Break-up to make-up again and again


 

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INTJ here or inhuman, lacking emotion.

What’s at the root of differences, differing opinions? I can’t tell but they are vacuous and rampant.

Public displays of affection so prominent leave me askance, more when it comes to term. Despite my appreciation of love publicly claimed and I mean a deep appreciation of such, there’s a caveat. I hold the players responsible for the aftermath. It usually comes to roost.

Tell me nowadays how many people stay together till death and do so happily? Not many! Maybe that’s why I admire love, lovers, how they do, those who can show love, proudly, publicly, unashamed in the vitriol. It is not that there is anything to be ashamed about. They take pleasure in the other so much so they don’t mind letting the world know about it, it’s a beautiful thing.

There are some who are not as bold, they give hints that someone has touched them, that they’re loved and loving. They put out little notes, pictures taken lovingly, with a toe here or a finger there of the beloved, unsure whether to even hint they’re happy and loving or happily loved and they like it. Those are the cautious ones, the ones who realize how precious and precarious a state love is of late. Yet they can’t hide it and bask so subltly as only love you enjoy does. Love is a light. You can’t hold it down or  cover it up. It leaks through everything ou come in contact with.

It’s like being on x. The thrill spills, unabashed.

And then there’s the kind of love, so deeply felt as some think that the lovers seem not to be able to part ways yet can’t seem to stick together for too long either. A wave and they fade away. A burn and they melt. They’re inconsistently loving and call it passion, Breaks occur ever so often once or more a year. This goes on and on and on, sometimes for decades. They’re addicted to each other they say, but what others see is an addiction to trouble and pain, a lack of growth and maturity, as well as lack of ownership of self, of time. Uhm, maybe not others, just me.

What the fuck is this all about? You’re over 30 (the beginning stage of grow the fuck up in my world, aka my head) and you waste years breaking up and making up over the same stupid shit or different little pieces of karkar!!! What are you getting out of this push and pull besides drama and trauma?!

I digress! My apologies dear friend (Mr, Robot, hint hint. If you know this I think I love you for the nerd you are, a piece of me.)!

Those lovers, so addicted to the chaos of each other, unwilling to let go, move the fuck on, will spend days on end sending hints about love lasting forever (psychopathy) and missing you subtleties…then one day one of them starts to date someone else (sexual needs demand it). How in the world can the other trust your love now? Here you were for years on social media, and to anyone you knew wallowing in longing so deep over someone you could never last long with like a yoyo and now you want us to believe this one is true or has a chance with you, that you’re able to rehabilitate?

Issues! (Love that song by the way). I got them aplenty. So here goes, when a man has spent years crying over pathological love and comes after me, I can’t trust you. Claiming someone as your love publicly means the world to me, especially coming from men, creatures with wandering lusts. For a man in my view to claim you in pictures and words is the ultimate connectedness and attachment. So no, unless that chick is 💀 I know you’ll not be loving me better or as deeply and that chica will always have a hold on you and you may have not matured sufficiently to make her take several seats if we ever cross paths with her and she will know she had and will always have you like that, whooped and tied to her tatas and nanny. No other woman should have that much power over my man but me.

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Maybe this title should be “1 millionth reason why I’m still single.” Weirdo! That’s me! 😂😁

🤢

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On humanity and people gazing


 

IMG_4972At the root of all cruelty (violence, wars, abuses, crimes): humanity. It owes not faith, or loyalty to anything or anyone but self. . Humanity knows no boundaries than those erected by circumstance. Me!

Religion is not the root of evil, humans are. Let’s erase humans!

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I enjoy watching people, how they behave, what they say. I do, because they’re fodder for my thoughts. I analyze people more than they probably spend time analyzing themselves.

Why? Well, I seek perspective. I bask in differences. Differences define life, and experiences. I find beauty in those unlike me d am fascinated as to how we end up with different views, beliefs, ways of doing things. Instead of enhancing otherness or causing separation. Differences bring me closer to others. I become more curious and interested in knowing. Knowledge of the unknown moves me.

I’m left askance by those who use differences as basis for denigrating others. Many build their ethics and raise them up as mirror for others. I avoid such, the idea, the act, those who behave this way. They can cause such harm.

I must say, the older I get, the more vulnerable I’m becoming to imposition of ideas and ideals. I used to fight these but now I feel hurt by them, sensing cruelty, intent to harm. Why can’t we just beans let others do the same?

Worse, some take pleasure in what’s seen or not in the mirrors they erect! Dear God, may I not do the same!!!

