“Some of the greatest romances of my life have been friendships. And these friendships have been, in many ways, more mysterious than erotic love: more subtle, less selfish, more attuned to kindness.”
It’s Sunday February 25, 2017. The last Sunday of this month. It’s 12:11 pm. My mind is full. The kids aren’t here and the house is empty, just the way I like it. Absent of need, a noise that drives me to suicidal thoughts.
I’ve been holding on so long and I’m empty, nothing to fill my cup but more prayers, waiting on miracles here and there and for purpose. Purpose works, it keeps me busy and my mind vacant.
I am an overthinker. An INTJ to a fault! Everything is mulled over and the worst things, even more so. Often I am faced with them and I need to pour them out or drum them down so they won’t overtake my will, my strength, my sense of positivity…
I’ve learned how difficult it can be to the point I’d invest in almost anything or anyone to empty my mind of thoughts I wish not to dance with. That hasn’t worked out well, often finding myself plunged into despair, an abyss none can endure unless a miracle occurs.
That’s where faith comes in and God, reading the word of God busy-ness, begging him to fill me up so I can be free of what’s burying me.
I have a friend. I enjoy her. She brings me her stories and fills me with thoughts of her, for her. And in those moments, purpose rescues me. I have another friend who is…No words! So much of everything! We are so different but close. He admits to revealing things to me, that he won’t share with his mate for fear of hurting her but finds comfort in telling me. What a gift he gives me!! So unknowingly!!! We speak daily, more than once, keeping at bay the demon inside of me: thought.
Purpose rescues me, fills me. My friends have a need of me that also gives back to me. Reciprocity!!!
I need them as much as they need me. And that’s okay! It is those whose need of me fills me with nightmarish thoughts, a physical need to immerse and eject within me fulfilling their purpose, never my own, them I run away from.
In moments such as this, when my dear friends are taken from me with living and I’ve read the word, cried the tears, searched for God everywhere, yet those thoughts imprison me, I ask myself: “is this it? Is this all that life has to offer me? Am I living my best life? What would my best life be like if this is not enough? Should I accept this as enough?”
I want to run away. Yeah! I would love to go back home and open a business, move back permanently. I would love to use my skills to treat others and teach others the same skills, pass on what I’ve learned.
But in the meantime….what about the meantime?
We make do!
I hold on!