Death and Dying!


Death and dying!

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It’s only day three. I’ve been busy, re-arranging life again. Shifting! You know how the saying goes? “The only certain thing in life is change.”

Ironically enough, this month marks the 10th anniversary when my marriage fell apart and I lost my job. I couldn’t find any and had to move from Southern end to Northern tip, the third State in one year at the time.

It happens when your field is extremely specialized. Openings are rare and few. Imagine! I don’t wish to pack up and move the kids, personally I’m ready to leave, New Zealand, Canada, Maine again, I love Maine. Anywhere but here! Anywhere really! But I won’t want to do that to the kids. I believe they need stability. Those I gave birth to, do. They are saying nothing much but that angst, and the heaviness around the house.

They only have a few more months and it feels like a slow death. Sudden death may be harsh in theory but my God slow and steady feels like skin peeling a bit at a time.

My friends make me laugh. They can’t believe I’m not in bed depressed. But I’ve been functionally depressed for years. That’s my normal. I ran out of tears years ago. This is another curve on the rollercoaster that has been my life these past ten years. In summary: I don’t know what stability feels like. I’ve been living in quicksand and it’s bottomless.

But I’m still breathing.

From where I’m sinking, death is the only ending! I

It’s only day three. I’ve been busy, re-arranging life again. Shifting! You know how the saying goes? “The only certain thing in life is change.”

Ironically enough, this month marks the 10th anniversary when my marriage fell apart and I lost my job. I couldn’t find any and had to move from Southern end to Northern tip, the third State in one year at the time.

It happens when your field is extremely specialized. Openings are rare and few. Imagine! I don’t wish to pack up and move the kids, personally I’m ready to leave, New Zealand, Canada, Maine again, I love Maine. Anywhere but here! Anywhere really! But I won’t want to do that to the kids. I believe they need stability. Those I gave birth to, do. They are saying nothing much but that angst, and the heaviness around the house.

They only have a few more months and it feels like a slow death. Sudden death may be harsh in theory but my God slow and steady feels like skin peeling a bit at a time.

My friends make me laugh. They can’t believe I’m not in bed depressed. But I’ve been functionally depressed for years. That’s my normal. I ran out of tears years ago. This is another curve on the rollercoaster that has been my life these past ten years. In summary: I don’t know what stability feels like. I’ve been living in quicksand and it’s bottomless.

But I’m still breathing.

From where I’m sinking, death is the only ending!

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