Happiness my ass!



Some folks see me as negative when I say I can’t be happy when I’m broke, or hit at peace or more so when I’m in a place I feel safe or everything is working towards me achieving and being successful? Why is that? When bombs, tornadoes and hurricanes come through is it happiness you’re feeling? Do tell!

Should we not want more out of life? When has it been bad for anyone to want more of anything that will make them feel good, successful, at peace, joyful? Isn’t that why we strive to be better in sports, in our relationships, as human beings and to seek completion in whatever we start with? So why do we fake the funk, push the idea of happiness as a state we can maintain despite lack? What is happiness exactly? Google and Webster can tell us. However, how we define happiness comes from what we aspire to, a state of being no one can define for us. What some call happiness, I refer to as acceptance, contentment. And what I refer to as happiness they believe is how they live everyday when they tell themselves they decide to be happy. Happiness like love isn’t something we decide to do. It’s a combination of wants, chemistry, summed in the unexplainable.

When I was married and my husband would be at the door, I would jump and rush to the door. I would be so happy to see him. There was this dance I used to do and a song “girls, daddy’s hoooome”. On and on I would go, so glad he came home to be with us. I would go on about my day and sit on his lap until he begged to go shower or eat. He said he noted things were off between us when I stopped doing that. Happiness is genuine. It borders on elation, a sensation no one can maintain for too long a period. It isn’t I wasn’t happy the other days, I was joyful being there in the midst of the ups and downs. Joy is a constant, it is saying “shit could be worse, I will do with I have”. To be joyful is to accept your sort and smile through it all. Happiness though is a gift, it truly is. No one can be happy all the time. Come on! It irritates me to hear how many think about happiness. Aaaaargh. Like addicts they seek it every day, a burst, a hit. That’s why they preach it at every corner when what they’re selling is a lie.

There are degrees to this thing, first is acceptance, then comes joy, favored at time with happiness and if lucky enough, a few times in our lives we will know elation, ecstasy, the ultimate of all positive sensation.

We are different beings, thus the different views, philosophy and understanding. We enjoy being unique but find it difficult accepting differences in others. Well, I seek to. I’m fascinated by differences. Yet despite that fact I must admit some of our differences can be quite irritating and upsetting when we try to shove them down other people’s throats, That’s what I appreciate about the biblical God! A God who bestowed the gift of will so he can be chosen, picked amongst all, selected. That’s why we have willpower. Hmmm the thought just occurred to me, how do proponents of evolution explain “willpower, personality, differences.” We never stop learning do we?

PS: if you’re one of those happiness is of your own doing people, please save me the lecture. My eyes can’t roll anymore. ūü§£



The progeny!



Last night sent me back to my years in school, a smart child who was only happy when all her grades were perfect and rated top in her class. My daughter made me so proud when her name was called as top scholar of her class of 535 students. I was beaming. Success! I had a taste of success as if it were my own. I jumped of joy, elated in her achievements. It is the kind of moment parents live for. Then I sat down to give my kids a bit about parenting and expectations. Yeah! I can get real and dirty like that.

I often tell them they did not come with a manual. What I believe most parents wish for their kids is success in life. Success that translates into being better than your parents were or are, We want the best for you and if we are up there on the ladder of what society calls successful we want you to surpass that rung. It’s not a tall task because we know we did it and so can you. After all a child is all that’s better in us, from us and he has is on his side, a parent always ready to promote him. We seek for you to build from our blocks, learn from our past, hear the lessons so you can harness it all then take off. Maybe it’s my version of parenting. Some parents may not feel this way but I haven’t met many.

When a child doesn’t surpass us we fall into acceptance, the speech of happiness. Happiness is what matters we say. Happiness doesn’t bring elation to parents, it’s a cushion for disappointment. Parents feel disappointed when their expectations aren’t met. Those expectations: all that is good, all we value as good that proves you’re the higher, better version of what we wanted for ourselves, what we dreamt about and more.

When that doesn’t come to fruition, we ask you: “are you happy?” And if you say you’re happy, most of us may leave it at that and accept it’s your life, you are not a better part of us. You are you. There’s a lingering sadness to this, a sense of failure and disappointment you probably don’t care to learn about, won’t comprehend or accept and probably may be angered by. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We are burying a part of us we believe is in you. We are suffering loss; loss of self, unfilled expectations and are bound to be sad. We know being you, starting off on your own and not building from what we are glad to offer you will bring you sadness and suffering. Starting from scratch always does. It may make you proud and feel like a string individual, but it will be difficult. No decent parent ever wants to see their child suffer even from the life they chose for themselves, they admit makes them happy.

Wisdom: Life has no meaning



Where to go from here!

I don’t know what to do. No amount of tears can help me know which option would be best. Neither have prayers worked. No one comes around explaining visions, drawing plans, explaining things. This is one aspect of aloneness, of growing up we hard,y talk about. Every choice has a consequence but each stems from circumstance and will. Some sum this as fortitude of mishaps. The outcome tells the tales.

