Seeking the void


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Maybe that’s why people drink or do drugs. They are perfect erasers of emotions, memories, thoughts. For a moment you create this void and become what you are; a being. It is a sensation of emptiness, a coming out of yourself within this shell you’re bound to. We are trying to fill self with absenteeism. Though some say drugs enhance sensations but they do at the expense of others we wish to alter.

My biggest hassle is emptying me of thoughts. I’m a conqueror when I can control myself, free myself of thought, close to happy actually. It can be a heavenly place. My buddy feels everything. Everything people say or do around her, she gets all in her feelings about it. I find her strange. I am the total opposite. I analyze so much before  feel anything. She finds me weird. Yes, I decide what I feel. We can spend hours discussing our differences. We give each other balance, inversing thoughts, adding perspective. She will tel me a story and I will give her tons of alternatives. She will zone in on one, how she feels. That’s odd isn’t it? Is everything about the way we feel or is it about what it is? Have you tried to come outside of yourself and leave whatever interaction as is, a single entity void of who we are, what we bring to it?

I like to hear the way she feels about whatever it is I go through. Am I a robot? Emotions are not what I run to initially for understanding, validation or answers. I can’t rely on feelings, there’s so much more to occurrences than that. Back home they used to call me “san santiman”. It’s meant as an insult, the literal translation is one without feelings, unfeeling, meaning you’re shameless, you have no shame. I guess it’s true in a way. The fact I don’t run to the way I feel about things to make decisions makes me unfeeling to most, eradicates thoughts on shame. I don’t think about consequences to my being, how I’m seen, what others think about what I do or say. It’s about me yet it’s not about me. Does that make sense to you? I go to feelings when I’ve exhausted possibilities, it’s a last resort, a gut check? No, not intuition, more so an animalistic thermometer. Funny right?

I don’t like feelings. They dilute reality. Thoughts do too I guess why some think I’m crazy. I think too much. It’s my power and my weakness. I’ve found a way through. Today was a good day, I controlled my thoughts. I literally spent an entire day controlling my thoughts, placing myself in this cocoon without words, this void. I like it there. How did I do that you ask. No, I wasn’t busy at all. I took things for what they are, exactly what I tell her to do when she gets into her feelings. It works.

Go ahead, try it. Listen to what people say or do, what you read or watch. That’s all it takes. Take everything as it comes for itself. Numbness, that’s the void, it is a happy place, a safe place. We all know it. That’s why we take drugs, drink booze, oh yes! Some meditate and pray. We self medicate to reach the void, that’s womb place. To exist within awareness, to be and blend without affect or imprint.

Interesting ain’t it?

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