Because of you!


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Another sunset
A new beginning
Sweet notes are few
As I traipse along this road
A byline to a dream
Sifting through the margins
Of stories long-suspended
I’m full of fears
Emptied of tears
Hope has lost her place
Smiles, forever a surprise
I’ve lost and found, in whereabouts and going-on(s)
I’d care not to repeat
A hungered child, a fragile human, a broken soul
With each exhale one thought remains:
“You’re the reason.”
Another sunset
A new beginning
I hold on!

 

 

Wisdom: Life has no meaning


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Where to go from here!

I don’t know what to do. No amount of tears can help me know which option would be best. Neither have prayers worked. No one comes around explaining visions, drawing plans, explaining things. This is one aspect of aloneness, of growing up we hard,y talk about. Every choice has a consequence but each stems from circumstance and will. Some sum this as fortitude of mishaps. The outcome tells the tales.

Where do we go from here? What do I do next? Am I capable? It doesn’t matter whether I want to or not. A decision must be made and I have the honor of making the best decision that will yield security and growth. That’s what I did with every step I made. I made a choice, opted for a way that I believed would yield to better, greater things. I based them on well thought out possible outcomes and prayers. Not one step was taken without asking for guidance. And when they lead to pain and more pain I go to him, to God who promised he will steer the boat if I made him captain. This is not to excuse weaknesses along the way. I seek answers from wisdom. I read and prayed some more. As I come to the belief and acceptance that life is meaningless, all of this is just plain meaningless, I come across the sayings of one of the wisest biblical kings:

Ecclesiastes 1New International Version (NIV)
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”
3
What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?
4
Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.
5
The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.
6
The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.
7
All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.
8
All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9
What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.
1
King Solomon

You wake up work, sleep and go on repeat. You gill your days with items of forgetting, trying to lighten up your days. You cry, you dance and then you die. No matter how rich or poor you will experience pain, uncertainty, loss and no one knows where they’re going, except they know one thing for sure, that they are here and must define for themselves how to give being meaning. But in the end, no matter what anyone does, life truly has no meaning. It’s happenstance in a dance for some and it’s purpose for another. Nonetheless, no matter how you fill your days you work towards one sole purpose, however some refer to it whether it is happiness, joy, contentment, but truly meaning. We all seek to matter, make breath count, seize the day, create memories. It doesn’t matter though. Life doesn’t give a damn about you and neither do folks around you unless it serves to give theirs meaning.

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Where do I go from here when meaning is lacking, when every decision to promote such a thing takes me further from the goal? I don’t know. I really don’t know where. I have learned however that whatever choice I make I’ll have to learn to handle the consequences. I err my way to the end, carry my cross as joyfully as one is taught to do even though I don’t care to be here. Nothing matters in the end, pain follows us everywhere we go.

“Be joyful in your pain, as you endure.” The Bible isn’t mostly about love but pain. It speaks about pain and we missed the warning or call the glass half full, ignoring the fact half of it is unfilled, empty.

PS: For the first time in almost seven years someone invited me to a party at their home. I guess that’s a breakthrough right? Hmmm

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If I could have you back


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I sit in the same spot where night turns into day and day into night as they slip under my windowsill. Awaiting God, time, the universe, all one and the same. I wait for what I’m not capable of doing on my own, dreading a handout here and there, the land of pity.

It’s neither a save haven nor a burial place as there too the voices are still loud and clear. There are expectations, responsibilities that don’t disappear just because God follows a different timeline. I seep into unknowing. I can’t get lost there but maybe I’d find more of me. Bit by bit, piece by piece I try to reclaim a self that’s yielding to uncertainty.

What I could do if I could! How I build and uphold! If nothing else, this message echoes all about: powerlessness is its own suffering. When you’ve run out of viable options that gave you a sense of control, over you, your circumstances, your destiny, who are you then? There’s no one to blame, anger solves not a thing and regret is a lack of accountability of your choices in response to unexpected, painful circumstances. Never that when integrity is the least and last compass you’re trying to hold on to.

Who are you when you can’t control your future? Dependent. You’re nothing but a dependent of serendipity, God, karma, the universe, energy, whatever it is you accept that makes the wheel go ’round and ’round.

For someone who lives by well crafted goals, plans, losing control is a tragedy. There’s something about faith best not forgotten. You don’t belong to you but the one who’s in control. Whatever the consequence and outcome, no matter how excruciating they may be or joyful they sometimes can be, you really can’t take the credit. Your will is adaptable to happenstance. Outside of consequence, circumstance, the will is worth nary a thing.

