Shhh let me tell you a secret. I allowed myself to dream. I went back, way back to the beginning at the exact time I lost my old self. I went to sit beside her when everything around her was falling apart and she was becoming undone. She was growing up and did not know it.
She still is.
By God how naive I must have been! I didn’t know half the things I’ve learned! I was married, with a career, friends, settled, yet still a child. One choice to another and life unraveled all around me sweeping me along. I lost my footing, in what was true, what was real and what was possible.
I was but a child.
I’m not quite where one isn’t as naive as they used to be, having learned about life, humanity, established balance of some sort, regaining footing. Not quite. Most times it feels like I’m reacting to life more than I own my life.
Ten years ago, life was filled with possibilities, what I could do, where I wanted to reach and plans on how to get there. I didn’t realize that I couldn’t will life, mold it to my plans. I’m a strong believer in the power of gumption and the will. Where there’s a will, there is a way. I have learned to concede that there are times no amount of gumption or willpower can get you where you want to go. It’s like my fitness journey. I’m a fitness addict who spent her life seeking a certain look. The closer I got to my goal the more I knew I could will myself to anything, until I came across genetics. I have a boyish frame and will never have hips, the tiny waist to a full bottom ratio. Worst of all, my hormones work against me. The more I worked the less they wanted to shed excess. It’s a conundrum I’m navigating. Balance is the theme. I can get there, but I’ll have to play with genetics and what’s needed to balance my hormones cost money and time. Money doesn’t bring happiness but it sure promotes well being. I can’t will myself into money. That’s when I allow myself to dream, about what I want, what life would be like if I had all the money in the world. Where would I live, what would I do? Do rich people dream about being broke?
The richest and happiest people in the world are those with a roof over their head that no one can take away from them. That’s why there are more rich and happy Haitians in Haiti than Americans in this land of the “free”. Even when you’re done paying a mortgage if you can’t pay the taxes on that house, you will lose it. In Haiti, you have a house and it’s yours forever and ever to be passed down through generations, just make sure you have the papers for the land and don’t leave the property unattended. Everything else will sort itself out when you know where you’ll lay.
A decade ago I knew where I’d go, who I’d come home to, where the next step is, where we are going and how we would get there. 2017 I have no clue. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or who will come to pass through or stay. I plan and get delayed. I build to be erased. I grow to be cut off. No place for silly dreams, no sense of assurance but that “this too shall pass”. Nothing ever stays the same. Happiness flew out of my window. All I was left with was waking up and taking one step at a time, unknowing what will come of the day or the ‘morrow.
I lacked the understanding a decade ago that it matters where I lay. I whispered in her ears “it matters where you lay.”
Security is an important foundation for my state of being. Without, I just exist.
“Amazing love, how can this be…”
What a dream!
“Amazing love, how can this be…”