“I am not the same. I’ve been changed, in your glory.”
What a day! What a mighty mighty good day! I have an inkling why it was good. I experienced a bit of security and self control. I dislike feeling powerless, given to the whimsy of life’s fancy.
I woke up with a plan and followed through with most of it. There was a bout of helplessness because what needed to be done demanded a lot I didn’t have to give. I postponed it, as it’s not important thus far.
I know what I want most: stay here, in our cocoon, see things through and this will take humbling steps. But for love I’d do anything!!! And how I love!!!
I’ve learned what commitment means and best believe it’s shitty. No one speaks about the shitty things in life preferring to be lulled and seen as optimistic, hopeful, yadee yaddaday. Thank God they have people like me who rest at reality’s doors. I don’t dwell in such fantasies: hope, wishes, phhht! Those often amount to nothing and I’ve been proved right again today. But I can’t say it because I want her to believe. For her. For me.
My girl is getting her wings back and they got clipped at first try. I don’t want her to lose out. Fantasy land does have its perk. I see all those people laughing even though their smiles don’t actually go past their lips. Or it’s my overthinking mind questioning as I often do, “what are they thinking about as they smile? What life are they living out of sight?” I’m bemused by people. I would love for one of us to be winning at this thing called life. Sure isn’t me, I’m barely holding on. I really don’t want her to end up like me, giving up on humanity. No birds of a feather here! I want her to fly and spread her wings and come back to tell me what a great view it is up there. I do still want to believe, oh! How I really do! So I want this for her and pray so much that she gets it.
Despite the little setbacks, today was an okay day. When you’re running out of meds and Obama care sucks ass, an okay day is to be noted.
I think I’ll complete my diary from now on, write down the okay days, compile a list of how okay this year is or will be!! See I’m a realist! This too shall pass! Nothing lasts babes not even…uhm! map vale l.! 🙂
I’ve figured something out, I’m a God or a beast, maybe a godly beast? I don’t think I’m godly though! Nonetheless I’ve lived alone so long, I don’t need people around to have an okay day. Isn’t that something? 7 years in a city with no friends at all!! Still amazes me!! I used to think that was so weird. I didn’t grow up this way. I had tons of friends. Life took them all away as I spend years living away from family and NO friends.
I learned I don’t like people. They lie! They BS you into oblivion and that used to make me angry. I’m not angry anymore for sure. Shuh! Okay, fine I don’t dislike people. They overwhelm me! I can’t deal with the lies, the pretense, the lack of self awareness and analysis. They give little and believe it’s so much! I can’t deal! The bullshit kills me! I can barely handle folks and then I tune out.
Oddly enough I’m intense in my relations.
As an all or nothing type of gal, I’m either in or out. There’s no in between which also explains why I don’t make friends. My concept of friendship is narrow. All or naught. We can’t be friends and I don’t hear from you or hang out with you a lot and by that I mean a whole damn lot. I speak between three to six days a week with my friends. Anything less and I don’t see us as friends. Acquaintances, ex-lovers, ex-neighbors or ex-classmates, etc but not friends.
Anywho! Life is okay my way! And I so cherish the okay days!
Life makes you then kills you baby!!