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Unbroken


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Where do you turn when you have nowhere to go?

Some say to God. God is whom many turn to, seek when they have nothing. Because he is everything. When everything doesn’t run to you, you’re less than nothing. Would you still do?

The Bible says it is harder for a rich man to get in the kingdom of God. The truth is the poor has nowhere to go but to hope. Hope is for the poor, why would you need hope when you can buy your way to goods, health somewhat, joy?

Do we choose hope, because we have nothing? It’s admirable when one has everything and still chooses God. It is proof that God fills a gaping hole that none other or thing can.

It is the rich that supports the need for God. When you have what the world sees as everything and yet still seek, need him, admitting and realizing he alone completes you I’d say, he is more than exhaled. I don’t want to need God as a gifted of goods and dislike this idea of hope. Hope is the elixir of the downtrodden, the broken and the poor.

One must need God beyond food and shelter. He is more than the giver of health and hope of long life, a thereafter.

God is this puzzle maker, ingenious craftsman, discussed by all, known by none. He is above all things, alpha and omega.

God is love but strict. He is a ruler. He makes and breaks.

God is.

Is there a need of God if he never answers your prayers, if you never get out what you put in? Would you still believe if his promises are compromised?

Summertime and serendipity


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I was about 19 years old or so when I first met her. As usual I was lost in my book right there on a park bench, lost in another world. This frail, tiny bit of a being sat besides me with her beautiful white hair. I have always enjoyed a full head of white hair, vibrant, electric, mesmerizing!

She pulled out her brown lunch bag to eat a nicely wrapped sandwich. She was in the mood to chat, be friendly. Yes, I have a thing for seniors and babies as well. They can teach us so much about life, one how to re-discover what we have long forgotten about and another how to appreciate what we do have.

She asked about my age, my family without reservations and I did the same. I still have not forgotten her answer. She told me she was an only child, who came to the US after the war, an Auschwitz survivor. She showed me her numbers as if she was showing me a painting in a museum. I asked why she was eating alone and outside instead of home. She replied: “I never got married. I have no children and my family all died in the war. I am alone.”

At the time, I felt so sorry for her yet in awe of her. What is it like to go through life alone, responsible only for yourself with no one to turn to or depend on! We parted ways, and had many lunch breaks together during that summer. Such a brave soul she was! I wish I had asked her how she endured uncertainty, loneliness, aloneness, the secret to keeping her sanity.

I could not have imagined what she went through nor could ever taught meeting her would be the reminder I rely on every time I have to make decisions alone, where to go, what to do, how to proceed. It gets harder when you do have dependents. Your decisions affect them too. It is not solely about you.

My ex used to say I love to walk away, cut my losses and move on. I am great at cutting people off, moving from east to west, saying goodbye, letting go and never looking back. It is my answer to almost everything. If it is not working, leave. If it can’t be fixed or improved, let go. If you bug me or bring drama to my space, cut you off. If your presence brings me pain more than joy, walk away. I am good at letting go.

And maybe it is why it so difficult and the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life, holding on, making things work for us. I could pack my house in less than four hours and move to the next State. After all, I have no job, living off savings that are not being replenished. The day looms as the coffers empty out and something must be done. I am scared shitless. I have the answer, the usual answer. Cut my losses and go. Move. It is an answer that works. It fixes many things and will provide movement, growth, security, money what we do need to keep everything as it should.

I have been holding on to what hasn’t worked for about seven years, grinning and bearing, filled with uncertainty, crying every night because I know I am not appreciated where I am. I stayed though. I have been hanging on for dear life because they are happy. They are blossoming. They love it here, their friends, our church, their routine. And I love them. What more can I do to show them I love them!

So for me, holding on is worse than letting go. Much worse when in the end all it does is break you. ME! I will break for them. I will do what is does not come naturally, what must be done. I live for them. I breathe for their smiles, their joy.

That little lady looked content with her sort in life. She was free, not tied to anything or anyone. Are we brave for trying or brave because we held on when we had no reason to do so? I don’t know.

One thing is for sure when young minds depend on you, it is harder doing it alone. It would be so much better if you had someone you could turn to for answers, support, perspective. It gets scary too. Are you doing right by them, you wonder!

She would come to that park every day to be one with nature, to hear others’ stories, to connect. I wonder what became of her, who found her in her apartment on the day she lost her way, or maybe God was kind to let her go on a bench in the parks she won’t rot for days indoors; what became of her home, her belongings!

One connection. A lifetime of questions. Life sure is something isn’t it?