Home used to be you


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I did my best, gave you my all. I dedicated every breath to your being. And now you’re gone. I don’t know where I belong. You were my home. You are my home. Where do I start? Where do you go when you find yourself homeless, alone?

Where do I begin? 

Once upon a time, life was planned. I followed the guidelines, recited a script but none could predict what came to pass. 

How do I find where I belong when you’re nowhere here to come home to?

Where is home! What will become of me? A transient, unanchored, free and aimless. Who am I away from you and how do I breathe when you’re the breath that I need, the cocoon that kept me warm!

 

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The years passed, no thing’s changed


925E1F86-476D-498E-B1BB-706E36F4789FEvery year for the past ten years, I made a point to go out on NYE. I did so because I didn’t believe the holidays should be spent alone, especially on that day. I did not grow up in a bubble. The holidays were always a huge celebration in our household. From Thanksgiving on, it was festive, diners, brunches, breakfasts between houses, friends and family. It was just what we did just like going to church on NYE, welcoming the New Year with the brethren, have the Haitian celebratory soup joumou, a reminder of our Independence Day.

When my life changed 11 years ago and I was living away from friends and family, my kids spending time with their dad as stated on our divorce decree, I kept up with being busy. Lunch, breakfast, dinner alone but out and about, definitely not at home. For years I would get tickets to events I would attend so that when the clock shifted to midnight I wouldn’t be alone. I wasn’t yet I was, amongst strangers whose names I did not know or some random single guy dancing in a night club. But this year, this 11th year I’ve accepted how none of these rituals ever changed the most important issue, I was alone, no friends nor family to celebrate with. No matter how much I believe each year things would change that it would be the last time, the next year I will be with those I loved, it never did. That’s the reality I needed to face and learn to navigate. 

I will not lull myself into the land of pretense. I even created those stupid vision boards you know. Hilarious! Didn’t work. Did the meetups and the social network, dating sites too. Nothing worked. Not one darn thing. There is a new tradition this year. 

Year 11, I will be in bed, sound asleep and will wake up as I usually did and go about my day. Did anything change the course of the days? Was this a good year? Were there ever any good years? Things changed yet I willed to remain the same when they were not. It is time for me to change and let go of what never was despite how badly I willed and wished it to be.

8 years ago he lied

6 years ago he died

5 years tortured

4 years lowered

3 years weathered

2 years of hope

 More years to cope!

RIP Drew! 

Just ain’t enough!


Without a reason life ain’t worth living

At the end of the day, if one thinks hard enough, this thing, this one time bit at being human, flesh will end.

When confronted with that reality, you can go two ways: accept it and fuck it or make it count.

Making it count comes in different ways. But in the end, it comes to reason or what some call purpose. Someone once told me life doesn’t have to have a purpose. But that’s a partial lie. Whether you wish to be or not to be, you can’t go through it willingly without a sense of purpose.

May it be love, peace, joy, wrapped as causation, no one can make it through without purpose. Thus far, this realization is keeping me sane. As I live in a world that keeps worse and my goals are turned upside down with no happy ending in sight, this and this alone is keeping me here.

It can’t be for me something fleeting. People die, such as children, spouses, friends and family or they can one day just walk out on you. Your job outgrows you or you it. What about politics, values, whatever it is we embrace, fight for or against? In the end, as they sustain they also drain. Just look at every hero or whom we call hero of some sort. To fight for, write with or against, mending change, birthing the new. They too shift. A win here, a loss there or in the hereafter. 

For me, it must be something lasting, something that is beyond me, you and the universe.  Closer and closer I must draw near. Otherwise this is naught to me.

Life is just a piece of shit ain’t it!

Without


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The day we met all I wanted to do was bury my head in your hair. The way you smile as if the waves were singing a soliloquy only you could understand. So beautiful against the sun, your backdrop. If only I could. If only you would. I can’t forget.

 

When last we meet (The eclipse)


 

I sleep late
most nights
hoping you and I
could be

here

ensconced in my bed
we will tell stories
about us
how we used to be
who we were
before we met

speak
about the journey
the road long traveled
to each other

here

I often wonder
what’s taking you so long
you’ve forgotten I’m waiting,
where you are
where you’ll be

When will you come
for me

Is it ever too late for what we wish it ought to be

the days move on
the sun extols a burning soliloquy

it’s the moon that gives it rest
as the stars echo the whispers of the dark,
the sun wants not to hear

shine bright, shine bright when you awake!

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