The fight within!



I met this kid through my survival, out of desperation job. Kids was high like a kite. One could tell he was moving through a fog. He said he was a heroin addict, one year sober. His demeanor told otherwise. There’s something about chemical addiction many can’t comprehend. The pull! What pulls you to this form of escapism? Where is the mental breakdown, the emotion letdown before one physically becomes possessed by a drug. You love and hate it at the same time. It gives and takes but you can’t let go. You love the high despite the fall, the breakdown you see at times when for a second it doesn’t take a hold of you.

You What do addicts try to escape from or run to through substance? For me, it will be life. Life has no meaning outside of love. Were it not for the love of my children I don’t want to be here. I don’t care to. I am left wondering, too often how people who don’t believe in causality, purpose, the God creation go about living! So you’re here out of a bing and a boom to do what exactly? Just to be? Or for you o define it yourself? Find yourself, make up something and then boom,  in another form of magic, disappear tom where exactly? The earth, the soil? But what if the spirit? What if that breath, your sense of reason, personality, what makes you, unique from the bang and the boom? Where did it go? First, how did it come to be? All these questions unanswered you find comfortable living with. Senseless to me. If we are here by magic and disappear by magic again, what’s the purpose for all this magic? It’s an INTJ trait to seek purpose I guess. In layman terms some of us can’t live without purpose and when there’s none we are lost. We can’t make sense of you bing bang boom folks, you can’t make sense of us the seeekers. Can’t seek if you’re okay with the big picture having no purpose and when you seek purpose, finding none as a seeker you’re lost. Thus, the escapes. Some do so with restraint (filled with distractions physical, emotional alike) and  others disappear within their escapes (addiction). They give away their restraint, preferring o be owned and controlled by something outside of themselves. They give up control, self control. I like the biblical notion that drugs and alcohol are spirits. Spirits have power. You can’t be in control when spirits take over, this one can see through vodou rituals. When you’re possessed, you disappear. You are a vessel for a spirit you have no control over once you allow it in. Open the gate and they’ll overflow.

What of addiction is so attractive? It takes the need for meaning, for something bigger, greater, better. When, if you can’t find it within or around you, it becomes everything to you. Addicts can’t handle what’s given, what is, ergo the need to retreat, give in then call it purpose.