7 Billion, 1 is all you need!


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One thing I do know is that friends come and they go, family is a wind blown. Everything else is within. It will get dark and cold. Days will be sad and lonely. You will feel weak and alone, but you must give yourself what you need.

People have words alone but you have all you need. Whenever you begin to think you are not enough, remember you have made it this far alone. You must learn where to find strength in you, love in you, otherwise you will get the pull. Find an exit!

Life is nothing without you.

Right now is always the perfect time for you find in you to be, to touch; one breath at a time honey. Time is spent with or without, it is in the how you exist. No one asked to be here, everyone staggers into some coherent existence so they convict themselves.

As we say goodbye to friends, family, the elders, bide time ‘till its end. Don’t second guess the past or be so focused on the future, you forget this moment is all you’re given.

Remember when you told me not to get comfortable being alone? I listened and tried but the connections are few. Many seek contact but I am into connection as you learned. I am not made for surface interactions. I must feel the real, sense the true. That is why I am uneasy around too many. All the “how are you? What’s up?” that lead nowhere but conversations none will remember. You did not tell me aloneness will get hard sometimes and that I will crave connectedness more than air and I would need to dig in and live within. Maybe you couldn’t because you too forgot how it used to be. We will make do, won’t we? Tell me it gets better somehow!

Each time I get the call from the other side of lonely I recall, I remember, promising not to forget.

Children grow and let go. Friends come and go, family is a wind blown, all I will ever need is within.

 

 

 

Don’t ask if I’m okay!


 

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Don’t ask if I’m okay!

Not now! Not yet!

Asking me if I’m okay when I’ve lost what I’ve worked for, or someone dear to me or received a poor medical diagnosis does nothing for me. Don’t ask if I’m okay! What do you expect the response to be? “Oh yes! I’m splendid! Everything is falling apart or around me but I’m awesome.”

I think people ask this as a reflex so you can give them a response where they won’t have to be invested in what you’re going through. Asking if someone is okay when they’re experiencing a loss gives a semblance of concern when really, you’re shrouding politeness with unnecessary verbiage. It’s more honest to not say anything at all, express shock possibly or if you can spare some real emotion, sadness.

I know how I feel when I hear this question. “Are you okay,” when facing a loss! It feels insincere. Someone who cares will feel sorry for you and express that, they will share your pain by offering any type of comfort they can in your time of grief. And grieving you are when you lose something or someone dear to you that will cause a drastic shift in your plans and create a gaping hole in your life. First comes the shock, followed by fear, possibly anger, then grief.

Grief demands you tend to it. That’s why in years gone people will bring casseroles upon hearing of someone’s passing. Concern which stems from caring comes with actions, not questions.

You don’t need to know what happened or how, what’s next or how the other is feeling right at that moment. All you need to do is care. Come up with a plan, ways you can be there for the other, offer a hand, a shoulder, an escape, assistance.

Save the quasi feelings and do!

Love does!

Caring has a mind, hands, feet, shoulders, arms, ears, strength I reckon!

There’s always something one can do to prove you’re really concerned and care.

ALWAYS!

Believe that!

Shalom!

A little sun in your day!


 

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Wondering where my strength comes from for I know within me rests a soul tired of drowning as it strives to survive. To endure requires a strength beyond the capacity of this soul of mine.

One refrain: “Oh God! I’m so tired!” Commitment demands sacrifice and sacrifice is the sum of numerous concessions made against oneself, for greater. For better. The ultimate. It’s placing one value above another which we do often enough and at cost.

And the will trying to sustain itself needs to draw from somewhere that can withstand the slants and the bending it handles. The toughest thing to control is self no matter how much one pretends to want the best for oneself, hardly do we have ve fully conquer ourselves.

 

And because I feel so weak I call on God with every breath that I take. When others call me strong, they ascertain God keeps coming through for me. I really don’t have it within me.

We want what we want. We expect cause and effect to work as it should. If we build it, it will come. And we go through the process. We plan and build and build to rise, then sustain. When the rules are broken which life loves to do, it’s hard to accept that things don’t often work out as they should. After all we want the best for ourselves and have defined certain things as the best so why would the universe unfold her skirt to sit, cross legged on the object of our yearning then step on the brick and mortar we have painstakingly put together crushing it into grainy dust for the wind to dance with!

Why?

