Lessons and correlations


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I don’t like to ask anyone for help. I’d rather starve, suffer or die than ask anyone for help. At times, I had to and it killed me more having to ask. Being helpless, feeling helpless and needy aren’t comfortable for me.

Some call it ego, a weakness, the inability to give in and depend on others. As usual I gave it thought and for every perceived weakness I wish to abate. I read the books, listened to all the advise and conceded that I should learn to ask for help. We all need people sometimes, don’t we? Even though I would only accept help if blind, deaf or so sick that I had to to survive. There’s something humbling about raising kids alone. Because if them I had to seek help from people. I’d be quite particular as well, often asking from those who purport they care. As in my world, caring is giving, being there, standing by me, filling in, protecting and providing. I didn’t like it not one bit even from those who said they care. There’s something about needing others, “c’est un fardeau, un joug au dos”. I find I must in turn repay the deed, make good someday. After all, love is reciprocity which in itself is a debt, an “I owe you” even though we try to convince ourselves it’s not. We must return in kind. C’est la loi de la bienfaisance.

Storm prep day, I’m busy securing the premises. I have an impact proof garage door that must be disengaged first before activating the secured system for 100+mph winds. I don’t have the manual. Browsing google and YouTube did not yield much info but I must protect my hearts, my babies. Do you know how heavy an impact double garage doors are!!! I sweated it out fir an hour, finally disengaging to manual. Planner that I am I needed to verify I could renegade the monitor for after the storms. I spent another hour to no avail. It was sticky. I was dirty, sweaty, tired. The office was closed for storm prep. I couldn’t reach anyone. Finally I gave up, spending hours thinking how much it would cost me to bring someone in to fix something that I disengaged. I was upset at myself and depressed.
I get on FB and here’s this angel posting how she and her husband were open to helping anyone in need, and not to worry to reach out to them.

That was my chance! I will not be weak and not ask for help like in the past. So, I respond that I was needing help with my door, not before the storm but afterwards and hoping they will remember and put me on their waiting list. I waited for a response, proud that I was not being prideful, seeking help, showing vulnerability. She replies: “Oh! That sounds complicated!!”

I died.

Imagine someone who never asks for help reading such a response!!! I went to bed and in my sleep I was thinking about the garage door, I wake up bright and early in the storm, stood on my small ladder, lifted that heavy door and latched to every hook I could see until I heard a click. I knew I fixed it. I pushed the motor and it worked!!!

Lessons:
Don’t ask for help unless your child’s life depends on it.
Never expect people to keep their word.
People meet you at their level, hardly where you’re at.
Someone may have a good heart, a willingness to help, but their capacity may be lacking.
Be specific about what you can help people with.
Try to help even if it is by finding someone who can do what you can’t.
Don’t answer in a way that would hurt their feelings, for you never know how much it took for them to ask you.
I can do many things if I do not give up. Persevere.

May Irma make us stronger! Shalom!

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7 Billion, 1 is all you need!


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One thing I do know is that friends come and they go, family is a wind blown. Everything else is within. It will get dark and cold. Days will be sad and lonely. You will feel weak and alone, but you must give yourself what you need.

People have words alone but you have all you need. Whenever you begin to think you are not enough, remember you have made it this far alone. You must learn where to find strength in you, love in you, otherwise you will get the pull. Find an exit!

Life is nothing without you.

Right now is always the perfect time for you find in you to be, to touch; one breath at a time honey. Time is spent with or without, it is in the how you exist. No one asked to be here, everyone staggers into some coherent existence so they convict themselves.

As we say goodbye to friends, family, the elders, bide time ‘till its end. Don’t second guess the past or be so focused on the future, you forget this moment is all you’re given.

Remember when you told me not to get comfortable being alone? I listened and tried but the connections are few. Many seek contact but I am into connection as you learned. I am not made for surface interactions. I must feel the real, sense the true. That is why I am uneasy around too many. All the “how are you? What’s up?” that lead nowhere but conversations none will remember. You did not tell me aloneness will get hard sometimes and that I will crave connectedness more than air and I would need to dig in and live within. Maybe you couldn’t because you too forgot how it used to be. We will make do, won’t we? Tell me it gets better somehow!

Each time I get the call from the other side of lonely I recall, I remember, promising not to forget.

Children grow and let go. Friends come and go, family is a wind blown, all I will ever need is within.