At this moment!


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I’m quite cognizant of the reality I am facing. I am out of work.

My entire life saving is at stake. Because you know, we save for emergencies like sickness and death but losing a job!! That’s unthinkable! Especially when you’re a single parent. You’re actually barren, financially. You’re not producing. You look and see your savings dwindle. Yes they said six months’ worth! Heck! I even read nine months’ worth! Who in the world can save nine months’ worth of payments, of life!!! I sure don’t know many! And that means when you have nothing coming in, you must dip into a stash you put away for real emergencies. It also means if you don’t get anything soon, the shelter is your next stop and you’re looking at years of dependency and rebuilding! The fuck man!

Supposedly, the job market is bursting and unemployment is at an all time low. So why am I the odd man out? The unemployed? And of course, the one with no one to chip in with an entire house and bills coming in!

So yes, I’m quite fully aware of my present state. Things have to change. Plans modified. Cuts made. And possibly certain bills unpaid just to make it. But at what cost? A credit score painfully rebuilt! A home created by the sweat and tears at a job where racism reigned. And I hung on. Five and a half years of misery trying to save, pay and build. I dared. I dared to say enough that I wanted financial growth, happiness, a place I’d work where I was appreciated. I took one of those great risks in life, has a Coelho bullshit moment how the universe will ducking align with your goals shit you know, one big leap and left a secured steady pay for a chance to do better and build even more for us and I lost. Hey! Can’t say I never risked anything! I think I wrote a book on risk taking, moving places and taking chances. And failed! Michael Jordan what!!! I haven’t won much though I sure can tell you that much. For every risk, a huge set back I can surely attest.

Instead of a move forward I am sinking so fast, below my worst imaginings!!! My God, why do you hate me so?

I feel as if God wants a life of misery for me. I’m tired of explaining to people how difficult it’s been for the past ten years, how much of me has been eradicated as I try to endure every fucking nightmare my life has been for the past ten years.

I can even hear my mom who believes strongly in karma admit how totally unlucky I have been (there goes that karma when the queen can’t even justify your misery with that one liner). We have this Haitian saying “chans ou lou. It means you’re the type of person who is unlucky as fuck. Everything you do ends up hurting you.

That’s me! My life! How it’s been! No winning over here! No sirree!Some Haitians when they notice such about a person often blame it on some evil spirit you need to ward off you so you can get a chance at life to succeed, to win at work and in love.

But I’m not that Haitian. For if I’m to believe this way it will negate the God I do believe in. He says everything is for my good. Well, for the good of those who love him. And I do love God. I do know that no matter how bad it’s been these past ten years, there were times if it weren’t for God i would not have been able to hold on. Yet, still I wait on the good part.

Irony is I’m living the story I dislike in the Bible. Since I was a kid I would get upset at God! Yeah! We talk like that! Samuel’s mom prayed for twelve years for her son and I’d wonder why would God who can do anything and knows one’s heart have someone beg, cry and thought of as crazy for that long? And now I’m in her shoes, just a smaller pair I think, praying for the same things for over a decade. Oh, no! I don’t want a child! God forbid! I’ve had only one prayer for three things in particular and not once has God answered any of them. TEN YEARS!

I’m no Hannah though! I’ve given up on the biggest one and the last two aren’t even for me.

I do realize the life I’m living and what I’m facing. I do understand how life works. Things change. We have ups and downs. What if I told you I’ve only had downs, you wouldn’t believe me though! No one has. That’s why I stop speaking with others about what I’m going through, my health issues, work, life and so on…. They don’t really care, continuously belittling the impact of what you’re going through. They can’t understand. Why should they? How could they? People often ask you to look on the bright side. This being, the “it could be worse” scenario. That’s what they call the bright side or pointing out what is working as if it will negate what isn’t! Maybe it works for some. We all aren’t alike though. I, for one can’t, and am fully aware that each one is important and stands on its own merit. Just because you have food on the table doesn’t mean you have water to drink or can swallow. How will having a pantry filled be beneficial and a blessing when you can’t eat? Tell me that! Feel me? Just because you can run, if you’re blind, you’re still fucking blind? Understand?

So no amount of “it could be worse” will change shit. No amount of it will get easier or better will change the moment. This moment my dear, when my life is taking another downturn and I have no one else to pull me out of it but me, where I MUST for the umpteenth time find the strength to face shit by myself again.

Yeah! I do know what time it is!

 

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