A cheerleader should I have by my side as Omi lauds about. None is nigh. It’s circumstance once again or maybe it’s me. One must be open to relations for cheers to occur. I did once upon an almost regret but people abuse the proximity. People are more open to withdrawal than deposits. But it’s me, I’m tired, though I wasn’t before. Enough give without release will leave you dry and staunted. You can not draw strength or happiness from anyone. People come and people go, that’s just the way it is. Look at life, how many people have come and gone along the way? Ah! Fair weather friends!

It took me years to accept that strength is built on confronting the present, of living every single moment,  fully, not rejecting all that it brings: emotions, thoughts, drain or energy.

The more you fight against what is, the more tired you’ll get. But when you sit right where you are, take in everything to its last particle you’ll be able to face anything. That’s what it means to be, strong!

Don’t fight! Stop saying I don’t want this, it should be this way. You’re only arguing against the inevitable. Say: “Oh my! This is tough, I would not want and did not wish for this but since it’s happened, where’s the round-about?.”

God give me strength to endure really means, help me face what I don’t consider to be good or kind or fair. Controlling  your thoughts will allow you more yield over your situation. Self control is ultimate strength.

It’s hard I tell you.

That’s how I managed to dry my tears, stopped allowing anger to weaken me, my will, and take away my power.

The sun shines every day. You may not see it, doesn’t meant it’s not. Troubles come and they go, they may not be occurring in your life but no one is ever free until you allow the light of the moment to strengthen you, enlighten you.

May your Sunday be!!!!

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Metamorphosis!


 

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Take me as I am or don’t come around here no more!

“I am not the same. I’ve been changed, in your glory.”

What a day! What a mighty mighty good day! I have an inkling why it was good. I experienced a bit of security and self control. I dislike feeling powerless, given to the whimsy of life’s fancy.

I woke up with a plan and followed through with most of it. There was a bout of helplessness because what needed to be done demanded a lot I didn’t have to give. I postponed it, as it’s not important thus far.

I know what I want most: stay here, in our cocoon, see things through and this will take humbling steps. But for love I’d do anything!!! And how I love!!!

I’ve learned what commitment means and best believe it’s shitty. No one speaks about the shitty things in life preferring to be lulled and seen as optimistic, hopeful, yadee yaddaday. Thank God they have people like me who rest at reality’s doors. I don’t dwell in such fantasies: hope, wishes, phhht! Those often amount to nothing and I’ve been proved right again today. But I can’t say it because I want her to believe. For her. For me.

My girl is getting her wings back and they got clipped at first try. I don’t want her to lose out. Fantasy land does have its perk. I see all those people laughing even though their smiles don’t actually go past their lips. Or it’s my overthinking mind questioning as I often do, “what are they thinking about as they smile? What life are they living out of sight?” I’m bemused by people. I would love for one of us to be winning at this thing called life. Sure isn’t me, I’m barely holding on. I really don’t want her to end up like me, giving up on humanity. No birds of a feather here! I want her to fly and spread her wings and come back to tell me what a great view it is up there. I do still want to believe, oh! How I really do! So I want this for her and pray so much that she gets it.

Despite the little setbacks, today was an okay day. When you’re running out of meds and Obama care sucks ass, an okay day is to be noted.

I think I’ll complete my diary from now on, write down the okay days, compile a list of how okay this year is or will be!! See I’m a realist! This too shall pass! Nothing lasts babes not even…uhm! map vale l.! 🙂

 

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A godly beast!

 

I’ve figured something out, I’m a God or a beast, maybe a godly beast? I don’t think I’m godly though! Nonetheless I’ve lived alone so long, I don’t need people around to have an okay day. Isn’t that something? 7 years in a city with no friends at all!! Still amazes me!! I used to think that was so weird. I didn’t grow up this way. I had tons of friends. Life took them all away as I spend years living away from family and NO friends.

I learned I don’t like people. They lie! They BS you into oblivion and that used to make me angry. I’m not angry anymore for sure. Shuh! Okay, fine I don’t dislike people. They overwhelm me! I can’t deal with the lies, the pretense, the lack of self awareness and analysis. They give little and believe it’s so much! I can’t deal! The bullshit kills me! I can barely handle folks and then I tune out.

Oddly enough I’m intense in my relations.

As an all or nothing type of gal, I’m either in or out. There’s no in between which also explains why I don’t make friends. My concept of friendship is narrow. All or naught. We can’t be friends and I don’t hear from you or hang out with you a lot and by that I mean a whole damn lot. I speak between three to six days a week with my friends. Anything less and I don’t see us as friends. Acquaintances, ex-lovers, ex-neighbors or ex-classmates, etc but not friends.

