Can we ever want too much when too much is happiness?
You know how it is when you go to a museum and gawk at a piece or when you can stare into the ocean mesmerized?
Well, this has been the past purple of years of my life. I’m tuned in and without. I’ve had that experience before and often try to contain it, It feels I’m living outside of my head and body. I feel on certain days, my spirit hanging over my body watching me, in third party mode. Does that make sense? The scariest moments are when I feel it wishes to escape higher, pass the threshold when I become aware of me, her, it, hovering around. I’m still in charge and call her out, back when we once more become one, within this shell and I’m back to me, fully, somewhat contained. At this point I try to forget what had occurred.
I wake up some days and look in the mirror and she steps out again, she, watching me and me watching her. I’m uncomfortable. No one talks about out of body experiences when they are awake, always when they’re asleep. But what if I try not to control it and move to phase 2?
What’s phase two though? The unknown scares most of us. It serves as shelter and enclosure. We limit possibility.
I am aware of this guy who used to be unhappy, not yet reaching potential once upon a time. Now I watch him, basking in what is. Potential to teem is beautiful, empowering! It fills you with certainty, gives you a sense that you matter, you’re great, all that and so on. He’s living life. I mean he is looking happy, certain of who he is, and his future. I look upon him as I look upon my soul’s escapes, transfixed.
I wonder when last I lived that kind of life. Gosh! I was in my 20s then. From 33 on, it’s all been about me, unraveling. What do I know for sure? What am I confident about? Where did they all go? I can pinpoint when it started, but can’t predict when it will stop either. When will I be me again, fully contained, self-owned, filled with certainty and confident in how my life is and where it’s going?
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could will ourselves to stability and certainty? I mean wow!
That’s my kryptonite: control. I live to control myself, what affects me, circumstances, life. And we are at war now. Life is beating me over the head showing me who is boss.
Do you know the Bible says that “people’s lives are not their own, it is not for them to direct their steps”?
I read that recently and cognitive dissonance took a hold of me. I’m marred to these concepts: self-awareness, will power, God’s freedom, and this biblical quote.
Thoughts: my friend, my enemy, my prison, my escape
Shalom! Wherever you are