Splitting the sea!


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Ever faced your worst nightmare and greatest fear?
We often don’t speak them out loud but we walk with them with every run towards a goal.
We don’t reach to attain as much as we reach to constrain: fear, nightmares, storms. We want what we want and wish not for what we want not.
A few months ago I was one of them, working hard, running away from my greatest fears. Despite all that I wished and worked for, my greatest fears came to pass. Hence, I now know that no matter how much how strive, what will be will be!! Life happens no matter how much we plan!
I’ve lived through divorce, separation, rejection, loneliness, slowness, without friends or companionship, lost and rebuilt my credit (my credit score is my husband I swear), being fired, taking any type of jobs despite being too highly educated, being broke, becoming dependent, having to ask for help. Oh! The storms I’ve been through!!! The worst things I could ever imagine would happen to me that I worked to never happen to me!!
Weather folks put the scare of hell on our doorstep before Irma. My babies were looking at me for direction, what to do, where to go. If you’ve ever been broken down to your last bit of willpower you’ll understand how little you have in you to give. Children can’t grasp that. They look upon you to adult, provide, guide. Who cares where you get your strength, will or guidance!!! You must rise when needed.
I feared not Irma or the potential damage to material goods. I’ve weathered through too many of the unimaginable for that. If my babies could make it unharmed, we would be okay and even if God willed for them or me not to make it through, it would also be okay as well. That’s the direction I could give them and did. Stay where we are and handle what is! There’s no greater form of maturity than ownership. Owning your moment, the time, your actions, your present and future. Own them all. Face the storm!
We were not to imagine what could be or fear what could go wrong but accept whatever comes. Whatever will be, will be and it’s okay no matter what. We ought not to fight against the odds set against us but shoulder the hardships, the downfall, the breakdowns yet keep moving on. I won’t even call them setbacks, but “presents”. Rhe presebt is all therr is baby. Worry not about tomorrow for tomorrow will be its own “presence.”
Occurrences, good or bad should be handled like the air we breathe. After all its not what happens to us that makes us but how we handle what life throws at us.
In these past few years I have learned no matter how difficult the hardship, have no fear. Fear doesn’t change what is, modify what will be or solve anything at all.
The gift for year 2017: I’m no longer a slave to fear. No matter the outcome Imma be okay. It’s not for me to like or dislike what happens, it’s up to me to make what I wish with the “present”.
Shabbat shalom!!

 

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Lessons and correlations


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I don’t like to ask anyone for help. I’d rather starve, suffer or die than ask anyone for help. At times, I had to and it killed me more having to ask. Being helpless, feeling helpless and needy aren’t comfortable for me.

Some call it ego, a weakness, the inability to give in and depend on others. As usual I gave it thought and for every perceived weakness I wish to abate. I read the books, listened to all the advise and conceded that I should learn to ask for help. We all need people sometimes, don’t we? Even though I would only accept help if blind, deaf or so sick that I had to to survive. There’s something humbling about raising kids alone. Because if them I had to seek help from people. I’d be quite particular as well, often asking from those who purport they care. As in my world, caring is giving, being there, standing by me, filling in, protecting and providing. I didn’t like it not one bit even from those who said they care. There’s something about needing others, “c’est un fardeau, un joug au dos”. I find I must in turn repay the deed, make good someday. After all, love is reciprocity which in itself is a debt, an “I owe you” even though we try to convince ourselves it’s not. We must return in kind. C’est la loi de la bienfaisance.

Storm prep day, I’m busy securing the premises. I have an impact proof garage door that must be disengaged first before activating the secured system for 100+mph winds. I don’t have the manual. Browsing google and YouTube did not yield much info but I must protect my hearts, my babies. Do you know how heavy an impact double garage doors are!!! I sweated it out fir an hour, finally disengaging to manual. Planner that I am I needed to verify I could renegade the monitor for after the storms. I spent another hour to no avail. It was sticky. I was dirty, sweaty, tired. The office was closed for storm prep. I couldn’t reach anyone. Finally I gave up, spending hours thinking how much it would cost me to bring someone in to fix something that I disengaged. I was upset at myself and depressed.
I get on FB and here’s this angel posting how she and her husband were open to helping anyone in need, and not to worry to reach out to them.

That was my chance! I will not be weak and not ask for help like in the past. So, I respond that I was needing help with my door, not before the storm but afterwards and hoping they will remember and put me on their waiting list. I waited for a response, proud that I was not being prideful, seeking help, showing vulnerability. She replies: “Oh! That sounds complicated!!”

I died.

Imagine someone who never asks for help reading such a response!!! I went to bed and in my sleep I was thinking about the garage door, I wake up bright and early in the storm, stood on my small ladder, lifted that heavy door and latched to every hook I could see until I heard a click. I knew I fixed it. I pushed the motor and it worked!!!