Anywho! Life is okay my way! And I so cherish the okay days!

Life makes you then kills you baby!!

 

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At this moment!


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I’m quite cognizant of the reality I am facing. I am out of work.

My entire life saving is at stake. Because you know, we save for emergencies like sickness and death but losing a job!! That’s unthinkable! Especially when you’re a single parent. You’re actually barren, financially. You’re not producing. You look and see your savings dwindle. Yes they said six months’ worth! Heck! I even read nine months’ worth! Who in the world can save nine months’ worth of payments, of life!!! I sure don’t know many! And that means when you have nothing coming in, you must dip into a stash you put away for real emergencies. It also means if you don’t get anything soon, the shelter is your next stop and you’re looking at years of dependency and rebuilding! The fuck man!

Supposedly, the job market is bursting and unemployment is at an all time low. So why am I the odd man out? The unemployed? And of course, the one with no one to chip in with an entire house and bills coming in!

So yes, I’m quite fully aware of my present state. Things have to change. Plans modified. Cuts made. And possibly certain bills unpaid just to make it. But at what cost? A credit score painfully rebuilt! A home created by the sweat and tears at a job where racism reigned. And I hung on. Five and a half years of misery trying to save, pay and build. I dared. I dared to say enough that I wanted financial growth, happiness, a place I’d work where I was appreciated. I took one of those great risks in life, has a Coelho bullshit moment how the universe will ducking align with your goals shit you know, one big leap and left a secured steady pay for a chance to do better and build even more for us and I lost. Hey! Can’t say I never risked anything! I think I wrote a book on risk taking, moving places and taking chances. And failed! Michael Jordan what!!! I haven’t won much though I sure can tell you that much. For every risk, a huge set back I can surely attest.

Instead of a move forward I am sinking so fast, below my worst imaginings!!! My God, why do you hate me so?

I feel as if God wants a life of misery for me. I’m tired of explaining to people how difficult it’s been for the past ten years, how much of me has been eradicated as I try to endure every fucking nightmare my life has been for the past ten years.

I can even hear my mom who believes strongly in karma admit how totally unlucky I have been (there goes that karma when the queen can’t even justify your misery with that one liner). We have this Haitian saying “chans ou lou. It means you’re the type of person who is unlucky as fuck. Everything you do ends up hurting you.

That’s me! My life! How it’s been! No winning over here! No sirree!Some Haitians when they notice such about a person often blame it on some evil spirit you need to ward off you so you can get a chance at life to succeed, to win at work and in love.

But I’m not that Haitian. For if I’m to believe this way it will negate the God I do believe in. He says everything is for my good. Well, for the good of those who love him. And I do love God. I do know that no matter how bad it’s been these past ten years, there were times if it weren’t for God i would not have been able to hold on. Yet, still I wait on the good part.

Irony is I’m living the story I dislike in the Bible. Since I was a kid I would get upset at God! Yeah! We talk like that! Samuel’s mom prayed for twelve years for her son and I’d wonder why would God who can do anything and knows one’s heart have someone beg, cry and thought of as crazy for that long? And now I’m in her shoes, just a smaller pair I think, praying for the same things for over a decade. Oh, no! I don’t want a child! God forbid! I’ve had only one prayer for three things in particular and not once has God answered any of them. TEN YEARS!

I’m no Hannah though! I’ve given up on the biggest one and the last two aren’t even for me.

I do realize the life I’m living and what I’m facing. I do understand how life works. Things change. We have ups and downs. What if I told you I’ve only had downs, you wouldn’t believe me though! No one has. That’s why I stop speaking with others about what I’m going through, my health issues, work, life and so on…. They don’t really care, continuously belittling the impact of what you’re going through. They can’t understand. Why should they? How could they? People often ask you to look on the bright side. This being, the “it could be worse” scenario. That’s what they call the bright side or pointing out what is working as if it will negate what isn’t! Maybe it works for some. We all aren’t alike though. I, for one can’t, and am fully aware that each one is important and stands on its own merit. Just because you have food on the table doesn’t mean you have water to drink or can swallow. How will having a pantry filled be beneficial and a blessing when you can’t eat? Tell me that! Feel me? Just because you can run, if you’re blind, you’re still fucking blind? Understand?

So no amount of “it could be worse” will change shit. No amount of it will get easier or better will change the moment. This moment my dear, when my life is taking another downturn and I have no one else to pull me out of it but me, where I MUST for the umpteenth time find the strength to face shit by myself again.

Yeah! I do know what time it is!

 

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