Where do we go from here? What do I do next? Am I capable? It doesn’t matter whether I want to or not. A decision must be made and I have the honor of making the best decision that will yield security and growth. That’s what I did with every step I made. I made a choice, opted for a way that I believed would yield to better, greater things. I based them on well thought out possible outcomes and prayers. Not one step was taken without asking for guidance. And when they lead to pain and more pain I go to him, to God who promised he will steer the boat if I made him captain. This is not to excuse weaknesses along the way. I seek answers from wisdom. I read and prayed some more. As I come to the belief and acceptance that life is meaningless, all of this is just plain meaningless, I come across the sayings of one of the wisest biblical kings:

Ecclesiastes 1New International Version (NIV)
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:
‚ÄúMeaningless! Meaningless!‚ÄĚ‚Ä®¬†¬†¬†¬†says the Teacher.‚Ä®‚ÄúUtterly meaningless!‚Ä®¬†¬†¬†¬†Everything is meaningless.‚ÄĚ
What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.
All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.
King Solomon

You wake up work, sleep and go on repeat. You gill your days with items of forgetting, trying to lighten up your days. You cry, you dance and then you die. No matter how rich or poor you will experience pain, uncertainty, loss and no one knows where they’re going, except they know one thing for sure, that they are here and must define for themselves how to give being meaning. But in the end, no matter what anyone does, life truly has no meaning. It’s happenstance in a dance for some and it’s purpose for another. Nonetheless, no matter how you fill your days you work towards one sole purpose, however some refer to it whether it is happiness, joy, contentment, but truly meaning. We all seek to matter, make breath count, seize the day, create memories. It doesn’t matter though. Life doesn’t give a damn about you and neither do folks around you unless it serves to give theirs meaning.


Where do I go from here when meaning is lacking, when every decision to promote such a thing takes me further from the goal? I don’t know. I really don’t know where. I have learned however that whatever choice I make I’ll have to learn to handle the consequences. I err my way to the end, carry my cross as joyfully as one is taught to do even though I don’t care to be here. Nothing matters in the end, pain follows us everywhere we go.

“Be joyful in your pain, as you endure.” The Bible isn’t mostly about love but pain. It speaks about pain and we missed the warning or call the glass half full, ignoring the fact half of it is unfilled, empty.

PS: For the first time in almost seven years someone invited me to a party at their home. I guess that’s a breakthrough right? Hmmm




If I could have you back


I sit in the same spot where night turns into day and day into night as they slip under my windowsill. Awaiting God, time, the universe, all one and the same. I wait for what I’m not capable of doing on my own, dreading a handout here and there, the land of pity.

It’s neither a save haven nor a burial place as there too the voices are still loud and clear. There are expectations, responsibilities that don’t disappear just because God follows a different timeline. I seep into unknowing. I can’t get lost there but maybe I’d find more of me. Bit by bit, piece by piece I try to reclaim a self that’s yielding to uncertainty.

What I could do if I could! How I build and uphold! If nothing else, this message echoes all about: powerlessness is its own suffering. When you’ve run out of viable options that gave you a sense of control, over you, your circumstances, your destiny, who are you then? There’s no one to blame, anger solves not a thing and regret is a lack of accountability of your choices in response to unexpected, painful circumstances. Never that when integrity is the least and last compass you’re trying to hold on to.

Who are you when you can’t control your future? Dependent. You’re nothing but a dependent of serendipity, God, karma, the universe, energy, whatever it is you accept that makes the wheel go ’round and ’round.

For someone who lives by well crafted goals, plans, losing control is a tragedy. There’s something about faith best not forgotten. You don’t belong to you but the one who’s in control. Whatever the consequence and outcome, no matter how excruciating they may be or joyful they sometimes can be, you really can’t take the credit. Your will is adaptable to happenstance. Outside of consequence, circumstance, the will is worth nary a thing.



Not as they seem, nor as it could!



Read about gratefulness and thought about all the tidbits I thank God for, often, what I take pleasure in. It’s just I rarely write about them or blog about them. They feel like dessert we often don’t like to share or sensation we get from a kiss, a hug, kindness or lovemaking. They do something to you no word can express. They exist within an intimate space, a personal level beyond a list of things you don’t ever wish to take for granted.

Oprah once said to have a diary solely dedicated to what you’re thankful for and write daily anything you can think of that occurred throughout the day. They would make your life filled full, would give you purpose and serve as reminders that life is or can be good. It will add balance. After all life isn’t a bed of pricks, there are soft feathers along the way to rest upon.

We all take the usual for granted like the clean air we breathe in the US, clean water, food aplenty, a bed, some have jobs and money in the bank too. Those are such the norm here we take them as a given, until something happens to remind us they are all gifts really. By chance, or luck, through work not guaranteed we have so much comfort here.

What has life gifted us all with? Air, breath, our bodies no matter the love hate relationship one may feel towards it and not much else. We all start out with those basics. Perspective defines the rest. Focused attention add meaning to everything else, our encounters and wherever our senses tend to when we do attend to the perplexities of the yielding.

I’m grateful for many things, one isn’t pain or the steps leading to pain. I have not evolved into the realm of appreciating pain. If it hurts, I don’t like it and there’s no amount of lessons or good I perceive out of it that could possibly erase the hurt and the pain.

That’s what happens when you’re more about thought and logic, sensations, feelings swirl aromas on everything around you. How do you appreciate what stings and smells? How?

I can’t say I’m grateful for my journey. I will say it’s a journey. It’s the one I’ve been given. And these past few years have been marked with lots of pain, losses, tears, a whole lot that I’d never want to live again. Shit happens and as it stands it’s been quite shitty, I can also admit I am thankful for many aspects of my life. All of them I see as gifts. They give me joy. They soothe my heart and energize me.

I’m an oddball for saying this but the most important gift I am grateful for besides health is consistency. I’m thankful for consistency, being able to wake up in a home I love, within a city I enjoy, walking in my community, knowing wherever I go this is where I will spend my nights, I am so thankful for. My babies, their smiles, their stories, how they are learning about life, building friendships.

Gratefulness doesn’t change what we are going through or the reality we are facing. Gratefulness enhances the good in our life, what works, what is working, I wish I could say being grateful will pay your mortgage or heal your cancer. It doesn’t. It doesn’t even make life worth living, it adds balance. And we all need that.

Today I’m grateful for connecting with Jennie at the Mac counter, Tanya at the Wow health spa, Renata the facialist and Fritz at the Badgley Mischka store. These interactions gave me life. Thank you for being you!