Let me tell you what I do when I’m feeling lonely or don’t know whether I recall I can still feel or I’ve forgotten how it feels to be held, I have sex.
Yep! After all these years, I felt like having sex or something along that line. I was like: “Girl, do you even remember what that was like?” As usual I was disappointed. Idiots Boys will be boys and girls will be girls I guess. He’s banging away, hurting my uterus and I’m hurting pushing him away. He swears I’m screaming because it hurts. I want to make him think it’s true so I can be done quickly enough to yell at myself for doing this to myself again. The end. That’s it! Badda bing, badda boom, it’s over. I’m back in my corner of the world and I have no idea where he’s at.
I remember the last time I dated hoping it will be more. More, as in I like you, you like me, we will be grown and respectful about this and so on. Well, needless to say, we were not on the same wavelength. In fact, many men nowadays aren’t, especially black men. Le huge sigh! They’d rather lie their way into your panties. Anywho, I won’t rehash this. After a few of these nonsensical connections, and wasteful period of my younger years, I gave up on the traditional route.
I’d get sex when I want to and save these men the bullshit they spew. Mostly save me from the lies. It’s less cumbersome. First time, I wanted to be held. Second time, I had forgotten how to and needed a reminder. Recently, I must say this guy made me feel. I had yet to meet any man who turned me on by his presence as much as he did. Because he made me feel, tingling all over, I wanted to hold on to that feeling you know. God! He brought me back to my early thirties, right after my divorce when I believed the world was filled with nice men who wanted to meet a wonderful woman like me etc. This kid, yes kid! I’ve only been with one man older than me in these past ten years as a divorcee. These kids swear they are mature. Idiot me, I believed them. Hmmm, yeah there are exceptions. No! I’ve met one exception. It’s true, age is not just a number though it can be. I digress.
Imagine! In seven years I had not met one man who turned me on just by sitting across from me. It was all physical. I’m usually turned on by brilliance. I love smart men, poetic, creative men. But this man, sat next to me and I felt my whole body respond. I was shocked and elated. I wasn’t dead! I could still feel. What a gift! That should have been enough! Wanting more never amounts to much around my way. But I’m stubborn. I’m a Virgo. An INTJ at that! We don’t know how to say yes to unknowing. I wanted to hold on to that feeling!
Kid took me to a motel! Geez!! That should have been a clue! A motel!!! I haven’t been to a motel since I was a young buck, nineteen! Yuck! So the enchantment turned to disenchantment. But it’s not the end. I learned a few new things. I can still feel and be physically attracted to a man. I delved in possibility. The second piece of wisdom I gathered is that many women and I’m guilty, allow men to believe banging your uterus is pleasurable. Double yuck!
How do you tell a man who’s busy sweatily hammering on: “yo dawg, this doesn’t feel good, it hurts?” Time to get a man I guess. Then, it would be his job to learn a few things about me. Do they exist? Do men who want to be settled with one woman, who is honest about who they are, smart, single as in not craving for another while playing with your feelings, are unmarried, not living with their baby mama, sexy exist? I haven’t found any in ten years, forgive me if I’m asking!
PS: I think I need another few years to recoup from bad sex, non? A woman I admire on FB wrote recently that she doesn’t give herself to anyone, she takes sex seriously. Girl please! You think others don’t take sex seriously? Give me a break!! We all want the kind of sex we dream about, but many don’t find the one they can have it with. We all want the best of everything, most often than not we settle. That’s why we have dreams, goals. If we all had what we wanted or work for, we will have nothing to dream about. Do you stop eating because you don’t have caviar! Do you give up on sex just because you don’t have anyone? Had I done that, I would have not had sex in ten years! I haven’t met one good candidate, aka true boyfriend material in all these years. Do folks really believe a good man is around the corner for every woman? I must be blind then because I am aware of a lot of women who are single and lonely. What’s a woman to do who can’t find a good man but likes sex or enjoys being held to do? It’s a trend I hear nowadays, become bisexual? Hmmm Do tell! Life iccurs between wanting and getting, Life is in the dash.