Wisdom: Life has no meaning


IMG_4918

 

Where to go from here!

I don’t know what to do. No amount of tears can help me know which option would be best. Neither have prayers worked. No one comes around explaining visions, drawing plans, explaining things. This is one aspect of aloneness, of growing up we hard,y talk about. Every choice has a consequence but each stems from circumstance and will. Some sum this as fortitude of mishaps. The outcome tells the tales.

Where do we go from here? What do I do next? Am I capable? It doesn’t matter whether I want to or not. A decision must be made and I have the honor of making the best decision that will yield security and growth. That’s what I did with every step I made. I made a choice, opted for a way that I believed would yield to better, greater things. I based them on well thought out possible outcomes and prayers. Not one step was taken without asking for guidance. And when they lead to pain and more pain I go to him, to God who promised he will steer the boat if I made him captain. This is not to excuse weaknesses along the way. I seek answers from wisdom. I read and prayed some more. As I come to the belief and acceptance that life is meaningless, all of this is just plain meaningless, I come across the sayings of one of the wisest biblical kings:

Ecclesiastes 1New International Version (NIV)
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”
3
What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?
4
Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.
5
The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.
6
The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.
7
All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.
8
All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9
What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.
1
King Solomon

You wake up work, sleep and go on repeat. You gill your days with items of forgetting, trying to lighten up your days. You cry, you dance and then you die. No matter how rich or poor you will experience pain, uncertainty, loss and no one knows where they’re going, except they know one thing for sure, that they are here and must define for themselves how to give being meaning. But in the end, no matter what anyone does, life truly has no meaning. It’s happenstance in a dance for some and it’s purpose for another. Nonetheless, no matter how you fill your days you work towards one sole purpose, however some refer to it whether it is happiness, joy, contentment, but truly meaning. We all seek to matter, make breath count, seize the day, create memories. It doesn’t matter though. Life doesn’t give a damn about you and neither do folks around you unless it serves to give theirs meaning.

IMG_4917

Where do I go from here when meaning is lacking, when every decision to promote such a thing takes me further from the goal? I don’t know. I really don’t know where. I have learned however that whatever choice I make I’ll have to learn to handle the consequences. I err my way to the end, carry my cross as joyfully as one is taught to do even though I don’t care to be here. Nothing matters in the end, pain follows us everywhere we go.

“Be joyful in your pain, as you endure.” The Bible isn’t mostly about love but pain. It speaks about pain and we missed the warning or call the glass half full, ignoring the fact half of it is unfilled, empty.

PS: For the first time in almost seven years someone invited me to a party at their home. I guess that’s a breakthrough right? Hmmm

IMG_4919

 

IMG_4920

On days like this


 

It’s Easter weekend and I feel what I always feel when the holidays come about. I’m missing out on life. I’m missing out on joy, the happenings. The house is emptied of the babies who more often than not stay to themselves. Their presence alleviates the weight of the missing however.

So, I go online, read others’ thoughts, enjoy the pictures of celebratory dinners, happy families and loving couples doing and doing, making and making: life.

Yes, holidays can be tough when you’re alone.

And then you realize that not everyone celebrates the same holidays or even care they exist. So on those days, you’re an infidel, betraying the spirit in you that wishes to share, celebrate, connect. On thanksgiving, you’re Canadian and head to the beach until sunset. On Christmas you’re Jewish and on Easter  you’re Muslim. It is quite useful, the ability to play with ideology and faith. Never an atheist though, too close to narcissism for one who believes there’s a power greater than the human mind and lives inside her mind, though many atheists do jump on the bandwagon for culture’s sake at times or for whatever reason despite their unbelief.

On this Sunday eve of Easter when one dies to make us one, I sit in my spot awaiting once more: providence.

PS: if ever you’ve posted on social media and people tell you not to or try to limit your thoughts, you or write who cares, remember there are folks out there who do care and do enjoy your updates. Some of us live solely vicariously through others. We exist and you my dear are appreciated so much more than the naysayers would have you believe. Keep being you, someone out there rejoices in you being you.

Shalom!IMG_4884

Unbroken


IMG_4879

Where do you turn when you have nowhere to go?

Some say to God. God is whom many turn to, seek when they have nothing. Because he is everything. When everything doesn’t run to you, you’re less than nothing. Would you still do?

