When last we meet (The eclipse)


 

I sleep late
most nights
hoping you and I
could be

here

ensconced in my bed
we will tell stories
about us
how we used to be
who we were
before we met

speak
about the journey
the road long traveled
to each other

here

I often wonder
what’s taking you so long
you’ve forgotten I’m waiting,
where you are
where you’ll be

When will you come
for me

Is it ever too late for what we wish it ought to be

the days move on
the sun extols a burning soliloquy

it’s the moon that gives it rest
as the stars echo the whispers of the dark,
the sun wants not to hear

shine bright, shine bright when you awake!

L. 08/20/17 2345

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On humanity and people gazing


 

IMG_4972At the root of all cruelty (violence, wars, abuses, crimes): humanity. It owes not faith, or loyalty to anything or anyone but self. . Humanity knows no boundaries than those erected by circumstance. Me!

Religion is not the root of evil, humans are. Let’s erase humans!

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I enjoy watching people, how they behave, what they say. I do, because they’re fodder for my thoughts. I analyze people more than they probably spend time analyzing themselves.

Why? Well, I seek perspective. I bask in differences. Differences define life, and experiences. I find beauty in those unlike me d am fascinated as to how we end up with different views, beliefs, ways of doing things. Instead of enhancing otherness or causing separation. Differences bring me closer to others. I become more curious and interested in knowing. Knowledge of the unknown moves me.

I’m left askance by those who use differences as basis for denigrating others. Many build their ethics and raise them up as mirror for others. I avoid such, the idea, the act, those who behave this way. They can cause such harm.

I must say, the older I get, the more vulnerable I’m becoming to imposition of ideas and ideals. I used to fight these but now I feel hurt by them, sensing cruelty, intent to harm. Why can’t we just beans let others do the same?

Worse, some take pleasure in what’s seen or not in the mirrors they erect! Dear God, may I not do the same!!!

 

PS: I love you more when we are apart! But I can’t tell whether I love you or am fascinated by who you are. I take joy in all that you do and are, but from afar. Maybe it’s me, you’re more beautiful in the prism of my mind than by touch. Beholding is what I do best. Lol #twarped #INTJ

Experiences and time shifting


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Can we ever want too much when too much is happiness?

You know how it is when you go to a museum and gawk at a piece or when you can stare into the ocean mesmerized?

Well, this has been the past purple of years of my life. I’m tuned in and without. I’ve had that experience before and often try to contain it, It feels I’m living outside of my head and body. I feel on certain days, my spirit hanging over my body watching me, in third party mode. Does that make sense? The scariest moments are when I feel it wishes to escape higher, pass the threshold when I become aware of me, her, it, hovering around. I’m still in charge and call her out, back when we once more become one, within this shell and I’m back to me, fully, somewhat contained. At this point I try to forget what had occurred.

I wake up some days and look in the mirror and she steps out again, she, watching me and me watching her. I’m uncomfortable. No one talks about out of body experiences when they are awake, always when they’re asleep. But what if I try not to control it and move to phase 2?

What’s phase two though? The unknown scares most of us. It serves as shelter and enclosure. We limit possibility.

I am aware of this guy who used to be unhappy, not yet reaching potential once upon a time. Now I watch him, basking in what is. Potential to teem is beautiful, empowering! It fills you with certainty, gives you a sense that you matter, you’re great, all that and so on. He’s living life. I mean he is looking happy, certain of who he is, and his future. I look upon him as I look upon my soul’s escapes, transfixed.

I wonder when last I lived that kind of life. Gosh! I was in my 20s then. From 33 on, it’s all been about me, unraveling. What do I know for sure? What am I confident about? Where did they all go? I can pinpoint when it started, but can’t predict when it will stop either. When will I be me again, fully contained, self-owned, filled with certainty and confident in how my life is and where it’s going?

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could will ourselves to stability and certainty? I mean wow!

That’s my kryptonite: control. I live to control myself, what affects me, circumstances, life. And we are at war now. Life is beating me over the head showing me who is boss.

Do you know the Bible says that “people’s lives are not their own,  it is not for them to direct their steps”?

I read that recently and cognitive dissonance took a hold of me. I’m marred to these concepts: self-awareness, will power, God’s freedom, and this biblical quote.

Thoughts: my friend, my enemy, my prison, my escape

Shalom! Wherever you are

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INTJ-The curse, same remedy!


 

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It isn’t that I’m lonely as much as I’m alone. The weeks aren’t getting easier. I’m weakened by the effort of making the best of things so we may hot fall under. Yet, I’m counting the days in the back of my mind when freedom will open her arms.

No one understands, not even my mama who for a fact does love me, I’m burdened by duty. I’m tied by loyalty. I don’t want to fuck up. Not anymore. Not now. Not ever. I want to be free though.

Being practical the next recourse is a move for elevation. It kills me that I’m held back and down.

I spent the morning drowning in my tears, screaming to the skies and above. Someone asked if I’m okay.

Don’t do that! Who goes to a stranger sharing tales? Who does that, especially when you already know you’re a rare breed and no one will understand!!!!

On the bright side, I’m not analyzing what’s going on. I’m too busy drowning for thought. I find myself wishing karma exited though. But I know I’m just fooling myself into oblivion.

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Past tense (play on words)


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They called us addicts though we both know, it’s air. The air we breathe to receive when they’ve long settled less for. We’d inhale a release as we exhale to forget. Together, we were breath and you then took the easy route. An exit I’ve yet to follow.

Tell me why! We both know life rolls too fast as we go in slow and steady.

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If I could wind back time I’d go to the days I did not know you. How you’d never know the great disturbance you are! I don’t enjoy weekends anymore. Now, I seek the days when my mind is at rest, as I burn the end of two candles.

What have you done of my senses? To bequeath what can’t be kept? Ignorance surely is bliss when bliss settles after your passing. Mondays can’t get here fast enough. There’s no living in waiting. Rest quickens thirst. The longing in my bosom, the swelling of my lids and the palm around my neck!!

What have you done!

PS: I miss what I don’t have as I learn to define what I value. Life is something, it gives the greatest joy but without knowledge. And then it takes it all away for you to learn its worth. (Don’t miss me when I’m gone!! A sweet refrain. If only I knew what I know now.)

Shalom!

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Once an addict, always an addict, it’s the source that shifts!!!