I’m conflicted. I am sick and this not just emotionally but physically, it often occurs that my sickness worsens when I have no health insurance. I was telling my friend about the pain and he said to go to the ER but I’d rather die than go into debt. Fist world problem: “how much does your life cost? How much are you willing to pay to stay alive?”. Maybe it’s because I haven’t lives for the past five years if not seven that I really would rather die with the pain than go to a walk-in-clinic to feel better and months later be stuck with a bill just so I can exist?
Maybe if breath had life attached, it would be worth it. I’m worth more dead than alive anyway, my kids would be so much better I could only hope.
This isn’t even the worst of it. I’m confronted with doing things I’d never wanted to do or wished for so I can live out my convictions. You’d think convictions come with certainty but they are tested ever so often. How else will you show integrity if your values, your convictions aren’t tested? In the process you’re defining yourself.
Raising children is purgatory for those who don’t bleed money. At least it is for me. It doesn’t take a village to raise kids, it takes money, the ability to provide them with the necessities. After all they didn’t ask to be here and we owe them. Through pleasure and self adulation we brought them here. Poor men, they were dumped on your lap. Sadly, many men don’t choose when they have children but still are forced to provide. My apologies! I feel for your sense of powerlessness. Heck, we are all given our own troubles! We carry them for a lifetime, you only have 18 years forced upon you.
Mothers raise daughters their dad told me and then added “what would you do if I was dead?” I will remember those words until I die. Raising my daughters is my responsibility that I took on and promised myself they would miss out on nothing if I could help it. Until now! I’m failing them. I’m failing her. My baby needs one more year, one more ass year to graduate in the one school ever where she started. I promised her I’d stick it out and I promised her I would do my worst to gift her the chance to start a school and end at that same school with her friends.
Did I know what that promise would cost? Hindsight is horse’s dung I tell you!
This isn’t just about being physically sick either I wish it were. I’m facing going back to hell so I can keep a promise. Should I break one promise so I can hold on to another? My field is so narrow and my life so ironic. I prayed for a year, fasted and cried so I could leave a place where I suffered greatly. And I did. Now the only place there’s an opening is that place. Worst, it will pay less, a whopping thirty thousand dollars less. Do I take it so I can keep my promise to my child or do I sink further down the pits of hell and do what I consider epic fail, aka anything I was not trained to do to keep my promise? You see, I promised myself I’d never go back to struggling because my mom struggled so I put myself through school and got the highest degree in my field. To find myself struggling is worst than a slap in the face. I sunk so low, exactly where I never wanted to fall. But I refuse to pray or beg to go back to where I suffered for so long. Is it pride? Is it conviction or principles? Am I wrong? Am I being unfair to the girls? Forget fairness, life is never fair. But damn, my choices are shitty.
What do I do? Sink! Eat shit! Beg! Death seems the best option. Either choice and I cheat myself of me, my convictions, my hard work! All for naught! All for naught my God!
This I know! I must keep my promise to my child. I don’t know how nor what it will cost me. My pride? My soul? My heart? My health? My sanity?
Raising children is bittersweet when you’re on your ass I tell you!
Do I do what I in a billion years don’t wish to do, eat my own vomit as in break one conviction so I can keep another? How do I straddle both without betraying who I am?
My kids are my everything, the air I breathe an do my purpose. Failing them is failing me. Our parents are all we have, if I fail them what am I teaching them tomorrow? Everyone else can let us down but it won’t start with me. It shouldn’t start with mom!
I need a miracle! God I need a miracle right now!