Rarefied feelings (unscrambled thoughts)!


IMG_4904

He said: “I’m proud of you!.” I haven’t heard that in so long. I’ve always been the one to spur me on, motivate myself, be my own cheerleader.

It sure is something!

Coming from someone else, from another. Unexpectedly! He meant it too. It’s unlike some who say things to get things. He meant it. I wanted to mark the moment, scribble it on my pad. I didn’t have any. So I carried that fragile gift of pure sentiment, an innocently given and powerful gift. He saw something good in me. He understood. I’m admired and appreciated. I cried like I usually do when someone touches me with kindness. Not many have been kind to me in my life, especially men. The few who are, often leave me in tears. They break me, peel me raw, heal me. My emotions, my core unveiled and my sadness, soothed.

“I’m proud of you!” Hmmmm this sure is something!

“Fanm vanyan!” He did it again! “Strong woman. Warrior queen!” He sees in me what I’ve taken for granted. I do because I must. I do what should be done. I’m a mother. I’m sinking but I must save the children. So, I do. Humble myself to feed us, protect us, cover us.

He sees me and acknowledged my presence. It’s been days and I’m still crying. He’s helping make me soft again, building up belief. Some men can see, and feel. I’m not something to be used. I’m human and a man can truly see me for me. A man can be honest for honesty’s sake and kind! I’ve forgotten. Please forgive me.

When you’ve spent years embracing people who make you feel wrong, yes wrong, the wrong kind, wrong size, wrong love, wrong person, something inside you is affected. Each blow breaks you. How they say, “you’d never forget how someone makes you feel.” I haven’t. I can’t. I’m still trying though. It’s been years. They’ve moved on to other pawns. I’m trying to forget, heal, build what they’ve broken.

Such a good feeling when you meet people who need nothing from you but presence, and bringing positivity, good vibes all around and about you. Feels kinda good. Breaks you wide open, in a good way and you just don’t know what to make of it but cry. You’ve forgotten how it feels to be appreciated and loved. It feels weird, new.

I carry pain so deep within. It takes years to forget. Someone’s name alone can make me bleed again. Some hurt can’t be forgotten until something greater comes about to minimize it. Research says it takes five positive acts to erase the hurt of one negative. Imagine! Five good to one bad. I’ve had bad after bad after bad in my life. I dint know better. How I wished I could have done something differently, chosen nicer people, those with a good heart. On a psychological scale INTJs are book smart, people dumb! I’m INTJ to the core. Too honest to catch on lies. We can’t comprehend why people lie.

That sole good, harbinger of light can’t come close to erasing all the bad that’s penetrated my being. Men often say “I’m not your ex.” And then they turn around and do the exact same thing or do worse. They use you, insult you, spit you out. Then you meet one exception who can’t understand why he must work so hard to show you how much he cares and how exceptional you are.

It will take five to the multiple times of damage done. That can explain why some women stay single for so long or can’t end up with the good guy. He came too soon, that first one I guess. If she’s lucky but sadly to her suitors, as impossible as it can be, she may meet four more before one sticks. And many will never get that chance, there aren’t enough good men. The odds are against her.

He said “I like your hair.” He’s white. I’m black. Black with red locs, locs my own mother dislikes and many black men disapprove of, Acceptance! Find your kind! Find those who appreciate you for you, those who aren’t trying to change your hair, your weight, your face, your style of dress, your speech. Find them. I know it’s hard. Fine, appreciate them when you do. Write it down. Document the passing. They exist. You’ll need to read it someday when you’re bound to forget. You’re worthy. You’re appreciated for who you are.

“Please, take the long road. I want to speak with you for as long as I can. Here’s my card, call me I’d love to learn more about you.”

“We find you amazing. I’d hire you in a minute if you were in my field.”

“You bubble up on page and in person. Consider it a compliment. You’re one of our strongest candidates to make it this far. You’re smart.”

I’m collecting kind tidbits, positive vibes, feedback. I really need those more in my life, especially now. At this moment! Grateful!

STOP CRYING!

IMG_4896

“Kindness/positive vibes/loving can hurt sometimes
But it is the only thing that makes us feel alive
We keep them in our notes, write them on our blog

We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time’s forever frozen still”

Paraphrasing Ed Sheeran’s lyrics here!

..

 

Advertisements