Where to go from here!
I don’t know what to do. No amount of tears can help me know which option would be best. Neither have prayers worked. No one comes around explaining visions, drawing plans, explaining things. This is one aspect of aloneness, of growing up we hard,y talk about. Every choice has a consequence but each stems from circumstance and will. Some sum this as fortitude of mishaps. The outcome tells the tales.
Where do we go from here? What do I do next? Am I capable? It doesn’t matter whether I want to or not. A decision must be made and I have the honor of making the best decision that will yield security and growth. That’s what I did with every step I made. I made a choice, opted for a way that I believed would yield to better, greater things. I based them on well thought out possible outcomes and prayers. Not one step was taken without asking for guidance. And when they lead to pain and more pain I go to him, to God who promised he will steer the boat if I made him captain. This is not to excuse weaknesses along the way. I seek answers from wisdom. I read and prayed some more. As I come to the belief and acceptance that life is meaningless, all of this is just plain meaningless, I come across the sayings of one of the wisest biblical kings:
Ecclesiastes 1New International Version (NIV)
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:
“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”
What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun?
Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
You wake up work, sleep and go on repeat. You gill your days with items of forgetting, trying to lighten up your days. You cry, you dance and then you die. No matter how rich or poor you will experience pain, uncertainty, loss and no one knows where they’re going, except they know one thing for sure, that they are here and must define for themselves how to give being meaning. But in the end, no matter what anyone does, life truly has no meaning. It’s happenstance in a dance for some and it’s purpose for another. Nonetheless, no matter how you fill your days you work towards one sole purpose, however some refer to it whether it is happiness, joy, contentment, but truly meaning. We all seek to matter, make breath count, seize the day, create memories. It doesn’t matter though. Life doesn’t give a damn about you and neither do folks around you unless it serves to give theirs meaning.
Where do I go from here when meaning is lacking, when every decision to promote such a thing takes me further from the goal? I don’t know. I really don’t know where. I have learned however that whatever choice I make I’ll have to learn to handle the consequences. I err my way to the end, carry my cross as joyfully as one is taught to do even though I don’t care to be here. Nothing matters in the end, pain follows us everywhere we go.
“Be joyful in your pain, as you endure.” The Bible isn’t mostly about love but pain. It speaks about pain and we missed the warning or call the glass half full, ignoring the fact half of it is unfilled, empty.
PS: For the first time in almost seven years someone invited me to a party at their home. I guess that’s a breakthrough right? Hmmm