I won’t tell you this!


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The older I get, the scarier it becomes. I’ve been holding the fort on my own far too long. The kids are leaving soon. We’ve moved so often and I am disconnected. What they say is true you know. You make friends when you’re young and then grow with them. If you’re lucky that is. I lost my friends at the same time my marriage went asunder. I haven’t been able to connect that much with so many since, though I do love the one true friend I do have. We are over ten years apart, some negotiations had to be made and she lives far away from me.

Despite the distance, we manage to see each other at least once a year and speak a few times a week, for hours. I’m thankful for her. I really am. I’m thankful for my male friends as well, but… There is a but with male friends. Most men who are your friends have difficulty navigating emotional connections. Yes, they may love you, care for you but once they have a woman it just won’t or can’t be how it used to be. You will feel and know you’re only getting a piece of what you’re used to getting. They can’t help it. Their partners won’t allow it and if they love her, truly, they won’t jeopardize that over you. And you should know that too, accept it. After all, how many women would be comfortable with their men having extremely close platonic female friends! We think it’s an oxymoron. Most men can’t and the honest ones would tell you that as well that if they get a chance they will sleep with that friend in a second. Rarely has that line not been crossed in the past or the thought of crossing it never crossed their minds. They are men, heterosexual men at that! They’re wired to their little head. It takes many years, lots of maturity and experiences to veer their attention to the mental over the physical. Though I have a few, they can’t be there for me in ways I’d need their support.

As the years go by, it’s getting lonelier and lonelier. Time is passing and my days are being emptied of duty. I am busier though, go figure. I’m holding two jobs to make p foe the best job I’ve ever had. I barely have time to breathe or think. I can’t see my kids as I wish, they are too busy to want to anyway. They are teenagers. A mom is there but not needed. They’re delving into the world, filled with possibilities and I must learn to let them, let them go, learn, get hurt, trust I’ve done a great job and their parting, they will look back knowing I’m there and I’ll always love them.

I won’t tell you how these changes don’t amount to anything that feels good, that’s for my good. It’s a thing, another change I must live through as I keep asking myself “what’s the alternative? Is this it? After ten years? All this praying and fasting? For this? Is this all there really is? Why is this worth going through? What’s the alternative?”

I’m happy I’ve been busy. The great news: I don’t have time to overthink. I’m too bust going through the motions of survival to ponder. In the few seconds a week I’m not busy, I am numbing myself to the feeling of failure, despise, anger and disappointment I’m trying to not overtake my mind. I know, I’m angry. I am hurt. I am so disappointed and feeling so ashamed. Worse, I’m feeling I shouldn’t be feeling this way which then brings on a sense of guilt. I have too big a conscience. When you do, you’re cornered between accountability and guilt.

On the bright side I keep telling myself, surely it can’t get any worse than this! I say it in disbelief but as a mantra, a prayer, a yearning. I’m ashamed I still want what is good, what is better. I should have learned by now that prayer begets not a thing nor does fasting wishing, yearning, begging, working. God, the universe at play and I’m just a pawn. I’m caught between good and evil. My greatest asset and Achilles heel: the will to win.

I’m an idiot aren’t I? How can you win at a game you don’t know the rules to or did not create? I want to curse so bad. I’m back at being good aka trying not to you know.

Tell me it’s all a joke! I won’t tell you or ask though. It’s aight. I’m gonna be okay. I think. Dear God! Don’t tell me it will get worse than this! When will it ever get better!!!

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