 

PS: I love you more when we are apart! But I can’t tell whether I love you or am fascinated by who you are. I take joy in all that you do and are, but from afar. Maybe it’s me, you’re more beautiful in the prism of my mind than by touch. Beholding is what I do best. Lol #twarped #INTJ

Experiences and time shifting


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Can we ever want too much when too much is happiness?

You know how it is when you go to a museum and gawk at a piece or when you can stare into the ocean mesmerized?

Well, this has been the past purple of years of my life. I’m tuned in and without. I’ve had that experience before and often try to contain it, It feels I’m living outside of my head and body. I feel on certain days, my spirit hanging over my body watching me, in third party mode. Does that make sense? The scariest moments are when I feel it wishes to escape higher, pass the threshold when I become aware of me, her, it, hovering around. I’m still in charge and call her out, back when we once more become one, within this shell and I’m back to me, fully, somewhat contained. At this point I try to forget what had occurred.

I wake up some days and look in the mirror and she steps out again, she, watching me and me watching her. I’m uncomfortable. No one talks about out of body experiences when they are awake, always when they’re asleep. But what if I try not to control it and move to phase 2?

What’s phase two though? The unknown scares most of us. It serves as shelter and enclosure. We limit possibility.

I am aware of this guy who used to be unhappy, not yet reaching potential once upon a time. Now I watch him, basking in what is. Potential to teem is beautiful, empowering! It fills you with certainty, gives you a sense that you matter, you’re great, all that and so on. He’s living life. I mean he is looking happy, certain of who he is, and his future. I look upon him as I look upon my soul’s escapes, transfixed.

I wonder when last I lived that kind of life. Gosh! I was in my 20s then. From 33 on, it’s all been about me, unraveling. What do I know for sure? What am I confident about? Where did they all go? I can pinpoint when it started, but can’t predict when it will stop either. When will I be me again, fully contained, self-owned, filled with certainty and confident in how my life is and where it’s going?

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could will ourselves to stability and certainty? I mean wow!

That’s my kryptonite: control. I live to control myself, what affects me, circumstances, life. And we are at war now. Life is beating me over the head showing me who is boss.

Do you know the Bible says that “people’s lives are not their own,  it is not for them to direct their steps”?

I read that recently and cognitive dissonance took a hold of me. I’m marred to these concepts: self-awareness, will power, God’s freedom, and this biblical quote.

Thoughts: my friend, my enemy, my prison, my escape

Shalom! Wherever you are

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INTJ-The curse, same remedy!


 

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It isn’t that I’m lonely as much as I’m alone. The weeks aren’t getting easier. I’m weakened by the effort of making the best of things so we may hot fall under. Yet, I’m counting the days in the back of my mind when freedom will open her arms.

No one understands, not even my mama who for a fact does love me, I’m burdened by duty. I’m tied by loyalty. I don’t want to fuck up. Not anymore. Not now. Not ever. I want to be free though.

Being practical the next recourse is a move for elevation. It kills me that I’m held back and down.

I spent the morning drowning in my tears, screaming to the skies and above. Someone asked if I’m okay.

Don’t do that! Who goes to a stranger sharing tales? Who does that, especially when you already know you’re a rare breed and no one will understand!!!!

On the bright side, I’m not analyzing what’s going on. I’m too busy drowning for thought. I find myself wishing karma exited though. But I know I’m just fooling myself into oblivion.

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Past tense (play on words)


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They called us addicts though we both know, it’s air. The air we breathe to receive when they’ve long settled less for. We’d inhale a release as we exhale to forget. Together, we were breath and you then took the easy route. An exit I’ve yet to follow.

Tell me why! We both know life rolls too fast as we go in slow and steady.

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If I could wind back time I’d go to the days I did not know you. How you’d never know the great disturbance you are! I don’t enjoy weekends anymore. Now, I seek the days when my mind is at rest, as I burn the end of two candles.

What have you done of my senses? To bequeath what can’t be kept? Ignorance surely is bliss when bliss settles after your passing. Mondays can’t get here fast enough. There’s no living in waiting. Rest quickens thirst. The longing in my bosom, the swelling of my lids and the palm around my neck!!

What have you done!

PS: I miss what I don’t have as I learn to define what I value. Life is something, it gives the greatest joy but without knowledge. And then it takes it all away for you to learn its worth. (Don’t miss me when I’m gone!! A sweet refrain. If only I knew what I know now.)

Shalom!

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Once an addict, always an addict, it’s the source that shifts!!!