It’s 2017. But I feel as if I’m reliving 2007! I can’t even say I’m any wiser or better. Disappointed, yeah! Je suis decue de tout, de tous, de la vie!
I had a house then too. I had a future and yet everything around me was falling apart. Everything we had built: work, marriage, family, future plans.
I was hopeful then and younger, filled with plans and dreams. I knew things couldn’t get any worse. I knew I’d rebound, rebuild, create a living space for my girls, even though I’d be alone. I was dating then, meeting new people, breathing possibilities. What unworthy emotional investments!
I guess some things did change. I showed up. I thought I had made it. In some way I did. Maybe I should take comfort that I did and can again. I don’t want to or care to. I am tired, so so tired. But I must. C’est la vie! The alternative sucks ass. Hey! I’m learning to stop cursing! But what else underlines life but a strong one! Right?
Oh fuck me!
It’s motherfucking 2017. And I am reliving the same fucking shit again!! Hell the fuck no!! Damn it all to hell!
Everything is falling apart. AGAIN! Every fucking thing I created with tears on my pillows, begging God for assistance and strength I knew I didn’t have within me. Got us another home, another new car and made so many plans for and with my daughters. My eldest is a senior next year, can you believe that? We got far, so so close man! I was nearing the finish line.
Yeah! It’s really been ten years gyrating on this same dance floor to different beats life’s deejay decides to play. I don’t dream anymore though nor do I believe in what folks call hope. I still got options. Well you see options are what people call hope in my opinion. I dislike the whole idea of hope. It posits a sense of helplessness when people describe it. People who lack options often are the ones who speak about hope I believe. And without options, it isn’t hope but faith, that something, somewhere, as long as you’re breathing, will come around and right the wrongs. And that faith you see, is based on the evidence that life is founded on change. Maybe you’d adapt to what your mind refuses to accept, your reality or maybe a lightning bolt will reveal avenues you didn’t see before.
That’s what I call a miracle.
Is it really 2017? And I’m still here!!