relationships that left you more hurt, broken than happy, you tend to forget what love feels like. The best way to do so is by treating yourself the way that makes you happy. Love yourself girl. Love yourself in such a way that the next guy, if he comes would have a really high bar to jump over.
No one’s gonna save you or protect you baby girl, but you! Too many come to take and not give.Save yourself.
And I promise, you will not only be happier, most importantly you will find peace.