Lessons:
Don’t ask for help unless your child’s life depends on it.
Never expect people to keep their word.
People meet you at their level, hardly where you’re at.
Someone may have a good heart, a willingness to help, but their capacity may be lacking.
Be specific about what you can help people with.
Try to help even if it is by finding someone who can do what you can’t.
Don’t answer in a way that would hurt their feelings, for you never know how much it took for them to ask you.
I can do many things if I do not give up. Persevere.

May Irma make us stronger! Shalom!

Shout out to all the men that stand!


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Difficult times define character.

I am a person stuck in details. The minutiae excite me. They do particularly when they are consistent. However, there are times, extraordinary instances, absent of consistency when details give me a feeling of warmth as well.

In these moments, I behold the men who saw not themselves, the slights of time but come through for the greater good. By coming through I speak about doing, not reaching. To these men, men weakened by pain caused by divorce, baby mama drama, losses that made them run away I will say I applaud you for showing up. It is never too late to DO what is right.

For doing, in doing, I want you to know, I see you. Some of us see you and thank you.

To the brother who left his job in a snow storm while going through a nasty divorce to go to the woman’s home to shovel the snow before the children got home with their mom. I see you!

To the brother whose baby mama refuses to let him see his kids despite having shared custody, yet sent his friends to board up her house and bring food for them during the hurricane, I see you.

To the brother who was so hurt his wife left him and took the house, the children and the money they had in the bank to be with his best friend, who stopped all contact thereafter yet manages to call before the hurricane to make sure the children need of nothing, to hear their little voices and reassure them he loves them. It’s a first step, keep it up. I see you. Keep trying!

To the brother who is not working but came to board up windows, install shutters because his kids live there although he can’t afford to pay his back child support. I see you.

To the brother who got the flashlight, rain coats, life vest, batteries, charcoal, a generator and dropped them off so his children will be without a thing during the storm. I see you.

To the man who loves you so much he had a generator delivered to your home so you’ll be okay in the storm, and thereafter, although he is not with you. I see you.

I acknowledge these men, sometimes at fault, mostly misunderstood who are growing into wisdom, learning what caring and love mean.

Love is putting the other before our pain.

There’s no greater love than loving your children. Protecting and providing are a part of love. You can’t use words like love and these two are missing in the equation. You don’t have to be rich to provide or physically strong to protect. Most of all, don’t do these for others, for ego or compliment. Do them because of love, because you love.

Even when your children have been trained not to love you, have heard disparaging things about you, when they grow up, they’ll start to understand all the ways you did show up. And the men who love and protect the one they love, not a child, but the one who has your heart even when you’re not together, when you show up in ways that provide and care, it means a lot.

It is men like you who lessen the mistrust I’ve developed regarding men. It’s men like you who have me believing that not all men are bad. Your actions matter. You matter to us, those you may not see or notice. Thank you, thank you! These things make you a good loving man.

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In the nether regions of aloneness


 

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Lack of a strong support system (emotional, psychological and financial)

We all need one. Even loners will attest, there are times when they need refueling. We,human beings are not meant to be alone, live lone, do alone for too long. This explains the success of social platforms. Loners, introverts, demand it. Though exhausted by what they feel can be too much or overpowering, they too need interaction whether it is for steam, to break boredom, sullenness, break fast from people. We need people in our lives.

To live alone, be alone in the midst of others is a happy medium for those who eschew contact with others. This could stem from past pain, mistrust caused and developed along the way. It could just be who we are, not liking people much or socializing much. No matter the tale, the time will come when we need people.

Do it long enough, and you can, I have and this for years and years, you will then reach a point where you must let go, need to let go as carrying the world, responsibilities on your shoulder on your own for too long will be a burden under which you will fall.

How do you build support in a world so selfish where everyone is busy taking from another and not giving and few, really few give but not what you need and hardly when you need it?

How do you make do when you have nothing left in you?

They say tears wash away the pain, but the hurt my dear stains. Tattooed on your psyche, poached, your core what more can they do?

When last we meet (The eclipse)


 

I sleep late
most nights
hoping you and I
could be

here

ensconced in my bed
we will tell stories
about us
how we used to be
who we were
before we met

speak
about the journey
the road long traveled
to each other

here

I often wonder
what’s taking you so long
you’ve forgotten I’m waiting,
where you are
where you’ll be

When will you come
for me

Is it ever too late for what we wish it ought to be

the days move on
the sun extols a burning soliloquy

it’s the moon that gives it rest
as the stars echo the whispers of the dark,
the sun wants not to hear

shine bright, shine bright when you awake!

L. 08/20/17 2345

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