Every year for the past ten years, I made a point to go out on NYE. I did so because I didn’t believe the holidays should be spent alone, especially on that day. I did not grow up in a bubble. The holidays were always a huge celebration in our household. From Thanksgiving on, it was festive, diners, brunches, breakfasts between houses, friends and family. It was just what we did just like going to church on NYE, welcoming the New Year with the brethren, have the Haitian celebratory soup joumou, a reminder of our Independence Day.
When my life changed 11 years ago and I was living away from friends and family, my kids spending time with their dad as stated on our divorce decree, I kept up with being busy. Lunch, breakfast, dinner alone but out and about, definitely not at home. For years I would get tickets to events I would attend so that when the clock shifted to midnight I wouldn’t be alone. I wasn’t yet I was, amongst strangers whose names I did not know or some random single guy dancing in a night club. But this year, this 11th year I’ve accepted how none of these rituals ever changed the most important issue, I was alone, no friends nor family to celebrate with. No matter how much I believe each year things would change that it would be the last time, the next year I will be with those I loved, it never did. That’s the reality I needed to face and learn to navigate.
I will not lull myself into the land of pretense. I even created those stupid vision boards you know. Hilarious! Didn’t work. Did the meetups and the social network, dating sites too. Nothing worked. Not one darn thing. There is a new tradition this year.
Year 11, I will be in bed, sound asleep and will wake up as I usually did and go about my day. Did anything change the course of the days? Was this a good year? Were there ever any good years? Things changed yet I willed to remain the same when they were not. It is time for me to change and let go of what never was despite how badly I willed and wished it to be.
8 years ago he lied
6 years ago he died
5 years tortured
4 years lowered
3 years weathered
2 years of hope
More years to cope!