The Bible says it is harder for a rich man to get in the kingdom of God. The truth is the poor has nowhere to go but to hope. Hope is for the poor, why would you need hope when you can buy your way to goods, health somewhat, joy?

Do we choose hope, because we have nothing? It’s admirable when one has everything and still chooses God. It is proof that God fills a gaping hole that none other or thing can.

It is the rich that supports the need for God. When you have what the world sees as everything and yet still seek, need him, admitting and realizing he alone completes you I’d say, he is more than exhaled. I don’t want to need God as a gifted of goods and dislike this idea of hope. Hope is the elixir of the downtrodden, the broken and the poor.

One must need God beyond food and shelter. He is more than the giver of health and hope of long life, a thereafter.

God is this puzzle maker, ingenious craftsman, discussed by all, known by none. He is above all things, alpha and omega.

God is love but strict. He is a ruler. He makes and breaks.

God is.

Is there a need of God if he never answers your prayers, if you never get out what you put in? Would you still believe if his promises are compromised?

Life: a travesty of a gift


IMG_4857

Shhh let me tell you a secret. I allowed myself to dream. I went back, way back to the beginning at the exact time I lost my old self. I went to sit beside her when everything around her was falling apart and she was becoming undone. She was growing up and did not know it.

She still is.

By God how naive I must have been! I didn’t know half the things I’ve learned! I was married, with a career, friends, settled, yet still a child. One choice to another and life unraveled all around me sweeping me along. I lost my footing, in what was true, what was real and what was possible.

I was but a child.

I’m not quite where one isn’t as naive as they used to be, having learned about life, humanity, established balance of some sort, regaining footing. Not quite. Most times it feels like I’m reacting to life more than I own my life.

Ten years ago, life was filled with possibilities, what I could do, where I wanted to reach and plans on how to get there. I didn’t realize that I couldn’t will life, mold it to my plans. I’m a strong believer in the power of gumption and the will. Where there’s a will, there is a way. I have learned to concede that there are times no amount of gumption or willpower can get you where you want to go. It’s like my fitness journey. I’m a fitness addict who spent her life seeking a certain look. The closer I got to my goal the more I knew I could will myself to anything, until I came across genetics. I have a boyish frame and will never have hips, the tiny waist to a full bottom ratio. Worst of all, my hormones work against me. The more I worked the less they wanted to shed excess. It’s a conundrum I’m navigating. Balance is the theme. I can get there, but I’ll have to play with genetics and what’s needed to balance my hormones cost money and time. Money doesn’t bring happiness but it sure promotes well being. I can’t will myself into money. That’s when I allow myself to dream, about what I want, what life would be like if I had all the money in the world. Where would I live, what would I do? Do rich people dream about being broke?

The richest and happiest people in the world are those with a roof over their head that no one can take away from them. That’s why there are more rich and happy Haitians in Haiti than Americans in this land of the “free”. Even when you’re done paying a mortgage if you can’t pay the taxes on that house, you will lose it. In Haiti, you have a house and it’s yours forever and ever to be passed down through generations, just make sure you have the papers for the land and don’t leave the property unattended. Everything else will sort itself out when you know where you’ll lay.

A decade ago I knew where I’d go, who I’d come home to, where the next step is, where we are going and how we would get there. 2017 I have no clue. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or who will come to pass through or stay. I plan and get delayed. I build to be erased. I grow to be cut off. No place for silly dreams, no sense of assurance but that “this too shall pass”. Nothing ever stays the same. Happiness flew out of my window. All I was left with was waking up and taking one step at a time, unknowing what will come of the day or the ‘morrow.

I lacked the understanding a decade ago that it matters where I lay. I whispered in her ears “it matters where you lay.”

Security is an important foundation for my state of being. Without, I just exist.

“Amazing love, how can this be…”

What a dream!

“Amazing love, how can this be…”

 

Mush-room state!


Ever wonder why you attract the people you do!
And they say the central theme is you?
As if, you would want the pain, unleashed too?
Your head’s right, your game’s tight,
many players on the field and nothing is alright,
or feel right?!

That’s the story, an endless litany!
What am I to do?
All that I have, untrue!
Mushroom trippin’, ecstasy driven,
they come around wantin’, constantly takin’,
that’s me attractin’ !??
Time wastin’, roll in the hay, and!?

Maybe it’s the voodoo, how between my legs do,
curved as rescue,
boat, line, head too?
Ever wonder why you attract the people you do?

L. 092015 1731

image